


Someone I'm Not

by imhellaqueer



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff and Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Pain, Polis, Post-Season/Series 02, The 100 (TV) - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-03-31 03:18:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 59,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3962437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imhellaqueer/pseuds/imhellaqueer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taken after The Season 2 finale, in which Clarke is wondering aimlessly in the woods on her own. She has to deal with what she's done since she took the decision to obliterate the mountain men. Lexa also features in this fanfic, and slowly helps Clarke come to terms with that she has done. (Clarke x Lexa)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I already have 20 chapters of this fic posted on ff.net but I wanted to post it here too! As usual, plot thickens towards the end don't worry.

Nothing.

After three days of wondering through the vast woods inhabited by the brutal grounders, she found nothing. She _felt_ nothing.

She wasn’t looking for anything, or anyone for that matter and yet she found herself feeling emptier than usual. Every day she tried to convince herself that she did what she had to do to save her people, to save her friends, to save her mum. Yet every time she said it she felt deep regret and the dead clump of bodies embodied her mind. She was responsible for the death of all those people. _She_ was.

Before her arrival on earth she only ever lost one person in her life: her father. Now she knew more about death then she ever had wished too. She witnessed death right in the face and it changed her. It changed all of them.

 _Finn_.

Unwillingly his name popped into her head. She closed her eyes forcefully trying to block out the memory of his blood stained face, she couldn’t deal with him too.

Yet she had to, every night he inhabited what little sleep she could obtain. The pain did do nothing to absolve her of her weakness. She tried to see his death as something she could grieve later on, but she did not deserve grief. She was guilty. She killed him.

She killed the one person she loved, and that would forever haunt her. She could do nothing about the impending doom that would rattle her mind, she could do nothing about the haunting thoughts that taunted her every waking hour. She had no control over anything in her life anymore, not even her thoughts.

She couldn’t be emotionless. She couldn’t see love as weakness. She tried to, and yet her empathy and compassion has taken up all of the peace in her mind. She couldn’t be like Lexa.

She winced at even the thought of her name.

_Lexa._

Anger bubbled up inside her veins every time her name was mentioned. Lexa, in Clarke’s mind was the source of everything that had gone wrong that night. She was the betrayer in Clarke’s story. The traitor.

What else could she expect from the ruthless commander? Every time she searched for any sign of feeling in that woman’s face all she got back was the eerie cold glance that shook Clarke’s very sense of being. How could she expect anything less from someone so detached?

She knew why. She knew exactly why.

She had felt it growing from the start, even though she knew that Lexa was ruthless and unfeeling, Clarke unconsciously worked to unravel that hard core. She knew what she was feeling and no matter how much she wanted to stop it, she couldn’t.

The night before they went to attack the mountain men, she and Lexa shared something special, something innocent.

A kiss that was so soft and full of feeling that it beat all Lexa’s attempts to be the emotionless person she had appeared to be. Clarke pulled away knowing that anything more than that would break her. It was too quick, too soon after the death of someone she loved dearly.

Clarke felt like she had broken through Lexa’s hard demeanour and began to trust her, she felt like she had finally unlocked the frigid persona Lexa adopted. For that reason, her betrayal brought out more hurt than anger.

_I do care, Clarke._

Maybe it would have been easier for Clarke to hate her if she hadn’t said those four words. Maybe it wouldn’t have made her feel so helpless. Maybe she wouldn’t have killed all those people. All those _children._

A flash of images of all the blotches of lifeless bodies contaminated her thoughts once again, leaving her to feel guilty once more, just like a viscous cycle.

Through the murder of those people, Clarke got to save her own. She wished she could feel happy about it, she really did, but nothing about killing innocent people to save her own made her feel better. She wasn’t ruthless. She couldn’t be.

She had to bare the pain so that her people wouldn’t have to. So that Jasper could hate Clarke and not himself for the death of Maya, so that Bellamy could keep his sister secure without having to worry about the guilt he would have to deal with, so that everyone could be _safe._

She was alone. She walked away from everyone: her people, her friends, and her mother- anyone who ever loved her and cared for her were now miles away in a direction that Clarke knew she wouldn’t be able to return to sooner.

She did what she had to do and left. She put herself first because she knew she had to, and now walking aimlessly into a forest full of danger makes her feel absolutely _nothing_.

As if every emotion was sucked out of her, leaving her as a soulless person, just wandering the earth with no ambition. That’s all she was. She had seen and done too much to return to the person she was before all this happened. She was someone different now, someone she didn’t want to be.

She found a dry patch of land close to a tree and decided to settle there for the night, with the little bit of strength she had left she hauled her bag onto the floor, rummaging for any ration she could find inside it.

If she wanted to survive this forest alone, she would need to start hunting.

Did she even want to survive? Whilst trying to isolate the torturous thoughts stuck in her mind, she laid her head down on the cold dry land and shuddered at the hard surface. Knowing that her sleep would be very short lived she didn’t bother to find any suitable cover. She couldn’t care less.

She let the wafting exhaustion finally take over her and shut her eyes.

_**May we meet again.** _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's still in the forest but she's running low on food and water. She's obviously still very much riddled with guilt and will be for a while now.

The loud bang that came from a distance awoke her at once, leading Clarke to jump to her feet and quickly grab her bag onto her back.

She wasn’t sure what but something kept her from staying there, letting whatever was out there to discover her, but her survival instinct kicked in and she ran away anyway.

She forgot what it felt like to be so afraid of this place, she had been on earth for what, 6 months? More? She got used to the constant unrest but for the past three days there seemed to be nothing dangerous happening and she got too comfortable.

No one could tell what would happen here, no one really had any idea what dangers the earth held. Back on the ark many stories were told, but the stories were different to what she was standing in the middle of right there. This place held every single bad memory she tried to escape from.

After running for around ten minutes, Clarke slowed down and sat down next to a tree whilst she panted heavily gasping for air. She barely had any weapons on her, nothing that could keep her safe. She left the Camp without looking back, she said goodbye to Bellamy and left. Nothing could keep her there. She had no one.

She wondered how everyone was dealing with her absence, her mother was probably livid at the fact that Clarke had once again left without warning. Jasper, most probably hated her guts right now, she did after all make the decision to eradiate all the people on Level 5 which included his girlfriend Maya.

Everything Clarke touched ended up being hurt. People died when they shouldn’t have, people sacrificed their lives for nothing. People _suffered_. She couldn’t look at anyone in the face without thinking about all the harm she had done.

_Who we are and who we need to be to survive are two very different things._

Maybe Bellamy was right, but to Clarke that didn’t make a difference. None of it was right, why was there a need to fight? Why did everyone have to survive? Why couldn’t everyone live in peace, _without_ trying to kill each other off?

Is it human nature to try ruin each other? That’s all everyone’s done here, first with the grounders, then with the reapers and then with the mountain men. Who the hell knows if it will ever stop? All there was left next was some new threat.

With Finn dead she felt like the one person who would snap her out of whatever she was doing wrong never existed. He was gone because of her, and no matter how many times she thought about trying to kill Lexa instead it never helped because she couldn’t hate either of them.

All she could really hate was herself.

Either way it was her fault, she knew it, her mother knew it and Octavia knew it. She should never have formed that alliance with the grounders and yet she did anyway. In the end she got betrayed by someone she thought cared about her and was forced to kill innocent people.

Maybe saying all of them were innocent would be untrue, there were cruel people in that building who knew exactly what was going on below them and yet did nothing to stop it, but there were _children_ , some people even tried to help them. This was their thank you; allowing them to die in the air they couldn’t fight off.

She didn’t know how long she could keep on going on with the on-going questions. The questions which would never be answered, which _could_ never be answered.

Clarke’s restless thoughts were put to a halt when she heard a shuffling in the bush opposite her. Immediately she tensed up and pulled out the gun that was buried in her side. Very carefully she circled around the tree trying to see what was behind that bush.

She felt her the blood drain from her face as she realised that no one would come to her rescue. No one knew where she was. She saw the gun in her hand shake and tried to stop the persistent tremor that refused to leave her hand.

Hesitantly, she dashed towards the bushes but saw nothing. She looked around, everywhere she possibly could and came to the conclusion that she was only being paranoid.

Clarke threw her gun down on the floor in frustration and sat down next to the tree once again sipping some of the remaining water left in her bottle.

A part of her ached to run back to the camp, where she could find safety, and yet the other part of her felt as if it would fall apart if she were to return so soon. It wasn’t her trying to prove a point, this was her way of dealing with what she had done, so that others didn’t have to.

She felt horrible for leaving everyone behind but she knew that they could survive without her, in reality all she had done was recklessly lead them to a war that they could easily have lost if Clarke didn’t kill all those people.

Ideally none of the children and innocent people over there would have been hurt, but once Lexa made a pact with the mountain men to let their grounders free their plan had been compromised. Clarke had to do what she needed for her people to survive. It was what Cage was doing too; finding a way for his people to survive by killing us. She was only doing what she had to, and yet every part of it felt terribly wrong.

Clarke’s views on life violently changed after her arrival on earth, everything that she believed in was false when met with the dire state of cruel choices she had to make. Killing the grounders, letting people die knowing that the mountain men were sending a missile to Tondc, killing Finn, eradiating a whole level full of people.

It was endless. It wasn’t the way Clarke ever wanted it to be and yet she could do nothing to stop what she knew she had to do. She played the scene out in her mind repeatedly wondering if she could have done anything differently, but the facts remained the same: Her people would have died if she had not taken that decision. It did nothing to make her feel better.

Her thoughts were once again cut short when a flurry of voices were heard behind her, Clarke looked back quickly and saw five men walking towards her direction, she couldn’t pick up what they were saying but by the looks on their faces they meant business.

_Shit._

Clarke grabbed her bag and without any lingering thoughts she sprinted in the opposite direction attempting to hide out from the men, but they already had seen her, shouting words of alarm.

She had no time to think and grabbed her gun, jumping into their field of vision, knowing that the only way she would get out of this alive was if she killed them.

“Don’t come any closer.” Clarke’s voice croaked and broke at the last word. She was no longer brave or headstrong, she was broken and her voice only mirrored what she really had become now.

The men laughed in unison, taking no notice of her warning and walked closer. Clarke tried to stop the shaking in her hand from increasing but her vulnerability was too visible; she was see through. She dropped her gun and attempted to run away.

Clarke didn’t get too far once an arrow hit the back of her shoulder, she felt the jolt of pain travel to the rest of her body and collapsed onto the cold hard ground. She cried out in pain, knowing very well that this time, she wouldn’t be saved.

This time she would die for everything wrong she had done in the last few months. It finally caught up with her and she could do nothing to stop it.

One of them grabbed her by the feet and dragged her towards him, once all of them surrounded her she could no longer wear the brave mask she had trained so well to put on. She was done for and she wasn’t sure that she even cared anymore.

_“Frag op.”_

The cold words sent a chill down her spine, these men were _Grounders_. What were they doing alone? Where they tracking her?

One of the grounders pulled out a dagger and smirked.

Clarke closed her eyes and prayed for it to be over, she wanted it to be, she _needed_ it to be.

 _“HOD OP!_ ” All of a sudden a firm voice echoed around her, urging them to obey their command. The man in alarm dropped the dagger and looked back. The world started to spin uncontrollably and when she looked towards the side she saw that she was drowning in her own pool of blood. Before she could decipher whose voice shouted out the command, she was taken over by the overwhelming dizziness.

_And yet that voice sounded so familiar._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke wakes up and she's not exactly happy to be where she is.

The throbbing pain in her shoulder instantly woke her up. Her eyes, fluttering open took in a whole new scene, one in which however she had been in before.

She attempted to rub her eyes however a sharp pain in her shoulder served as a reminder of the arrow that was stuck in her back. She grunted and tried to get up from the massive bed she had been laying in, however getting up only made her feel dizzy.

With her good hand she attempted to feel the arrow but found nothing there. All she could feel was a scab. It was _healing._

She was too disorientated to realize where she was, her surroundings were familiar and yet she couldn’t remember why. As much as she wanted to get up she couldn’t, so naturally panic started to build up in her mind.

_Where the hell am I?_

She searched for her gun and yet found nothing there. She was completely unarmed in a place she couldn’t recognize and injured, she was definitely not safe.

It was daylight, which meant that any means of escape would be impossible. Her head was too fuzzy to even think clearly, to even believe any of this was real.

Then it hit her. Then she remembered.

The grounders took her, they were going to kill her and then they stopped. _Why?_   Why did they stop? Someone told them to. _Who?_

The questions were everywhere but the answers were far from close. The more she wondered the less she knew, and the more she panicked. All she had to do was remember, she needed to remember why she felt like she knew this place so well.

She heard someone walking towards her and shut her eyes quickly, hoping they would believe she was asleep. The voices sounded muffled and she couldn’t understand what they were saying.

“Gon yo we!” A familiar voice affirmed. It was the same voice that stopped the grounders from killing her.

A scuffle of footsteps and the room was once again silent. Only it wasn’t empty. There was someone in there. Someone she knew.

Clarke opened her eyes to find the commander staring right back at her.

Clarke felt a pang in her stomach as she saw her face and without any hesitation whatsoever got up from the bed. She winced as the pain travelled down her arm.

Nothing about seeing that familiar face made Clarke happy, nothing about seeing someone after days of isolation made her want to jump in joy. She wanted to be anywhere but here.

The commander’s eyes sprung in surprise at Clarke’s sudden wake.

She didn’t dare to look at her, there was _nothing_ she wanted to hear from her. From _Lexa_. In her mind Lexa deserved nothing but the guilt and pain of betraying the sky people, of betraying Clarke. Nothing about Lexa’s resurfacing made her curious. All it was add fuel to the fire. She was livid.

Clarke tried to stand up but her body seemed to only be able to handle her sitting position. It was failing her. The tight pain in her chest was only seconds away from exploding. She couldn’t handle anyone being around her, let alone the person who made her kill all those people. Not her.

“You need to stay down, Clarke.” Lexa’s voice resonated in Clarke’s ears.

Clarke ignored her. Refusing to listen to the woman who betrayed her, who betrayed her people. She refused to pay any attention to anything she said.

“You were attacked by one of my people, I-” Lexa tried to explain herself but Clarke cut her off immediately, knowing that if Lexa said anything more than that she wouldn’t be able to keep her fury intact.

“I _know_ what you did.” Clarke replied harshly. “Give me my gun back.”

“I can’t do that.” She said.

Clarke looked straight at Lexa, and tried to hate her. She tried to hate her for everything she had done, for the intention of letting her people die, for being the cold hearted bitch she proved herself to be. “I _don’t_ care. I want my gun.”

Lexa got up and shook her head, “You’re too weak. You’ve been sleeping for the last two days, you lost a lot of blood, our healer helped but you still have a lot of rest to catch up on. Stay _down_ , Clarke.”

“Am I supposed to thank you for ‘healing’ me?” She spat back.

“No.” She said firmly. “Clarke-”

“Don’t you _dare_.” She said quietly, “Give me my gun back.”

She shook her head once again and began to walk away, Clarke however stood up despite the world spinning uncontrollably, “You don’t get to walk away again, Lexa. You don’t get to walk out on everyone. _Not again_.”

She fell back on the bed and felt the blood rush to her head. She wasn’t just angry, she was focusing so hard on hating Lexa and the fact that it wasn’t working was frustrating for her. She wanted to hate every bone in her body, but she couldn’t.

“Once you’re calm we’ll revisit the topic.” Lexa replied with little sentiment in her tone.

“No. You’re going to talk to me now. You don’t get to run away like a little kid. Face what you’ve done.” The words slipped from Clarke’s mouth so easily that it felt very hard to just stop there. She had so much more to say.

Lexa turned towards her a very deadly look on her face, “You think I took that decision lightly? I already told you I did what I had to do for my people, I am responsible for each and every one of their lives, and I had to make that decision with my head and _not_ my heart.”

“You left my people to _die_!” Clarke shouted back, “You betrayed _me_ and _my people_! You made me do it! You made me kill them!”

Lexa’s face contorted into one of confusion, “Kill who?”

Clarke chuckled, “Of course you don’t know.” She inhaled sharply, “I killed them. _All_ of them. The mountain men are all dead. The children, the innocents, the guilty. I let the radiation kill them. I pulled the lever. _I_ did it, and now thanks to you it’s all on _me_.”

Lexa swallowed seemingly unable to believe all of this, “They’re dead?”

“Yeah, yeah they are.” Clarke’s voice broke. “I had to do what I did to save my people, remember?”

Lexa nodded in disbelief, “Yes you did.” “That’s all you have to say to me?” She shouted back, her blood pumping through her veins so violently she could feel every ounce of blood trickling down them. “Innocent people _died_ , because of you.”

“I recall you saying that you were the one who pulled the lever, how is that my fault?” Lexa shot back quickly.

“I wouldn’t have had to kill them if you had stuck to the plan! If you hadn’t backstabbed me as if I was little game piece in your puzzle!” Clarke retorted with as much force as she could handle. “How heartless are you? I thought I could trust you, I thought you gave a shit!”

Each word she uttered felt like it was peeling the anger bit by bit. She was closer to the tears rather than the anger. She didn’t want to cry, but she would soon enough.

Clarke scanned Lexa’s face and could only see nothing. As usual, Lexa showed no sign of remorse. She didn’t care. “Our Alliance is dead. It’s over. You don’t have to pretend that you care about me anymore. You can go.” Clarke’s cold voice left only silence.

Clarke saw a flicker of anger in Lexa’s eyes but she remained silent.

“Go _away_.” Clarke said once again, and with that Lexa left. Without a word, without a glance, without anything, she left.

She slumped back into the bed, not caring about what would happen to her, not caring where she was, not caring about the repercussions of everything she had done so far. She couldn’t. Not when the numbness was over. Not when she was finally feeling something.

A whimper escaped her lips and she sobbed silently until she could do nothing else but fall back into the torturous dreams. Nothing about her conversation with Lexa made her feel better, all she felt was a massive void inside of her, growing bigger and bigger by the second.

She was alone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's still tormented by guilt. She thinks and thinks and it's not really doing much for her.

The last few days were ones of utter isolation. Clarke remained in the commander’s tent and didn’t dare to get out, her body remained stuck to that bed as if she was leeching all the power of it. There was no other word to describe what Clarke was feeling. She was in pain, and not just physically.

Her plan was to remain there until her shoulder healed, but in reality she was fine. Her shoulder had healed well and the only pain that remained was the soreness, she could even stand up without feeling the world spin. Physically, she was fine. Emotionally, she wasn’t.

She had no reason to remain in the hut and yet she did anyway, something made her want to stay and she didn’t dare to ask why. She was in a very dangerous situation but couldn’t find herself caring. To her, her duty was done. She saved her people and couldn’t live with what she did to achieve that.

Lexa hadn’t visited her since their last ‘conversation’, and despite what Clarke tried to believe, it hurt her. Even though she was still terribly hurt by Lexa’s actions she couldn’t help but feel like their business was far from finished. She needed to talk to her.

What Clarke really needed to do however, was to get out of there. The fact that she even had been staying in the commander’s tent was already a big enough gesture from Lexa, considering how unwelcome she probably was there.

She wanted to eradicate all thoughts of Lexa out of her mind, but no matter how much she tried they would just bounce back. Just like how she couldn’t stop thinking about Finn and the mountain men. Those thoughts were now engrained in her mind and would taunt her forever, the only way they would stop was if she forgave herself, and she wasn’t sure if she could do that. Not when every single thing she believed in had been torn right in front of her.

One thing Clarke stuck to was her morals, and that night she had to cross them without hesitation. She had to steal away the lives of innocent people who only meant to survive, just like her people. Some of them didn’t even agree to what they were doing, some of them tried to _help._

The children were the worst part, the guilt free children who probably had no idea what was going on, their parents who cared so much about them had to watch the life being sucked out of each one. It was what haunted Clarke most at night, those little children who were only collateral damage.

All Clarke could do was think and think and think. She was so tired of thinking, she wanted to stop thinking and start doing. Actually make a meaningful change in her life, but what good would that do? What if this was the change in her life? What if she was just broken and would remain that way?

No matter how many times she would try to convince herself that she was just being paranoid, her negative mind-set immediately creeped in. Clarke believed that there was no escape for what she had done.

All her dreams were flattened with one swift blow, the one thing that motivated Clarke was now gone. No determination, no ambition, no goals. She was now only existing on the bed that she had been stuck to for days. She was weak. That’s all she ever would be.

She could imagine Lexa telling her that, telling her that her emotions made her weak, that if she could just stop caring she wouldn’t have to feel so bad. Maybe she had a point, maybe if she didn’t have to feel every single thing she wouldn’t feel like the whole world was falling down right on top of her.

Then what would her mum say? Abby, the one person who always had her back, who always believed in her survival when everyone else thought of it as impossible. Her father would too tell her not to give up, but he was dead now- due to his own determination to do what was right.

Everything was and seemingly always will be so complicated. The world is a tightly closed box that will never be fully understood.

Clarke wanted so badly to understand why things were the way they were, but she would never get that answer. She had so many questions piling up and the frustration of having them left unanswered burned a pain inside of her so big that it threatened to eat her up alive.

Getting out of that bed and back into the wild was too much for Clarke to even consider, she may have no reason to stay there but something was holding her back too. She had nowhere to go and she had no one. Those were both two choices that Clarke made by herself and she cared too little to regret it.

The will to survive had left Clarke’s body, leaving her with the useless clump of matter wasting away on a bed she wasn’t even welcome in. Her situation was in dire need of a change and yet she couldn’t find enough motivation to do that.

No one knew where she was, she made sure of that. She pushed away everyone who wanted to help her, convinced that they could do nothing to help her tortured mind. They couldn’t.

This was something Clarke had to fight on her own, something she had to find a way to fix completely by herself – alone or not, she had to do this, not someone else.

She stared at the pillow beside her and closed her eyes, hoping for a better day, hoping that things would start to look up. Sleep could only let her escape the world for a couple of hours.

Tomorrow, she would have to truly face what she had been avoiding for days.

She had to face herself.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke thinks it's about time that she left, but to do that she needed her gun - which means a pretty angsty conversation with Lexa is bound to come up.

The world seemed just as bleak as it did yesterday, with the unwelcoming feeling of foreboding, Clarke knew that her isolation had to end today. She had to once again, deal with everything she was so scared to deal with.

Her rest ended shortly once the nightmares crept in again, the deaths swarmed her mind and even once she woke up she felt the darkness surround her. The weight on her chest dug harder and harder into her body, its mass increasing every time she thought about what she had done. She didn’t know how much longer she could handle the uncertainty of it all.

When the numbness passed away, she felt everything all at once. It was torturous, and it hadn’t yet ended. Only time could tell if it ever would. Obtaining the strength to finally do something about the perilous direction she was heading in was not something easy for Clarke, especially at a time of such agony.

The only visitor Clarke had was Nyko; their healer. For some reason he could not look Clarke in the eye, he would always focus on her wound rather then start up any form of conversation. Maybe he knew of all the horrible things Clarke had to do, and would rather not strike up any form of conversation with someone so broken and battered.

Or maybe the fact that her people had been betrayed by their own heartless Commander left him feeling guilty, and for that reason he did not dare to even peek at Clarke’s broken reality.

_Do these people even feel guilt?_

For most of her time spent with the grounders, she always saw them as barbaric creatures who were born into a violent atmosphere, who had no choice but to act on what they felt rather than be merciful. They were undeniably loyal to their commander and their punishments for those who weren’t, were tough and cruel. Until eventually Clarke realised they were not so different from them, back on the ark anyone who disobeyed their rules would be floated, same as the grounders; no mercy. The sky people and the grounders were inhabited in different places and circumstances, and yet they both acted generally the same. In other words, there is no real difference between the two.

For that reason, Clarke decided that creating an alliance between the two would serve them both well. They both had different advantages that could have helped them defeat the mountain men, and yet when push came to shove their commander made a pact with the enemy to save their own. Their plans failed and the sky people were once again left to fend for themselves.

It angered Clarke greatly to remember the event, but she had no other choice then to finally make her peace with it. Her anger although rightfully so, was also misplaced towards Lexa. She couldn’t blame Lexa for the death of all those people, she had pulled the lever and she had the support of Bellamy to do it. It may not have felt like the right thing to do, but she did it anyway.

Lexa still had fault, and coming to terms with that would not be easy for her, considering how emotionless she proved to be. Clarke knew that the hardest part of all of this was not forgiving Lexa, but forgiving herself. Forgiving herself for committing what only can be called genocide.

Admittedly, the more she thought about it the worse it really did seem. She had been through so much in those last couple of months and accepting what she had to do was definitely not something simple. She might want to be Lexa in these situations, but she isn’t Lexa – she is Clarke and that’s who she’ll always be.

She inhaled deeply and got ready for what she knew she had to do. As she got up from her bed she walked outside of the hut and was taken aback by the scorching light of the sun; she had gotten used to the darkness of Lexa’s hut so much that she forgot how bright it actually was outside.

She spotted Indra and hesitantly walked in her direction. Indra was highly distrustful of the sky people, which made Clarke a threat in her eyes. She was definitely intimidating, but she was also the only person Clarke trusted enough to tell the honest truth.

Indra eventually spotted her and scowled, as if Clarke’s appearance ruined her day immediately. Indra then proceeded to look right through her, but Clarke had no time for Indra’s bullshit. “I need to know where Lexa is.”

Indra’s expression turned into one of annoyance, “She does not wish to be spoken to.”

Clarke knew not to push Indra but at that point she couldn’t care less, she needed to get out of there as soon as possible and she couldn’t wait any longer. “I don’t care, tell me where she is.”

Her beady eyes squinted at Clarke making her feel like a weak small creature who could easily be taken care of, “You are an outsider here, and we don’t take commands from outsiders.” She spat.

“Of course you don’t, you take commands from ruthless leaders who leave their allies to _die_.” Clarke pronounced every word with precise accuracy, as much as she tried to keep her anger intact the betrayal was still fresh and she would not be pushed around – not matter how broken she currently was.

Indra was quick to reply, she pulled out her dagger and pushed it towards Clarke’s neck, just enough to break the skin. “How can you be so ungrateful as to berate our commander? You were never our allies, we do not trust you, and we will _never_ trust you.”

Before Clarke could even reply a firm voice emerged from behind her, “ _Shof op Indra_!”

Indra immediately dragged her dagger away from Clarke’s neck and let her go, she nodded and walked away. Clarke looked behind her to see Lexa standing behind her with her arms crossed. “You requested my presence?”

Clarke nodded, trying to avoid any extra conversation between the two of them. She did not want to speak to Lexa, there was no point to it anymore- she just wanted to leave.

“Well?” Lexa urged, “What is it that you want?”

“I want to leave.” Clarke deadpanned. “I appreciate you letting me stay here but it’s not my place to be, it won’t ever be my place.”

Lexa said nothing and stared at Clarke, “Are you returning back to your people?”

“No.” Clarke replied.

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked in confusion.

Clarke rolled her eyes, Lexa did not deserve an explanation and she did not have the patience to explain to her either. She pushed through Lexa and walked back to the hut, trying to avoid any further questions.

Lexa followed her shortly after, “Why are you not returning back to the sky people? Are they not your people?”

Clarke turned towards Lexa and felt the rage inside of her fire up again, “Why do you care, Lexa? You betrayed us, you betrayed _me_! Why act as if you care what happens to me?”

She looked away unable to look Clarke in the eye, as if she was hiding something. “I want my gun _back_.” Clarke insisted.

Lexa remained silent and finally looked at her, except this time she looked different. Even with her mask on Clarke could tell that this time there was something strange about the way she was looking at her. Was she _concerned_? Her face remained solid and unchangeable and yet her eyes told a different story. There was some kind of emotion and it was staring at Clarke right in the face, leaving Lexa completely vulnerable.

Clarke felt her hard demeanour peel away, abandoning her with her bare feelings – the ones she had been trying to ignore ever since she was betrayed. She couldn’t bear to remain angry at Lexa anymore, no matter how much she deserved it, and she felt every hard bone in her body start to soften along with the warm expression in Lexa’s eyes.

She sat back down on the bed and stared at the floor. There was no way she was going to be able to avoid Lexa now. Just one look could break the hard shell Clarke had spent so much time building around herself.

“You don’t understand, Lexa.” Clarke sighed, “I’m not _like_ you. I can’t act as if death does not haunt me, I can’t see love as weakness and there is no way I could ever not care. My feelings are what make me human, and to you that may seem like weakness but to me it’s what makes me _strong_.”

She looked straight into Lexa’s eyes this time, “Hiding what you feel only makes what you feel stronger, it doesn’t work. You only think it does because you’ve gotten so used to the empty feeling that’s developed inside of you. That empty feeling is _not_ nothing, that emptiness is what makes you human. You feel _everything_ , I know you do.”

The concerned expression disappeared as quickly as it appeared, now Clarke was met with lashes of anger staring right back at her. “You don’t _know_ me Clarke.”

“I don’t need to know you to see that, you’re only lying to yourself.” Clarke challenged her further, “For the last couple of days I couldn’t understand how the hell you made that decision, I couldn’t understand how you could easily betray me. You told me that you did care and yet you left anyway. I was so hurt that I almost forgot what I saw that very second, you _**did**_ care. It hurt you to do what you did, it hurt you to act like you didn’t feel guilty, but I _know_ you do- I _know_ you feel guilty.”

“You know _nothing_!” Lexa shouted, “You know absolutely nothing about me! I _am_ heartless, I _am_ ruthless! I have to be this way, for my people. I _am_ this way!”

Clarke stood up and faced Lexa head on, “Then _let me go_! If you believe you are all those things, give me my gun and let me go off on my own!”

Lexa breathed in heavily shaking presumably with anger except she looked crushed rather than angry. Clarke waited for a reply until she realised Lexa wasn’t going to. Maybe what she believed Lexa to be was no longer true, maybe she really truly had no ounce of compassion left in her body.

In despair Clarke began to walk towards the far end of the hut, even if it was to be without her gun. She needed to get out of there, whether she was armed or not. “Where are you going?” Lexa’s voice was not as firm as before, it sounded strange; fragile.

“I don’t know.” Clarke replied quietly, because she really didn’t.

Lexa turned towards her, “Why won’t you return to your camp?”

Clarke closed her eyes and sighed, “I can’t.” She sat down and rested her back on the chair behind her. “I can’t go back there, not right now.”

“It’s not safe out there, there are other nations out there that pose a big threat.” Lexa said almost softly.

Clarke shrugged, “I don’t have anywhere to go, I’m stuck. _Nowhere_ is safe. If I go back to my camp I’ll have to face what I’ve done and I’m not ready for that. If I go somewhere else, I’ll get killed and everyone _here_ hates me. I’m not welcome anywhere.”

“I’m the commander, my people obey _me_.” She looked at Clarke tentatively, “You are welcome _here_ , Clarke.”

Clarke looked back up at her, “I don’t want to stay somewhere where people are obliged to like me. There’s nothing welcoming about that.”

“They’re not obliged to like you, my people respect you. Our Alliance may be over but that doesn’t mean that they stopped respecting you. Clarke they look up to you, they do even more now that you defeated the mountain men.” Lexa replied.

Clarke massaged her head trying to escape the memory of the clumps of radiation riddled bodies, “ _Nothing_ about what I did deserves _respect_ Lexa! There were innocent people there! There were _children_!”

“ _None_ of them were innocent! They kept _our_ people hostages, they used them like lab rats, and they _abused_ them! They got what they wanted through the _death_ of our people!” She exclaimed.

“And look how that ended up! You made a pact with the enemy and left _MY_ people to die! You acted as a coward!” Clarke spat out.

Lexa shook her head and sat down next to Clarke in defeat, “I can’t fight with you over this anymore Clarke. I never took that decision lightly, but your plan wasn’t working as well as you wanted it to, and I had to make a tough decision to assure the lives of all my people. I _had_ to.”

Clarke closed her eyes, “I just can’t stop thinking about what I did. It’s killing me and I can’t make peace with it.”

“You killed hundreds of people Clarke, making peace with that can never be easy.” Lexa said, “Being on your own in a world you know not enough of will not help that. I’ll give you your gun back, but know you are welcome here, Clarke of the sky people.”

She looked at Clarke as she waited for her answer, this time being much more patient then earlier that morning.

“Fine, but I still want my gun back.” Clarke said, “Indra kind of scares me.”

She saw the end of Lexa’s lips softly curl into a smile and Clarke found herself smiling right back.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa go hunting and Clarke comes to a realization.

To say Clarke wasn’t feeling better would be a lie, ever since things between Lexa and her calmed down she felt slightly better, even though there was still a part of Clarke that felt uneasy around her.

Lexa and Clarke came to a certain understanding; as long as they respected each other they could get along, maybe even be friends again- but Clarke secretly forbade for their possible friendship to ever become more than that.

She may have been feeling better but she was not yet at peace, in fact she was nowhere near that. Her initial plan was to escape the camp and be on her own, completely. She wanted no other human contact because she believed she couldn’t handle it, not after she killed all those people. The memory was still deeply affecting her, and she knew to expect nothing else but that, however she wished it could be over.

Forgiving herself would not be easy, just like Lexa said she was not innocent in what she had done- but she did what she had to do to ensure the lives of her people. She had to convince herself that she did what she _needed_ to do.

Blaming Lexa for everything she had to do that night wasn’t fair, she was responsible in a way but through the end of it all it was Clarke who made the decision. _That_ was what Clarke had such a time trying to understand, _why_ she did it.

She knew why she had to do it, but not why she _did_ it. Why she was so adamant in proving everyone wrong? Why was she pushed so far to kill them? Why was she was the one who had to make the choice? _ **Why**_?

She couldn’t have her questions answered. Yet again she would have to live with the pain of not knowing and just hoping, _hoping_ for herself.

She heard someone walk in the hut and surprisingly saw Lexa walk in with heavy armour. She was fully armed and had Clarke’s gun in her hand. “What the hell?” Clarke whispered, “It’s early in the morning, what are you doing here?”

“You were already awake.” Lexa said with a seemingly innocent tone, but Clarke knew what she really meant by that. She threw the gun on the floor and jerked her head towards the end of the hut. “Get up, we’re going hunting.”

Clarke’s face expressed one of confusion, “Don’t the others hunt for food?”

“Usually, yes but since you’re going to be staying with us for now you need to contribute too.” She replied, “I’m coming with you because I don’t trust you to be alone out there on your own.”

Clarke grabbed her gun from the floor and rolled her eyes, “I’m not some broken animal that needs to be taken care of Lexa, and you don’t need to treat me like one.”

“I know that.” Lexa said as she followed Clarke out of the hut, “But every time I see you, you have this dark look in your eyes and I know because I was feeling that same pain once. I would tell you what I’ve told you in the past about your emotions being your weakness but you insist on feeling what you feel.”

Clarke bit her tongue and decided not to point out that Lexa too, did feel the pain- that she just acted like she didn’t. They walked for around half an hour in silence until they heard a shuffling in the bushes behind them. “If history is repeating itself and it’s that huge gorilla that’s behind us, I’m running away- just so you’re aware.”

Lexa’s face although serious seemed to be amused, maybe she wasn’t such a boring sod after all. Lexa dashed to the side of the bush behind them and shook her head towards Clarke’s direction, “Nothing here, not even a deer.”

“Last time I saw a deer it had two faces so honestly, I’m not disappointed.” Clarke said as she remembered her first day on earth. She would have kept the smile what formed after remembering that day if she had not also remembered who she was with. _Finn_.

She tried to block out his memory so that she could focus on what she really had to do, but it was proving to be very difficult.

“Are you okay?” Lexa asked her whilst looking at her carefully.

“Yeah.” Clarke cleared her throat, “I’m good. How about we track back and follow whatever sound we heard? Something had to be there.”

Lexa nodded and walked in the opposite direction, “Does anyone know you’re here?” She asked striking up a conversation.

Clarke shook her head, “The only person I told was Bellamy. My mum, my friends and my people have no idea where I am, not even Bellamy really. All he knows is that I can’t be around them, but I guess no one really understands why.”

“I do.” Lexa replied, “It’s not easy being around your own people when you’re riddled with guilt. What you have to do for you people will change you, Clarke…maybe it already has.”

Clarke looked straight forwards as to avoid Lexa’s gaze, she followed Lexa and decided to stay silent. Lexa, however didn’t commend her silence, “I didn’t mean to imply that you’re a bad person for doing what you did.”

“I know that Lexa, but what I don’t understand is why this had to happen to _us_.” She sighed and tried to keep her feelings intact.

“Us?” Lexa replied, “What do you mean?”

“I mean that although we’re not children anymore we’re still young. People our age would never have to take such decisions, except _we both_ have to.” She replied, “Our freedom was stripped away from us, our innocence – everything that made us, _us_ was taken away.”

“Our chancellor threw 100 of us on a ship to see if Earth was survivable, we were left to fend for ourselves- all of us who were just about to turn eighteen years old were left to survive in a world we knew nothing of.” She felt the anger rise up inside of her, “I had to take responsibility because no one else was going to. When the rest came down to join us, they expected me to suddenly treat them as our leader once again and I just couldn’t do that. Not after all that I sacrificed, not after all the pain and now I’m stuck in a situation that has left me weaker than ever, and I can’t find it in myself to forgive that.”

Lexa stopped walking and turned towards Clarke, “It _is_ unfair Clarke but now that we actually are in this situation we have to do what we can to help our people survive. Nothing is fair in this world, I have lost many – too many and it is why I am the way I am. I cannot be the person I was before, not when we live in such a perilous environment.” She exhaled, “But you’re different Clarke. I underestimated you the first time I met you because you relied on your feelings so strongly, I thought you were weak but you aren’t. You’re strong- stronger than anyone I’ve ever known. You’ve given up so much and yet you continue to live on. I both envy and admire you for that. I am not like you, I am the weak one here- _not_ you.”

Clarke felt the tears in her eyes brim up but before she could even say anything a wild boar jumped out from the bushes in front of her, pinning her down onto the hard ground. She screamed and cried for help as she tried to reach for her gun which was nowhere near her.

She heard Lexa draw her sword and with one swift blow she stabbed the boar in its heart, very luckily missing Clarke. She pulled Clarke up next to her and wiped the blood of her face. Clarke, in alarm hugged Lexa and suddenly came to a realization.

For so long she was hurt by what Lexa had done to her, she tried to hate her for it and failed at it. There was a reason for that; Clarke understood exactly why Lexa did what she did- and it was Clarke who was mad at herself for understanding that. Yes, she was hurt by what Lexa had done, but Clarke knew why she had to do it- she had to do it because she owed her life to her people. Her whole life purpose was to protect her people and failing to do that would mean that she was indeed weak, and she couldn’t bear to believe that, so she shut out her heart and let her head do the decision making. Finally, she understood why Lexa was so intent on betraying Clarke. Now Clarke understood _everything_ \- she understood why **she** killed the mountain men. _Finally_ , she understood what was already obvious- she understood _why_.

“I’m _sorry_ Lexa, I’m sorry that I was so angry with you.” Lexa still remained still but Clarke kept on hugging her, “I forgive you. I _forgive you_ , Lexa. I just need to know if I can trust you, you don’t have to feel what I feel, regret, guilty, hurt, care any of it– I just need to know I can trust you, because right now I don’t know who to trust.”

Slowly, she felt Lexa’s arms reciprocate the warm hug as if saying, “ _Yes Clarke, you can trust me. I promise_.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's life now starts to revolve around the grounders, she must learn how to live with them and live like them.

Living with the grounders proved to be much harder then she initially thought it would be. For starters, life with them was much less technical then with the sky people. They lived in a primitive way which Clarke had yet to fully get used to. She, due to her healing knowledge (based off of her mother) is now a healer along with Nyko. Most of the grounders still do view her as an outsider, they do respect her but to them she is still part of the sky people.

Which she really still is, she didn’t abandon her people and yet calling them _her_ people sounded very wrong in her mind now. A part of all of this felt wrong since she was meant to be with her family and friends, and yet they didn’t feel like that anymore – she couldn’t be around anyone who reminded her of what she had to do for their survival.

In the end she still felt alone, none of the grounders really spoke to her. Nyko still refused to look her in the eye, for reasons she couldn’t really understand and Indra hated her for once again, reasons she couldn’t understand. The only reason Indra hadn’t slit her throat yet was all because of Lexa. She hated the fact that her own survival now only based on Lexa’s protection, she hated the fact that she felt so displaced and disorientated, but she had to make do with where she was.

Lexa had been very patient with Clarke, especially when there were days were Clarke was so detached with reality. She suspected that there was a part of Lexa that felt guilty for leaving her to fend for herself like that, but Clarke decided to not bring the topic up. She truly did forgive Lexa for doing so, understanding why she had to make a similar decision herself. There were obviously still parts of her that couldn’t help but think about it, but she held no resentment towards Lexa for it, in her eyes there was no point in fighting about something that was already done for.

Besides, Clarke felt very grateful for all of Lexa’s patience. She let her stay in her hut, let her stay with her people even though their alliance was barely existent and she even offered advice at a time where Clarke really needed it. Lexa was trying her best and even going out of her own comfort zone to make sure that Clarke was in hers. She couldn’t be mad at her even if she wanted to be, Lexa might have seemed heartless and detached from emotion but Clarke knew she wasn’t. Deep down inside so did Lexa herself.

In reality, Clarke’s only current friend was Lexa and it wasn’t always easy being friends with the commander of 12 tribes, especially one who you’ve made out with. Clarke had no intention of getting into a relationship with Lexa or anyone for that matter, but they never spoke about that kiss again so occasionally there would be an awkward moment here and there between the two.

Eventually, Clarke knew that she would have to actually make friends here especially since her stay seemed to be more than just temporary. She wished she had some kind of plan of what she was to do with her life, but right now all she was doing was sticking to Lexa like glue since she knew generally nothing about what else to do with her current situation.

She might have been more grounded but she was still quite clueless. She had nowhere to go and she didn’t feel right anyway. She always had a constant feeling of un-easiness and it would soon prove to drive her insane. She wanted to believe that it would pass but it had been over a week now and she still was feeling like her whole world was collapsing underneath her.

It was Lexa who kept motivating her to keep on living, she pushed Clarke to do things she didn’t want to do. Such as wake up early in the morning and go hunting, pester her about how she was dealing with everything and even give brief advice. Clarke could tell that what Lexa was doing was something that she normally wouldn’t do with anyone else, and it did make her feel special. It made her feel as if she was accountable to someone else other than herself.

Funnily enough Lexa’s character seemed to develop even more ever since they had become closer once again, Clarke started to see parts of Lexa that she never had noticed before. Such as her undeniable good sense of humour and her somehow very understanding nature. It hurt Clarke to think that Lexa kept all her good attributes hidden when they could instantly make anyone like her, but she didn’t think it was a good idea to try tell her this- not when Lexa was so closed up in her own idea of the world.

What really struck Clarke as amazing was what Lexa had said to her when they went out hunting together for the first time, when Lexa admitted that acting as if she felt nothing did in fact make her weak. It was something she was sure Lexa found incredibly difficult to admit, especially when she fought so hard to keep it up. She told Clarke that she was strong and her words were what really instilled hope inside of Clarke, her words of encouragement made her feel like even though she truly had no sense of direction – she wasn’t hopeless.

It was a surprise especially for Clarke when these words came out of Lexa’s mouth, but nonetheless they did and for that Clarke felt a sense of serenity around Lexa. Around Lexa she didn’t always have to speak, sometimes they would walk in silence and it wouldn’t feel awkward, at least not when they were having a somewhat intense conversation before that.

A big part of her missed that about Finn too, his understanding nature and his kind ways, and yet a part of her felt like she had lost him before he died. His will to find Clarke had turned him into someone she didn’t even recognize anymore and for that she was unsure of who he really was, but she did love him – that she knew for sure.

She also missed everyone back from the camp, even though it was her decision to leave there was not a moment where she would not wonder how they were coping. Bellamy and Octavia who both had their own internal demons to deal with, Jasper who’s girlfriend was killed along with the hundreds of mountain men, Raven who lost the ability to walk properly after she got shot in the back, Monty who’s only intention was to do good and her mother Abby who was probably missing her the most. They barely had enough time together and now that the worst was presumably over, her daughter had once again left and was nowhere to be found.

It hurt her to think about everyone’s reactions but she couldn’t focus on that, she really couldn’t be around anyone from Camp at the very moment. Too much had happened to her and to everyone else for them to be united. She was still trying to make peace with herself and for some reason being around Lexa and the grounders somewhat helped with that. Possibly because they weren’t a constant reminder of what she had to do that night.

 The empty feeling that occupied Clarke only grew bigger day by day and she still couldn’t really understand why that was. Maybe she really still did feel alone, even if she physically wasn’t. She wanted to reach out to someone and the only person she could currently reach out to was Lexa, she wasn’t sure if that was always such a good idea.

The worst were the nights, her nightmares were getting worse and worse and the solitude she felt was tremendously horrible. Lexa’s bed was massive and it only made her wish for someone to be there with her. It didn’t really matter who at that time, she just needed someone to comfort her and over here there weren’t many people who would do that.

Today, however was the climax of Clarke’s nightmares. She tossed and turned and tried to shut out the clumps of lifeless bodies from the depths of her minds and yet her dreams felt like a prison that she would be forever shut tight in. The groans of the dead haunted her and all at once she felt the world shaking and falling apart until she realised that Lexa was shouting her name. “CLARKE!”

Clarke woke up all of a sudden to see Lexa’s face riddled with some sort of subtle concern, “What? What happened?” She replied still trying to catch her breath and adjust to her reality.

Lexa sighed, “You were screaming, probably just having a nightmare.”

She felt a rush of heat travel to her cheeks, now her nightmares were no longer secret to her. “Oh. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you. Did anyone hear me?”

She nodded, “Many did.”

“Did Indra indirectly threaten to kill me?” Clarke joked desperately trying to lighten up the increasingly morose mood.

Clarke saw Lexa’s cheek bones rise with the smile she was trying very hard to supress, “I assure you it was quite direct.”

Clarke chuckled even though there was nothing funny about someone wanting to murder you in your sleep, “Anyway, it won’t happen again. I’ll apologize to everyone tomorrow.”

Lexa shook her head, “No need for that, we’ve all experienced nights of terror. A very strong woman I knew suffered from nightmares too, what used to help her was someone being close by.”

“Costia?” Clarke asked quietly trying not to overstep with her overwhelming curiosity, which she clearly could not always contain.

She nodded slowly and cleared her throat, “Will you be okay? Do you need someone to stay with you?”

Clarke shook her head quickly, “No, no I’ll be fine. Thank you.”

Lexa got up and began to walk away from Clarke when all of a sudden she had a quick change of heart. Clarke closed her eyes as she knew she was already asking too much. “Lexa?” She asked quickly.

She turned around to face Clarke, “Yes?”

“Would you…would you mind staying here with me tonight? Or else just stay here anyway, since it’s your hut after all- I’ll go stay at the place you were staying at-” But Clarke wasn’t able to finish her sentence.

“There’s no need for that, I’ll stay with you tonight.” Lexa replied quickly as she walked towards Clarke. “We’re going to have to share the bed, if you don’t mind.”

Clarke almost wished she hadn’t asked for Lexa to stay with her, she refused to look Lexa in the eye- fearing she would notice the increase in her heart rate. “It’s your bed not mine.”

“Right now you inhabit that bed, so I’d say it’s yours.” She said with a slight smirk on her face, which Clarke could only hope to mean that she was happy to be in her bed again. “I’ll sleep on this side and you can sleep on that side, so that you don’t fall off.”

“Fall _off_?” Clarke said with a slight chuckle, “I may not be able to sleep well but I _know_ how to stay inside a bed, Lexa.”

She saw the smirk on Lexa’s face widen slightly and hit her lightly on the shoulder. Lexa blew out the candle that she had lit and got into the bed. “Clarke one thing.”

“Yes?” She replied.

“Don’t steal my covers at night, or I’ll take up Indra’s offer to ‘be done with you’.”

Clarke found herself laughing and kicked Lexa lightly, to which Lexa grunted. “Night, Lexa.”

“Goodnight, Clarke.” She replied as her head rested ever so gently on the pillow opposite to Clarke. The bed felt much less empty and for once in what seemed like ages she felt safe and not as empty as she did before.

Without any consideration at all Clarke found herself wrapping her hands around Lexa, seeking comfort. Lexa tensed up at first but eventually relaxed and pulled Clarke closer towards her, and before Clarke could even ask herself why she had done that, she finally fell into a peaceful sleep, one which was not inhabited by the lifeless bodies of those she had killed but of one of pure serendipity.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We never really get to see what Lexa is feeling, so this chapter serves as (kind of) Lexa's POV. We start to see the depth of all her emotions and some of her back story.

For what seemed like a very long time, she woke up and felt well rested. She didn’t wake up with a headache due to the horrible nightmare she would have just woken up from, instead she felt peaceful and not compressed with worry. Not for one second did she take any of this for granted, she was more than just relived. It felt like taking a deep breath of fresh air after drowning in her own pool of tears, there was nothing more she could say. She forgot what it felt like to truly sleep and now that she had, she felt her mind clear up slightly.

 

All at once she noticed Lexa’s arms tightly wrapped around her body and instantly remembered how she had hugged Lexa for comfort. She closed her eyes and taunted herself for being so needy the night before. There was no way she could escape Lexa’s arms, especially since she wasn’t entirely sure that she wanted to, there was a certain warmth and comforting feeling when being wrapped in someone’s arms and Clarke only hoped it was purely platonic.

 

Lexa was in some kind of deep sleep and Clarke couldn’t help but watch. It was the first time Clarke saw Lexa so peaceful; the way her chest rhythmically moved up and down, her breaths which were evenly paced and her face which for once did not seem to be shaped into some sort of fixed emotionless state. It made Clarke smile to see Lexa so peaceful, especially since Clarke was feeling the same way herself.

 

It suddenly dawned upon her that if she didn’t get out of that bed soon she’d start to question what she was still doing there, so hesitantly she attempted to slide out of Lexa’s grasp – but to no avail as the once peaceful Lexa woke up immediately, her eyes opening quickly, alert as ever.

 

Clarke bit her lip and sucked in her breath, “I’m sorry, I was trying not to wake you up.” She whispered quickly, worried that Lexa would be mad at her for waking her up from her seemingly beautiful slumber.

 

“It’s fine.” She said as she got up from the bed, as if she couldn’t bear to stay there for one more second. Clarke could feel the awkward tension build up between them and she too couldn’t bear to be in the same room anymore.

 

“I’m going out to hunt.” Clarke said quickly and without waiting for any objection from Lexa she grabbed her gun and rushed out of the hut. She ran towards the trees, far away from the camp so that Lexa wouldn’t be able to look for her. She wasn’t going to run away, but she needed a breather from the intense tension that was surrounding both her and Lexa. It was well due especially after last night’s ‘cuddle’ session.

 

Clarke knew that this would eventually happen, especially since they seemed to be getting closer. She knew that she couldn’t handle anything more than a friendship between the two, and yet everything in her body told her that she could. Her head said no but her body wanted what she knew she couldn’t have, especially not now. Everything was too complicated for her and Lexa to ever have anything more than a solid friendship. Clarke refused to let herself feel that way for Lexa, too much had happened for her to feel that way about someone again- not so soon after Finn.

 

Yet it really did feel like his memory was fading inside of Clarke’s mind and was being replaced by Lexa’s. She wanted to remember him, she wanted to feel him next to her and yet now that she barely could remember him as vividly, she couldn’t even do that. It hurt her to believe that she couldn’t even remember someone she loved so much. She felt like she failed him, like she failed _herself_.

 

Clarke felt like the breather she thought she needed was only making herself feel worse, after waking up so peacefully she was back to feeling suffocated. As if every time she was alone all the thoughts would rush back. She wished she could be independent and not so needy, she wished she didn’t have to rely on Lexa’s protection to ensure her survival. She wished that someone would talk to her, remind her that she isn’t a monster, that she like the rest of them made a decision she had to make to avenge her people. She wished that she could feel human.

 

Every time she thought she was handling everything better she realised that she wasn’t. She felt weak and used up, useless and hopeless. She thought she needed to be saved until she realised that she couldn’t be saved from something she was doing to herself, this wasn’t external- it was purely internal and burning her soul out from the inside. She knew that if she kept feeling like this all she would ever be was a reckless girl who knew nothing about how to be a leader, who knew nothing about fighting her own demons.

 

She felt foolish for even walking out of the hut, but she couldn’t help herself. It felt awkward, _too_ awkward to be in the same room after last night. It wasn’t as if something drastic happened between them, in reality cuddling can also be platonic and yet Clarke still felt the need to rush out of there as quickly as possible. For some reason it has become Clarke’s second nature to push away anyone who cared for her and it turns out she was doing the same to Lexa. She didn’t want to do that but she was doing it anyway.

 

She had reached out to Lexa yesterday because she was incredibly grateful for all that Lexa had done for her over the past few days. She sought comfort from someone and the fact that Lexa was that source of comfort made her feel insecure, especially since she couldn’t deal with her heart being broken once again. There was no use in starting something with someone when she was still so very broken.

 

There was a part of Clarke that wanted to let her feel what she was feeling for Lexa, but she knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. Clarke’s mind was still so muddled with her horrible thoughts, she recklessly was intent on being left alone in a very dangerous environment and was still recovering from what she had done. In reality, there would never be a right time – but she just knew that if she let herself feel more for Lexa then she already did, she would be making a mistake. She’s made so many mistakes and she was intent on not making another one.

 

The world was a cruel place, whether she was in space or on earth- it was cruel both ways. She lost her father, her friends, her first love- she lost so much and she couldn’t bear to lose more. The fear of losing anyone else was so big that it made Clarke push away anyone close to her, _that_ fear was only making what she was feeling worse – and she wasn’t realising that.

 

What she couldn’t shake off was how peaceful she felt when Lexa was so close to her, how safe she felt whenever she was within reach. She didn’t want to feel that way, she wanted to feel independent and yet she couldn’t deny that Lexa was possibly the only good thing that had happened to her in the last week.

 

She felt so alone ever since she had left her Camp, and she knew that was partially her fault. When Lexa agreed to sleep next to her the night before, she felt so much safer than she ever had in a while. Maybe it wasn’t all to do with Lexa being there, but the fact that someone cared enough to comfort her, to stay with her in her time of need. She was so used to over thinking everything that she didn’t realise that maybe what she was feeling was the relief that she felt after her restful sleep.

 

She was so worried about what it could mean for her and Lexa and yet she didn’t notice that Lexa was good for her right now, she was a good friend and that was really what Clarke needed. She was after all, living with the grounders and if she constantly kept pushing the only person who was looking out for her away, she would crawl back into the same hole she had dug up for herself. She didn’t want to do that, she wanted to feel better about herself, she wanted to feel safe and that was _exactly_ what Lexa made her feel like.

 

Clarke slowly changed her direction and walked towards the grounder’s camp, finally thinking clearly and not in a reckless pursuit to escape. Once she finally arrived at the camp she walked back to the hut and to her surprise saw Lexa sitting down on the bed staring into the distance. Clarke approached her slowly, making sure that Lexa was in fact even approachable.

 

“Lexa?” Clarke asked quietly, “Are you okay?”

 

She was met with a dead silence which immediately instilled fear into Clarke’s body, she walked towards Lexa and sat next to her on the bed. “What’s wrong?”

 

Yet again, Lexa remained silent. Clarke had no idea what to do, she had never seen Lexa like this and it was silently killing her that she was. With barely any knowledge of what Lexa was feeling she hugged her, hoping it would shake out some kind of reaction from Lexa.

 

It did.

 

Without any warning whatsoever Lexa began to sob, she clung on to Clarke so tightly as if letting go meant much more pain than she was already feeling. Clarke who was immensely startled at Lexa’s sudden outburst held Lexa for as long as she needed. This was definitely a side of Lexa that she had _never_ witnessed before. She was used to the emotionless, detached and cold Lexa, not the one who was currently crying on her shoulder, who was showing so much emotion that it was swallowing Clarke up whole.

 

Lexa’s sobs made Clarke’s heart ache for her, she had never seen Lexa like this and the fact that she was did hurt her. She didn’t want to see Lexa hurt, she may have wanted that a week ago but she was hurt too back when she felt that way. Now that they had become closer, she couldn’t bear to watch Lexa be in so much pain. She desperately wanted to know what struck up such sadness inside of her, especially since it was after Clarke’s sudden escape.

 

Slowly, Lexa’s sobs began to quiet down and her strong grip on Clarke began to weaken. She wiped her eyes and looked down at the floor, not daring to look at Clarke. Clarke didn’t want to push too far but she needed to know what was really going on, “Lexa, what happened?” She asked as softly as possible.

 

Lexa inhaled deeply and said nothing for a while, her eyes were shut tight in pain. She probably felt embarrassed for crying in front of Clarke, but there was no way that Clarke would leave her alone until she knew what happened. She was after all Lexa’s friend, despite the previous resentment that she held towards her, she had to be there for her. She would wait until Lexa was comfortable with talking about it.

 

Except Lexa was intent on not doing that, she got up and attempted to walk away but Clarke grabbed her hand just as quickly. “Lexa _please_ , please just tell me what’s going on. I’m here to listen.”

 

Lexa tried to snatch her hand away from Clarke but Clarke wouldn’t budge, “Let _go_!” Lexa said furiously.

 

Clarke shook her head and held on to her hand even harder, “You don’t get to shut me out Lexa, you need to tell me what’s wrong, otherwise you’ll be stuck with it.”

 

“I _am_ stuck with it!” Lexa exclaimed as she broke free from Clarke’s grip, “I’m stuck with it _every_ single day, it torments me _every single day_ of my life. It’s engrained into my mind and I can’t get it out. It refuses to leave me, her memory will never leave me!”

 

“Costia?” Clarke asked quietly, as she realised why Lexa’s face seemed to be in so much pain.

 

“Yes.” Lexa said as she sat back down next to Clarke. She ran her fingers through her hair and breathed out heavily, “Yesterday for what really was a treacherously long time, I finally slept well- I slept peacefully. She wasn’t there in my dreams, not like before- and it felt like I lost her all over again, she was always there and yet yesterday she wasn’t. They were horrible dreams but _at least_ she was there- and now she _isn’t_. Now she’s _gone_.”

 

Clarke knew exactly where she was coming from, and she felt horrible for forgetting that Lexa of course did have her own regrets- her own demons. “Do you always have nightmares? Are they always about her?”

 

Lexa nodded slowly, “They took her away from me, and it was _my_ fault. They wanted more information about me and they got it. They killed her in cold blood and it has haunted me ever since. I think of her every day and now I feel like I’ve lost her. It feels as if I’m forgetting her and I don’t want to- even if the only way I remember her is in the most horrible of all ways.”

 

Clarke sighed, relating to every single word that Lexa had uttered. “When I left earlier today, I was worried because Finn’s memory was fading away. It felt like I was forgetting him, that all he really was- was a distant ghost from my past. I wanted to hang onto that, even though every lasting memory of his was horrible. Then I realised that when I woke up today I felt **_better_**. Even if that meant that I had to finally accept he was gone, I felt _better_. I tried to push you away because I was scared, but I’m not anymore. I know he has to leave, he’s gone and all he is now is a memory. It’s painful, Lexa but you need to do the same to Costia. She should always be an important part of your life, but you need to _move on_. You _can’t_ act like you don’t feel anything because it’s very evident that you do.”

 

“I don’t know how to do that Clarke.” Lexa replied, “You don’t understand how I was brought up in this world. My father had to take care of me since my mother had died whilst giving birth to me, he taught me how to fight- how to earn respect and he taught me how to show no mercy. I was not taught to feel, Clarke. I was taught that our emotions were what kept us away from true victory, I tried to live my life the way he wanted me to, and yet he was wrong. After Costia died I fell apart, and thanks to him I couldn’t bear to grieve her, I was taught that love was weakness and believed that the reason it hurt so much was because I let it. I shut it all out until one day it returned in the most tormenting way ever. I am **_weak_** , Clarke. I am weak because I was brought up to be the emotionless person I am today. This _is_ me.”

 

“No Lexa, this isn’t you. This is who you _think_ you are, if you truly were emotionless you wouldn’t have cried, you wouldn’t have felt everything so strongly.” Clarke grabbed Lexa’s hands, “We both have a lot to deal with, but we need to promise each other to face our own problems head on. No more running away, no more acting like we aren’t affected by what happens to us. We are both leaders and we need to be strong. You need to feel what you feel Lexa, you can still be a good leader – what you feel _is_ what makes you a good leader.”

 

“I feel **lost**.” She replied, “I don’t know _what_ I am anymore. After last night I realised how much I hated being alone and I wish I didn’t. I want to be independent and yet I find myself relying on you.”

 

“Maybe you can’t handle everything on your own all the time.” Clarke replied, “Maybe you need a friend, and I can be that friend.”

 

“I don’t talk about myself and I have never spoken about Costia, not to _anyone_.” Lexa said quickly, “I want to trust you Clarke, but I don’t know how.”

 

Clarke squeezed Lexa’s hands, “You don’t have to be an open book, but the way I see it we both don’t have anyone. We’re alone in a world we both can’t really understand. We should take _advantage_ of that, we should help each other. Lexa, I promise you that you can trust me, I won’t leave and I won’t hurt you. I have no intention to go back to my Camp any time soon and I’m intent on helping you. I want to be your friend, I want to be someone you can talk to. I forgive you for betraying me and I want that to be behind us. I’m sick of dwelling on the past, I need to move on – we _both_ do.”

 

“Okay.” Lexa said quietly. “ _Okay._ ” She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes, “Don’t you _dare_ tell anyone I cried. Crying is seen as a form of weakness amongst us.”

 

Clarke rolled her eyes, “I bet feeling any remorse at all is seen as weakness here.”

 

Lexa shrugged, “For the most part, yes.”

 

Silence followed after that.

 

“I’ll go find another place I can sleep in, that way you can sleep well.” Clarke said with a tone of finality.

 

“Don’t be silly.” She replied, “I already told you, you can stay here.”

 

Clarke nodded, “I’m _really_ glad you said that, because you bed is _extremely_ comfortable.”

 

Lexa smirked, “Are you sure that’s why you’re really glad?”

 

Clarke squinted in Lexa’s direction and rolled her eyes, “ _Shof op_ , Lexa.”

 

Lexa smiled and looked at Clarke. Clarke smiled right back and knew that somehow both she and Lexa would be able to fight through their terrors together.

 

All of a sudden she just knew that Lexa was now her _home_. Her _safety_.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nyko isn't quite fond of Lexa and voices his opinion of her to Clarke. Also there are certain rumours running around Polis and Clarke isn't too happy to hear about them.

Pain was something the grounders were clearly used to. Each day she saw copious amounts of people enter the camp grievously injured, some with hideous wombs that would surely leave a scar. As a healer her only job was to treat them, however she couldn’t help but wonder how they could actually find themselves in that position. Still, she kept her mouth shut and continued along with her job in silence.

 

Nyko, who was also a healer worked along with her but he still refused to speak to her. There was very clearly tension between the two and Clarke wished to break it. She couldn’t possibly understand what she had done to make him refuse to even utter a word. Besides Lexa she had no one to speak to at the camp, they only knew her as the leader of the sky crew and they saw her as an outsider. She did wish that she could actually speak to someone aside from Lexa, especially since she could only really speak to Lexa at night when the two were alone. Lexa was after all the commander and had many important things to deal with; Clarke was not a leader anymore- she _left_ her people.

 

The world did not seem to entice her as much as it did when she had first arrived here, all it did was hold most of her bad memories in a tight box which she couldn’t unlock. There was no possible way for her to forgive herself at that very moment, but ever since Lexa briefly opened up to her she felt her mind clear up and that to her was already a massive improvement.

 

Clarke had been living with the grounders for over a week now and just sticking to Lexa like a little child would not in any way improve her situation. She needed to become more familiar with everyone around her, she needed to befriend them. So it all really needed to start with her ‘colleague’ as such, since Nyko did after all work with her. Clarke needed to know his reasons for ignoring her, she couldn’t work well with all the tension swarming between them.

 

“You must have to deal with a lot if this was what it was like before I joined.” She said as she bandaged up a badly sprained ankle, desperately trying to strike up a conversation.

 

He however remained silent and focused on his own patient, stapling his eyes on to him rather than even bothering to reply to Clarke’s statement. Clarke sighed and waited for Nyko to be done with his patient before attempting to cut to the chase. Once he was done she didn’t wait one second longer, “Have I done something to offend you?”

 

This caught him off guard as he looked at her in alarm, “Why would you say that?” He asked with his gruff voice.

 

“You don’t seem to be very talkative and I was just wondering…” She said as she breathed heavily, “I know a lot has happened between our people and I know you all feel as if I’m an outsider that I’m just out to get all of you but I assure you I’m not.”

 

“That is not of my concern.” He replied, “I am here to do what I must and I don’t believe conversation is necessary.”

 

Clarke rubbed her forehead in frustration, “I understand that but I still think there’s something else behind it, I don’t expect you to ask me how my day was but you barely speak to me at all. I don’t exist around you, and I need to know why that is so that I can apologize if I’ve done anything that would be considered disrespectful around here.”

 

Nyko got up from where he was standing and shook his head, “You have done nothing to offend me”. He began to walk away but Clarke quickly caught up with him.

 

“I know you have lost many because of us, you lost many of your people when I had to protect the drop ship, you lost Artigas due to Finn’s madness.” She saw Nyko’s eyes narrow in pain as if the memory still hurt to even be reminded of, “You lost many and I know that I am associated with all of those acts and I am _truly_ sorry. It was never my intention to hurt your people, I’m grateful for you all letting me stay here and to you for healing my wound. I just want there to be no bad blood between us, I don’t wish any harm upon you or your people.”

 

He looked at her sharply and closed his eyes, trying to banish all his thoughts away. His piercing blue eyes once again stared right back into Clarke’s sending a feeling of great intimidation in her direction, “This is not what has angered me, Clarke of the sky people.” He sighed, “Follow me.”

 

Clarke hesitantly followed Nyko into a hollow cave which turned out to be where he stayed at, she sat down on the damp floor and awaited his reply. He sat down opposite her and looked around to see if anyone was close by. Once he realised everywhere was clear he turned his attention towards her. “Many of us here believe our Heda’s rule is one that will help us survive, I however disagree with them.” Once again he looked around to check if someone was there, “I am one of the few who know what really happened in Tondc when the missile was shot, I was there to watch the casualties multiply and I instantly knew our Heda had found a way to escape. She put the will to fight over the protection of her people and that is not a wise move of a commander. The survival of her people should come first and _not_ the will of revenge. When you and our Heda disappeared it was obvious to many of us that you both knew what was to happen, you both knew what would happen to all of our people and for that I have lost all my respect for her- but not you.”

 

Clarke stared at Nyko in confusion, she felt horribly guilty for what really did happen in Tondc, especially since she could have stopped all of it. She was just as guilty as Lexa at that moment and yet Nyko did not seem to be mad at her for that reason. “When Lexa betrayed the alliance I believed that it was wrong. I, like Lincoln felt wrong for what had happened especially when she made a pact with ones who had killed and held our people hostages. I do not trust our Heda and for that reason I am not able to speak to you out of guilt for letting your people die.”

 

“Have you not heard?” Clarke replied in alarm, “My people are safe, I killed the mountain men.” The memory stung in her mind as she tried to move it as far away from her as possible. “I had to, it was the only way I could ensure my people’s survival. They aren’t _dead_ , Nyko.”

 

He looked back at her as his face contorted into confusion, “Then why are you staying with us? Why are you here?”

 

“I _too_ am too guilty to speak to them.” She replied hastily, “I didn’t come here by choice but Lexa’s men found me and captured me, and I don’t have much choice but to remain here.”

 

Nyko nodded in realization, “I need to know that you will not tell Lexa what I have told you. Our people are not merciful and my life will not be spared.”

She touched his shoulder briefly and squeezed it, “You’re safe with me, but please hear me out when I say that Lexa is not who you think she is. She’s… troubled and I have forgiven her for her betrayal. She did what she had to do to save her people and knowing Lexa’s personality I should have known that she could not be trustworthy. That doesn’t make what she did right, and that doesn’t make what we did in Tondc right either. I am truly sorry for that and I’m sure she is too.”

 

He looked doubtful and sighed, “I am not one who would betray his own Heda, but betraying your own people is un-forgivable, it is _wrong_.”

 

“I _know_.” Clarke replied, “And I know that she doesn’t show remorse, that she doesn’t show that she cares at all but she **does**. She’s tormented by what she has done and she is forced not to show any emotion at all because she was-”

 

“Brought up that way, yes we _all_ were.” He said interrupting her midway, “This does not serve as an excuse for what she has done. Many have closed an eye but I will not.”

 

Clarke immediately feared for what this could mean for Lexa, she understood exactly where he was coming from but Lexa was her friend now and she cared about her- she couldn’t let someone believe so badly about her, she had to deal with this herself. “She _isn’t_ who you think she is Nyko. I cannot ever imagine how much you have lost but I have lost many too. I lost someone I loved, he who killed all of those people at your camp. Words cannot explain how horrible I feel for what he had done and yet he wasn’t thinking clearly. I know it excuses absolutely nothing and to you he deserved to die but he was a nice and kind person. You didn’t know him as well as I did, to you he was a murderer but to me he was a saviour.” She exhaled and looked at him briefly, “Things are far more complicated then they seem and that is what you must understand.”

 

He nodded slowly taking what she had just said into consideration, “You and our Heda have grown close I assume.”

 

“What do you mean by that?” Clarke said, quickly questioning what he really meant by his statement.

 

“People talk.” He said calmly, “I presume there is a specific reason for why you know so much more about all of this then we do.”

 

Clarke squinted at him, trying to understand what he was trying to say. “And…?”

 

“It is very clear that you and Lexa are in some kind of relationship.” He replied quickly, “A romantic one.”

 

Clarke’s eyes widened immediately and she felt a pang in her stomach at the mention of a relationship, “That is _not_ what’s going on between me and Lexa!”

 

He shrugged, “That is everyone’s understanding of the situation, and they cannot understand why else you’d be here if not for that reason.”

 

She huffed and rubbed her temples, “I need to go, listen just take what I said into consideration. You have no reason to feel guilty Nyko, I just hope somehow we can be friends.”

 

She left without a word and rushed to the hut hoping to find Lexa there. She needed to tell her what she had just heard, feeling it as a very urgent matter.

 

“ _Lexa!_ ” Clarke whispered upon entering the hut to find Lexa sharpening her blade.

 

Lexa stared back at her in alarm, “What?”

 

“Apparently, your people are under the impression that the reason I’m staying here is because we’re involved, _romantically_!” She hissed under her breath.

 

The only reaction Clarke got from Lexa was a light chuckle, she crossed her arms in frustration, “Oh is this somehow funny?”

 

“Calm down Clarke.” Lexa said as she got up from her chair, “Why must you act as if this is something bad?”

 

“Really?” She exclaimed, “How can this be _good?_ ”

 

“The idea of us being involved has more benefits rather than disadvantages.” She placed her sword carefully on the table in front of her, “Firstly it ensures your protection greatly, especially now that there is a valid reason for your presence here. Also, since our alliance remains undiscussed it will serve as a protection for your people, as my people will believe that our alliance is still intact- which it could still be.”

 

Clarke rolled her eyes, “So you’re asking me to play along with this because it has ‘benefits’?”

 

“I did not imply that in any way, but instead of fighting the rumours - say nothing. That way we are not enforcing them and neither denying them.” She replied.

 

“Why can’t we just be seen as friends? Is that so difficult? To just be **_friends_** around here?” She said trying to enforce her point.

 

Lexa sighed, “Over here we are not as _attached_ as your people. Maybe over there people sleep in each other's beds and it would be purely platonic, but over here if you're in the same room, in the _same_ bed you're likely not doing anything _friendly._ ”

 

Clarke couldn’t help but smile at Lexa’s implication even though she continued to object to her suggestion “But we aren’t doing anything like that!” She exclaimed.

 

“So?” Lexa replied, “Let them _think_ that, how does it really affect you? Unless you’re suggesting that I’m repulsive.”

 

Clarke rolled her eyes and smirked, “ _Fine_.”

 

“Good.” Lexa said, “Now get into bed before I change my mind about letting you in it in the first place.”

 

Clarke squinted in Lexa’s direction as she quietly got into the bed. “Did you sleep well last night?” Lexa asked her, “Any nightmares?”

 

Clarke shook her head, “You?”

 

“None.” Lexa deadpanned. “I am still taunted by those thoughts in the morning.”

 

“So am I.” Clarke sighed, she looked to her side to see Lexa staring at her very intently. Usually she would have found it slightly intimidating but she was quite used to it by now. “What are you thinking about?”

 

“I don’t know.” Lexa lied, “Its best we get some rest, we both cannot afford anything less than that.”

 

Clarke nodded in agreement but did not allow Lexa to turn off the light before she said one last thing, “Thank you.”

 

“For what?” Lexa replied in confusion.

 

“I take it you’re not this kind and comforting with everyone.” Clarke said softly.

 

Lexa raised an eyebrow, “I also have never cried in front of someone, and rarely do I ever cry in the first place, so maybe you’re something differently entirely Clarke.” She continued to stare at Clarke for a while until Clarke broke her gaze.

 

“Yeah.” Clarke said as she felt a lump form in her throat, she turned around letting her back face Lexa. “Maybe.”

 

Clarke closed her eyes and tried to remove all the lingering thoughts that hung onto Clarke so very eagerly. She attempted to focus on the one thing she really needed: Sleep. But how could she? How could she sleep when the person laying right next to her made her feel thing she couldn’t explain?

 

She knew that any more thoughts on the subject would drive her crazy, and yet she couldn’t stop the thoughts. She couldn’t shut them out. She turned on her side to face Lexa who too had not yet fallen asleep. They both looked at each other for a while until Lexa place her hand on Clarke’s cheek, caressing her softly. Clarke felt her heart rate increase rapidly.

 

Clarke put her hand over Lexa’s and squeezed it lightly, she then wrapped her arms around Lexa, trying to convince herself that she wanted comfort from the only person that was currently available. Lexa who eventually returned her embrace finally fell asleep.

 

But it was hours till Clarke actually fell asleep herself, she was too drawn into Lexa’s presence for the exhaustion she felt to take over her.

 

And when it finally did, she dreamt of only her.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa have some on going tension and neither of them know how to deal with it.

Life with the grounders was never peaceful, there was always some argument going on, some injuries that needed to be dealt with and yet Clarke did find her current stay with the grounders somewhat restful. At least compared to the events that had gone on in the last couple of months, arguments and injuries were something she could deal with.

 

That also meant that she could get back to her drawing, something she missed dearly. She had asked Lexa if there was any way she could get supplies from somewhere to which Lexa almost immediately got her something to draw with. It served as a big distraction for Clarke so that she wouldn’t have to constantly be taunted with her horribly pessimistic thoughts.

 

Drawing was her way of calming herself, it was as if the whole world around her blurred out of focus. All she could really focus on was what she was drawing, besides that – nothing else mattered. She could think about nothing but what she was drawing and that was exactly what she needed. Now that she could finally draw something she was stuck to her desk almost all day, constantly drawing her way through her day, thankfully there were no massive casualties that Nyko couldn’t handle today.

 

Without any thought at all, Clarke noticed that she was drawing the old drop ship which the 100 had previously stayed in, before the rest of the ark came. She did miss it, especially since there were far many more left of them at that time then there were now. They weren’t the 100 anymore, now they were shattered pieces spread widely on the vast ground and she was the most broken one of them all. Drawing it let the nostalgia kick in and as she felt her heart sink she knew that she had to stop what she was doing and take a break.

 

She fished through all of the drawings that she had drawn that very day and found one of Lexa that was hidden under piles of paper. She pulled it out carefully and stared at it wistfully, both appreciating what she had drawn and who she had drawn. Admittedly she enjoyed drawing Lexa very much, she had drawn her face from her memory which luckily was quite vivid. She couldn’t help but work extra hard on this particular doodle. The way each stroke of her pencil combined together to form Lexa’s delicate yet firm face amazed her, especially as it felt like she was staring at her right in the face.

 

“Did you draw that?” A voice resonated behind her.

 

Clarke jumped up in surprise to see Lexa standing behind her looking at the drawing, “Could you not do that?”

 

“Do what?” Lexa asked quickly.

 

“Creep up behind me like that.” Clarke replied whilst placing the drawing under the pile of papers in front of her quickly, but Lexa almost immediately took the drawing back and pulled it away from her.

 

“Give it back!” Clarke said as she tried to grab the brittle piece of paper from Lexa’s strong and flexible arms.

 

Lexa stood on her tiptoes and looked at the drawing in admiration, “How is it that you are able to draw my face so vividly?” She slowly gave Clarke back the piece of paper.

 

Clarke shrugged and put it away with the rest of her drawings, determined to hide it there for as long as she could possibly leave it there.

 

“Why did you draw me?” Lexa asked quickly.

 

She looked at Clarke expecting an answer to which Clarke looked away and casually pretended to sweep the ‘dirt’ off of her table, “Just as a thank you.”

 

Lexa’s face turned into one of wavering doubt, “Are we not past the vexatious ‘thank you’s’ by now?”

 

“What’s the big deal?” Clarke said hurriedly, “I drew you, so what?”

 

Lexa frowned, “There’s no need to be defensive, I was only asking a simple question Clarke. Are you okay?”

 

“I’m _fine_.” Clarke replied coolly.

 

“If something is wrong you are permitted to tell me, Clarke.” She said firmly, “Is that not what we had agreed? To be open with each other?”

 

“Which is why I’m not saying anything, because nothing _is_ wrong.” Clarke lied trying to avoid Lexa’s persistent and badgering questions. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

 

“No, I do not.” Lexa said with a slightly offended tone, “Why? Do you want me to leave you alone?”

 

She almost said yes but didn’t want to further offend Lexa, so she remained silent and sat down on her chair hoping that Lexa would actually leave her be. Clarke didn’t really know why she felt so tense all of a sudden but she couldn’t deal with Lexa being in the same room as her right at that moment. Day by day Clarke noticed herself getting rather close to her and she needed to stop being so drawn in to her presence, but she couldn’t.

 

“I don’t wish for there to be a constant sense of awkwardness but it seems to be the only thing that has surrounded us for days.” Lexa said, “Clarke, I do not wish to be in a relationship with you.”

 

Clarke turned around to face Lexa, “ _What?_ ”

 

“Is that not what this constant avoidance has been?” She said forcefully, “We presumably have solved all of our differences and yet you still seem to want to avoid my presence, until the night time were you suddenly wish for my comfort. This is me assuring you that I wish there to be no attachment of any kind between us.”

 

“So you’re going back on your ‘no emotion’ trip?” Clarke replied angrily, “I really thought you were willing to make a change!”

 

“I **_was_**!” Lexa shot back, “But all you do is _avoid_ me! How must one have any conversation with someone who constantly averts from one?”

 

Clarke remained speechless, she knew Lexa had a point but was too proud to admit it. She was after all the most stubborn of all her family, she would rarely admit that she was wrong. This, however was something different- she couldn’t admit it because she didn’t want to.

 

She heard Lexa’s footsteps move farer and farer away from her until she realised she couldn’t deal with another fight with someone else, especially not her. “ _Lexa_ …wait.”

 

Lexa turned towards Clarke with her arms crossed, waiting for an answer staring at Clarke very sternly. “I didn’t mean to avoid you, I just don’t know what’s going on between us and it’s just confusing.”

 

“What _is_ going on between us?” Lexa said quickly not looking her directly in the eye.

 

“You know what I’m talking about.” Clarke sighed.

 

“We kissed- _Once_.” Lexa said as she continued to stare at Clarke, “You told me that you weren’t ready to be with anyone and I respected your wishes and left you alone. Why is it that now you must focus on something that is in the past?”

 

“Because it’s not in the past!” Clarke found herself blurting out, “We never talked about it and it’s just- _awkward_ between us and I don’t know how to handle that! As you can see I’ve gotten quite horrible at dealing with things.”

 

Lexa closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, “What is it that you are trying to say?”

 

“I don’t know.” Clarke said as she let her head fall onto her knees, hiding her face away from Lexa. “I barely know how to put my thoughts into words.”

 

She felt a hand hold hers and lifted her head up to see Lexa sitting right in front of her, “Try.” She said, Clarke could see that she was trying her best to me somewhat comforting.

 

“ _I am_.” She replied, “Don’t _you_ think about it?”

 

“I think about many things, Clarke.” She frowned, “Of course I think about it, but I try not to let it get in my way of thought. It is clear that you aren’t ready for that and maybe too much has happened between us for that to ever be a reality.”

 

Clarke felt a deep pang in her stomach go off and felt her heart sink to the bottom of her soul, as if she had just heard the most devastating news. “Do you think that?”

 

Lexa looked down at the floor, “I don’t know, Clarke. I don’t know how to deal with difficult matters such as these, our situation is _intensely_ complicated.”

 

“I _need_ you there with me, Lexa.” Clarke said truthfully, letting all her thoughts finally run free, “For some reason the nightmares stop when you’re next to me and I don’t know what that says about me… or what that says about **us** , but you’re there at night when no one else is and I guess I just become needy and I hate it but there’s little I can do about it.”

 

Lexa raised an eyebrow, and seemed to be deep in thought. “Clarke, maybe it’s all in your head. You had said yourself that I was ruthless, I left your people to die and I betrayed your trust, nothing about that is appealing. Maybe you’re just clinging on to me because I’m someone who reminds you of what happened that night.”

 

“Let’s just stop talking about this.” Clarke cut Lexa off quickly, determined to leave the topic as far away from conversation as possible.

 

“This won’t solve anything, Clarke.” Lexa replied with a hint of annoyance in her tone.

 

“There’s nothing that needs to be solved.” She said as she got into bed, “I’m going to sleep.”

 

She however did not receive a reply from Lexa, Clarke turned around to see what Lexa was doing but saw no one there.

 

She was gone.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's missing and Clarke is beyond worried.

For someone who didn’t sleep a wink last night, Clarke was abnormally energized- but not for the right reasons. The intense fear that started to kick in was now surrounding her body, her hands which were uncontrollably shaking, her teeth which were shattering, and her mind which was full of fiercely paranoid thoughts. Yet most of all, she felt guilty. She cut off Lexa harshly and didn’t even bother to look for her when she had mysteriously left. Now that she was gone she was locked up in her dark place again, and she feared that Lexa wouldn’t be able to save her this time.

 

This however, was not what she was worried about. Right now she didn’t care about her welfare, not when someone close to her had theirs threatened. Lexa had not returned to the hut last night, and when Clarke went to look for her this morning she discovered that no one had seen her. That was when the crippling anxiety set in, when she _knew_ that something was wrong. She knew Lexa well enough to know she would never abandon her leadership, she might have needed some air but this was not the case. She knew from the sick feeling in her stomach that something happened to Lexa and just thinking about it made her want to breakdown, but she **couldn’t** \- she needed to find her.

 

Now that she was scouting the woods with a bunch of grounders following her, she could only expect the worse. Too much time had passed for her mind to be possibly put to rest, there was no time to think when the only person who made her feel safe was suddenly gone. She needed her more than ever, and it was her fault that Lexa was gone- **_hers_** and only hers.

 

Indra and Nyko had also accompanied her, which did make her feel slightly better. Indra seemed to have a passionate hatred for Clarke but she was also loyal to her commander and that meant she would do anything to find her. Nyko, who seemed to be considering what Clarke had told him also seemed determined to find her, which did ease her mind slightly.

 

Looking through the woods, Clarke realised how much she hung on to the hope of Lexa’s survival, she knew that Lexa was definitely a fighter but the dangers of a piece of land this massive was full of dangers, which even Lexa couldn’t handle. Not only where there mutant animals but tribes which occasionally also interfered with the grounders. Unless all these tribes join together to be once again recognized as a human race there would never be peace, war would prevail every time.

 

She had to stop thinking. She needed to stop _thinking_ about what happened to Lexa and start focusing on _how to find her._ There was no saying what could have happened to Lexa, or if anything did happen in the first place but one fact remained true- she needed to find her. She was not the only person who needed the commander in her life, all the grounders did. Without her, they would be lost- travelling to places with absolutely no direction. She was what held up the whole community of grounders, they followed her orders and abided by her rules. Clarke didn’t even dare to think what would happen if the grounders suddenly were left without a commander, notably because Clarke was chiefly responsible for her disappearance.

 

Her heart sunk when the other grounders told her that they had not spotted Lexa anywhere around the camp, and it sunk even further when she realised that Lexa had been gone since last night. Without any hesitation at all she informed Indra and along with some grounder soldiers they left to find their commander.

 

Except she was more than just a commander to her, she was the only thing that had been getting her through everything. If it wasn’t for Lexa, Clarke might as well have been dead by now. Lexa opened up to her, trusted her went completely out of her character just for Clarke, and all Clarke did was shut her out when she had promised that she wouldn’t. She was a hypocrite and more than that _she_ was heartless, not Lexa.

 

She knew that she owed everything to Lexa, even after her betrayal she still deserved more than what she got yesterday. She deserved someone who wouldn’t constantly shut her out just because Clarke was too scared to face what she felt. Now she was facing what she felt head on and there was no turning back, not for Clarke and not for Lexa.

 

The truth was that Clarke had been through a lot in the past few months but so did Lexa. Lexa had to step up and command 12 tribes, she had to rule them and push through all that she was going through and she did it all alone. That took true power, true _courage_ and all Clarke could do was blame Lexa for something she hadn’t really done. Clarke just like Lexa did what she had to do for her people and because she couldn’t face what she had done, she blamed it on the one person who was assertive enough to get what she needed.

 

Time and time again Lexa told Clarke that Clarke was in fact the strong one, but that was a lie. They both were broken, both weak. The world broke them and there was little the two could do about it, but together they could have picked up the pieces, they _could_ have- if Clarke didn’t so ignorantly push her away.

 

She heard a whistle behind her and looked back quickly, a grounder shook his head indicating that they found nothing. She closed her eyes and lowered her head, she couldn’t let this be the end. There was no way she could give up. “Keep moving.” She said firmly.

 

“We don’t take orders from you.” Indra growled.

 

“Yes, you take orders from Lexa but _she_ isn’t here, in fact she’s _nowhere_ , so I’m ‘ordering’ you to do what’s really in your best interest.” Clarke said roughly, having no patience to deal with Indra’s consistent aggravation.

 

“Whatever you did to make her-”

 

Clarke turned around, stopping Indra dead in her tracks. “So you _immediately_ assume that I did something? What the **hell** is your problem Indra? What matters is finding Lexa, you can do whatever the hell you want to me _after_ we find her. I care about finding Lexa, not picking a fight with you. So shut up and keep moving.”

 

Lexa shot her a deadly look but pushed past her and continued walking. Clarke sighed and resisted the urge to cry, there was no point in crying- crying would not bring Lexa back, _nothing_ would bring Lexa back but the sheer will to keep on looking for her. Clarke knew she would stop at nothing to find her, there was no way she was letting someone else slip through her fingers.

 

“Your worry is deeper than ours.” She heard Nyko’s deep voice say behind her.

 

Nyko caught up with her and walked beside her, “She couldn’t have gotten too far.”

“I know.” Clarke replied, “That’s the worrying part, if she couldn’t have gotten so far then where is she? Or really at this point… who took her?”

 

Then suddenly it dawned upon her, they were doing everything wrong. It was clear that if Lexa was nowhere to be found, then someone had her. There were absolutely no traces at all, which had to mean someone captured her. What the needed was to make noise, commotion – anything to strike up a reaction.

 

She clapped her hands before Nyko could reply she called out for everyone to surround her, without thinking twice she explained her theory. “It’s obvious at this point that Lexa had to be captured, I don’t know by what or who- but it’s the only logical explanation. We’ve been tracking the woods in silence but what we need to do is make as much noise as possible. That way whoever is hiding will be forced to come out, which would lead us to Lexa!”

 

She heard Indra scoff, “You think _this_ is a good plan? If someone did capture her, there is no way she can be returned. All the nations know of her importance, she will not be given up easily.”

 

“Do you have a better idea?” Clarke fiercely challenged her.

 

Indra moved closer to her, her brow furrowed an intense look of hatred swarming her face, “We wouldn’t be in this situation if you had not offended our Heda.”

 

She couldn’t object to that, for once Indra had a point and a good one at that. Clarke was the reason Lexa stormed out of the hut in rage, she had offender her- disregarded her feelings, and this was someone’s way of letting it her bite her in the ass.

 

“ _Yes._ This is **_my_** fault, you think I’m happy about that? You think I don’t feel guilty enough already?” Clarke found herself shouting, “She’s gone because of me and I feel horrible! Go ahead and rub it in my face, see how that’s going to help with finding Lexa!”

 

“Don’t raise your tone with me.” Indra said as she lifted her dagger to Clarke’s neck, clearly threatening her.

 

“ENOUGH!” A deep voice bellowed.

 

Nyko separated them both, “This is _not_ the time.” Suddenly his head turned back and in alarm he motioned for them to quickly hide behind the bushes.

 

“What the hell?” Clarke said loudly. Nyko immediately covered her mouth making sure there was no possible way for her to say anything.

 

“Someone’s here.” He whispered, he took his hand off of her mouth and allowed her to look.

 

She saw two men covered in heavy armour and fur, knowing immediately that they were from another nation. “They _have_ her, what the hell are we waiting for?”

 

He shook his head, “There isn’t nearly enough proof, we should wait it out.”

 

“We can’t do that!” She whispered loudly, and turned to Indra, “Forget that you hate me for now and convince him that we need to attack.”

 

She hesitantly nodded in Nyko’s direction and exhaled, “We need a plan- and quickly.”

 

Whilst they all hurriedly devised a plan, Clarke could barely remain concentrated. All she could think about was Lexa, if she was injured, in pain or even alive. She shuddered to even think about Lexa no longer inhabiting the world, she would rather have Lexa hate her then have Lexa be dead. There was no other option for Clarke – she _had to_ be alive.

 

Each grounder took their separate position around the men, knowing that they would lead them to whatever hide out they were staying in. It was especially risky, since they didn’t know that Lexa was there for sure, but Clarke didn’t care about that. She had hope that Lexa was there and most of all she had hope and faith that Lexa was still alive.

 

She got her gun out, ready to shoot and nodded at Indra who was now located at the bush opposite her. Indra nodded back and commanded the other grounders to get ready. “ _FRAG OP_!” The command was out, and without any further hesitation all the grounders including Clarke leapt onto the men.

 

“Wait!” Clarke shouted, “We can’t kill them, they need to show us where Lexa is.”

 

“There is no time for your useless mercy, sky girl!” Indra growled behind her.

 

“This isn’t me being _merciful_ Indra, this is me being logical. We need them to show us where Lexa is.” She growled right back. She turned her attention to one of the men who wore a very frightened expression- if he wasn’t one of the brutes who captured Lexa, she might have actually felt bad for him. “Where is Lexa?”

 

He remained silent, but Clarke was not in the mood to be kind. Grabbing them both by their furry collars she threw them on the ground in rage, “Remain silent and I will not hesitate to kill you and your tribe altogether.”

 

One of the men scoffed but instantly stopped when Indra kicked him down once again, Clarke slowly nodded at Indra, acknowledging what she had done.

 

She crouched down to the level of the man on the floor, “Maybe you’ve noticed that there hasn’t been any acid fog in a while and maybe you’ve noticed that the mountain men have disappeared.” This got both of their attention, “You have _me_ to thank for that. I _killed_ the mountain men, and I will not for one second hesitate to do the same to not only your tribe but your whole **_nation_**.” Her voice remained so calm that it seemed to chill the fear down to their spines.

 

One of the men jerked his head towards the back of a tree, once they went to check behind their tree they saw a pile of leaves which was covering a giant hole in the ground. She cursed herself for missing the most obvious of all traps. “Kill them.” She said coldly as she looked away from the grunts that came out from each dying man’s voice. Lexa was down there, and they contributed to her abduction, they deserved nothing but death in her mind. She no longer cared if it would haunt her later on, she was not the same person she was three months ago and she was sick of acting like she was.

 

She jumped down the hole and fell onto a damp surface, she winced as the pain travelled up her arm but forgot about it when she heard a scream. A scream so chilling that it stopped Clarke dead in her tracks. _Lexa._

 

Without any thought she ran towards the sound of the scream and found six men surrounding Lexa who was tied to a chair. She heard footsteps travel around her but walked forwards anyway, the men drew their weapons in her direction but Clarke no longer cared. She stared at Lexa who was bleeding; profusely. Her face was covered with blood- her own blood, and she seemed to be barely hanging on. She looked truly broken, as if she had given up. Her solid and rigid face was no longer apparent, her eyes no longer magnetic, she was not the Lexa that Clarke knew.

 

She felt the blood rush to her head and heard her heart pumping deep inside her ears. She was livid, at that point she could no longer focus on anything anymore. The rage had taken over her and any trail of logical thought had vanished from her mind. Just as she was about to lunge on to the men, Nyko grabbed her from her waist and hauled her back.

 

“ ** _Let go_**!” Clarke shouted as she desperately tried to wriggle away from Nyko’s firm grasp, she clawed at his skin but left no mark. The fire burning right through her only made the anger she felt worse, she was surrounded by people but only let herself focus on the men who had done this to her. She wanted them dead, no – she wanted them to _suffer_.

 

“We must be smart.” Nyko whispered into her ear.

 

She finally came to her senses and stood next to Nyko, who still had a firm grip on her. “No harm will come to any of you if you hand over our Heda.”

 

The men said nothing and only stared at Clarke, which Clarke took as a signal to speak. “In other words, release her or you’ll pay for it.”

 

They looked at her and laughed, for some reason finding it incredibly funny that a woman thought she could have so much power over them. Before she could even retaliate Indra threw a knife into one of the men’s right eyes and watched him collapse to the ground. The other five men in alarm moved closer to them and drew out their weapons.

 

One man tilted his head and smirked, “ _oso gonplei don jos stot au_ ”.

 

She looked at Nyko in confusion, he sighed, “They said that their fight has just begun.”

 

Indra swiftly drew out her sword and with one swift thrust stabbed one of them in the heart. Although the rest tried to fight back they had no chance, Indra was fast and merciless – she counter attacked them and blocked them whenever they hit back. They were strong and held up a good fight but they were also largely outnumbered. Clarke couldn’t care less about the men at that point and rushed to Lexa’s aid. She untied her hands and feet to the chair and attempted to carry her on her back, Nyko came to help her and carried her himself.

 

She tried to assess Lexa’s wounds but with the men dead and luckily no more around, they needed to leave immediately. Lexa was still breathing but she needed immediate medical attention, or her rescue would have been for nothing.

Lexa grunted and Clarke held her hand, trying to comfort her as much as possible, with her heart swelling up with relief that she was finally found. She felt her eyes water up and realised she was crying, she quickly wiped her eyes making sure that no one saw her cry, but whilst looking up at Lexa she saw that Lexa’s eyes were also tearing up.

 

Half an hour later they arrived back at the camp and immediately got Lexa onto the desk in her hut. Clarke along with Nyko worked on Lexa as much as they could. There were luckily no signs of internal bleeding, but her ribs were badly bruised along with her face. Her shoulder was dislocated and she screamed when Clarke set it back into place. It may not have seemed so but Lexa was luckily not injured as badly as she could have been.

 

Nyko left Lexa and Clarke alone, knowing somehow that they would definitely need that alone time. She helped Lexa get into the bed and tucked her inside, but stopped when Lexa grunted presumably telling Clarke to stop babying her.

 

“You need rest Lexa, and a lot it.” Clarke’s wavering voice croaked out.

 

Lexa only stared at Clarke, the same stare that she gave Clarke when she was thinking about something. Her stare broke when she saw the tears slowly fall down from Clarke’s face, “I’m sorry, Lexa-”

 

But Lexa wouldn’t have any of it, she shook her head and motioned for Clarke to join her in bed. Clarke carefully got in to the bed and was shocked when Lexa this time initiated the hug. It was a weak one, but a hug none the less.

 

Clarke breathed in Lexa’s scent and felt another tear drop down her cheek.

 

Lexa said nothing and eventually fell asleep lying close to Clarke. Clarke was incredibly tired but couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t shake out the feeling of losing Lexa from her head, and she especially couldn’t shake off how much it scared her. How much it _terrified_ her.

 

She watched Lexa whilst she slept and breathed in shakily, she noticed Lexa’s tight grip on Clarke’s arm and made sure not to move her arm as to not wake up Lexa. Seeing Lexa so fragile was not something Clarke was used to, and the more she started to see this different side of Lexa the more she was convinced that she was feeling something entirely different.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke feels pretty guilty - as usual

 

Once again, Clarke was not able to sleep. Every part of her body ached to rest but her mind was still wide awake, and would remain that way until Lexa woke up. There was absolutely no saying what would happen when she did, but she wasn’t worried about that. She didn’t really know _what_ she was worried about, but there was definitely something bugging her.

 

It was still dark outside, and there was no way she could get out of the bed when Lexa’s grip on her arm was so tight. She just had to wait it out until Lexa woke up, even if the wait was growing longer by the second. The cramped feeling in her chest started making it difficult for her to breathe and every time she thought about what had happened a couple of hours ago she felt as if she would empty the remaining contents of her stomach.

 

Her thoughts however always go the best out of her, she couldn’t escape them and she feared that she would never be able to. Once Clarke realised that Lexa was captured she became cold hearted and bitter, not caring _who_ she killed. The old Clarke would have spared their lives, would have made sure that no one harmed them, she would have _believed_ in redemption. Instead she killed them, right after she got what she needed she let them die for no other reason than following the order of their own commander.

 

She had become someone she could barely recognize anymore, the ideal image of what she would become vanished into thin air. The thought was so toxic that it left what seems to be a permanent stain in her mind, adding on to the dead bodies at Mount Weather.

 

The hut itself seemed darker than usual, as if mirroring Clarke’s dark thoughts. She felt engulfed by the darkness around her and even forget that Lexa was next to her, she had to face that she was once again alone, left with her never ending thoughts. Giving up was so much more easier than fighting it, what was the point in fighting someone that now seemed to tarnish who she really was, turning her into someone she never wanted to be.

 

Clarke felt like she lost everything but ceased to remember that she was the one who allowed it to be lost in the first place, she left her Camp; abandoned her people and didn’t even look back. She was the villain in this story, not Cage, not Lexa, _she was_.

 

Old pieces of her constantly reminded her that what she thought she had to do was not the right way of doing it, she could imagine Finn shaking his head in disappointment, having expected her to be far more civil.

 

_This isn’t you Clarke, this cannot **be** you. _

The tears that would normally have started to brim, remained hidden. She couldn’t even cry anymore, she could do absolutely **nothing** right. Breaking down in the middle of the night would do nothing to help her, but at least that way she could feel something; this way her feelings remained bottled up inside her and she was so tired of feeling so drained by herself.

 

She felt so trapped inside of herself, withholding every single emotion until she pushed everyone so far away from her that she herself would be dead inside. Maybe she already was, she had changed enough to know that whoever she was would not be returning. This was Clarke now, a broken piece of filth whose only talent was decimating everything around her. So far she had wreaked havoc on everyone and everything.

 

Running away was no longer an option, not when the one person who kept her grounded was in a dire state, especially since it was Clarke’s fault in the first place that Lexa was so brutally beaten up. Blaming herself was easier then blaming the men who were now dead. Even after they had done all that they had done to Lexa, she still felt as if they deserved some respect.

 

That, however is not how things go on in here. Clarke had to accept the fact that _this_ was their way of thought, what she couldn’t accept was that it was now becoming hers.

 

She felt the grip on her arm loosen and as Clarke looked down she saw Lexa staring back at her, wide awake. Clarke frowned, “Why are you up?”

 

“Why are _you_?” Lexa’s voice croaked.

 

Seeing as Clarke didn’t reply Lexa slowly pulled herself up to sit down, wincing as she did it. Clarke attempted to help her but her hand was swatted away by Lexa’s. Once she finally was in a semi upright position she cleared her throat.

 

They both stared into the distance in silence, not knowing what to say to each other, not knowing where to start. The desk opposite them sat idly before them and looking at it only made the tension grow between them, which is why Clarke finally spoke up. “Since we’re both up, I think its best we talk.”

 

She turned her face towards Lexa’s and forced herself to properly look at her, “I know that I only made things worse between us, and for that I’m sorry.”

 

“Sorry?” Lexa said adamantly, “You made us both promise to help each other and once presented with the idea of talking about something between us you immediately avoided the topic? What is a promise to you, Clarke?”

 

Clarke breathed in deeply, trying not to let the anxiety take over her. “I avoided the topic because it wasn’t the right time to talk about it.”

 

“Enlighten me then.” She replied sarcastically, “When was it to be the right time?”

 

“I don’t know.” Clarke deadpanned.

 

“There never _is_ going to be a right time!” Lexa exclaimed, “Don’t you see what the world is like? You have no time to feel anything when you’re fighting a constant war! That is what it takes to be a leader, a commander – whatever you call it.”

 

“So I’m supposed to act as if I have no feelings at all?” Clarke found herself raising her voice unwillingly, “You see the world for how it is and I see it as it should be. _That_ is why we act and think about things differently, and now I’m losing who I am all because of some decision I made to kill hundreds of people and I can’t forget it! I won’t!”

 

“You constantly repeat yourself over and over again, isn’t it _tiring_ Clarke? Hating yourself for doing something you know yourself you **had to** do?” Lexa retorted swiftly.

 

“Of course it’s tiring! You really think that if I could find a way out of this I wouldn’t take it? There _is_ no way out because it’s changed me Lexa! The old Clarke is gone, now I’m just her shadow; crumbled and only an echo of who I used to be.” She said as her voice broke towards the end.

 

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked quietly.

 

“I lost it when I found out you were captured by those men.” Clarke said.

 

She nodded in acknowledgement, “I know. I saw you.” She sighed, “Those men were from the ice nation, under strict orders to find me which due to my ignorance, they did.”

 

“That was my fault, Lexa.” Clarke replied apprehensively.

 

“Stop blaming yourself for everything, Clarke!” Lexa said in annoyance, “Your only fault was angering me.”

 

Clarke found herself snickering, unable to stop.

 

“What’s so funny?” Lexa demanded.

 

“Nothing, it’s just the way you say things.” Clare bit her lip in order to stop laughing, she had chosen the worst time to laugh.

 

Luckily Clarke witnessed a very small smile escape from Lexa’s lips, as much as Lexa tried to withhold it. “I don’t see why that would make you laugh.”

 

Clarke smirked, “You just say everything so…formally.”

 

“How is that funny?” Lexa replied in confusion.

 

Clarke shook her head nimbly, “Forget it.” The silence crept back in and they were left with the same question that stood before them, “I’m scared that I’m turning into someone no one will recognize, Lexa.” She found herself blurting it out.

 

“For being enraged and attempting to kill those men?” Lexa said softly, “If _you_ were the one captured Clarke, I would have done more than _attempt_ to kill them. You didn’t do something out of your character, you did something because someone…close to you was gravely injured. You were desperate, you are not turning into someone horrible. You’re just adapting to the world and how it works.”

 

“I would have killed them, if Nyko hadn’t pulled me back, I would have.” Clarke said as she looked away from Lexa.

 

She felt Lexa’s arm wrap around her shoulder, pulled her closer towards her. “They died anyway, they paid for what they did to me in blood. Blood will have blood.”

“ _Why_?” Clarke asked as her head rested on Lexa’s shoulder.

 

“Because that is the way our people act on what they believe. You may see it as violence but we see it as justice, we may see the world differently but one truth you cannot escape is that justice must be fulfilled, and _that_ is our fulfilment.” Lexa said firmly, “There is no other way.”

 

Clarke closed her eyes, “What if there is? What if you’re presented with a better way of dealing with injustice? Isn’t it just as wrong to kill someone when they have killed themselves?”

 

“There is _no_ other way.” Lexa re affirmed as she tensed up. “Pretending there is, is only false hope. Hope that will never be the solid truth.”

 

Clarke opened her eyes and wriggled out of Lexa’s weak embrace, “I don’t want to fight anymore, Lexa. I’m sick of fighting, I’m sick of thinking and I just need something to hang on to, because it feels like I’m losing my sanity.”

 

“You can hang on to _me_.” She adjusted her seat and glanced at Clarke.

 

Clarke stared at Lexa, “So you’re not mad?”

 

Lexa rolled her eyes, “No, I’m not. Now stop worrying and get some sleep, your incessant paranoia is getting in the way of my sleep too.”

 

She hugged Lexa but immediately stopped when Lexa grunted. Clarke covered her mouth in embarrassment, “I forgot about that, sorry.”

 

Lexa smirked and shook her head, “Go sleep.” She slowly got back into her resting position and fell asleep.

 

Once Clarke did the same, she felt herself feel lighter finally allowing her thoughts to be put to rest.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa finally get to have that talk.

Sitting on the carefully carved wooden chair, Clarke realised how much had changed in a matter of weeks. Sometimes she was able to brush away the feeling, but today she sat in awe at the amount of change she was accepting in her life.

 

Not only was she living with a nation that had betrayed hers, she was also slowly becoming accepted in their community, and with their acceptance she started to appreciate them more than she already had. Indra of course was an exception, she held a passionate dislike for Clarke deep in her heart for reasons still unknown, but apart from Indra many of the grounders seemed to appreciate her presence ever since the Ice Nation had captured and tortured Lexa.

 

Now that Lexa was safe and everything between them was better than ever, she felt slightly better and not as if a load of mass was standing on her chest. She felt somewhat, lighter and more liberated. She had not yet made peace with what she did, but was slowly getting there. Clarke discovered the less she over thought everything, the better.

 

Lexa, however was not feeling as peaceful. She was determined on breaking every rule set by Clarke and Nyko who both ordered Lexa to rest for the next week or two. Lexa saw this as an unnecessary precaution and did anything she could to get out of the hut and get on with her job as a commander. Naturally, Clarke understood her determination but wished that Lexa would stop being so stubborn and actually listen to her for once.

_Sounds like **someone** you know, doesn’t it?_

Clarke batted the thought away from her head, trying to escape the constant criticism from her own mind from time to time.

 

She heard the shuffling of bed sheets and saw Lexa getting up and putting on her gear. Clarke rolled her eyes and walked towards her, “What do you think you’re doing?”

 

“My duty.” Lexa said stoically, ignoring Clarke’s crossed arms.

 

“You need rest, Lexa.” Clarke saw that Lexa was about to grab her sword but quickly snatched it away from her, hiding it behind her back. Lexa stared at her sending shots of extreme annoyance from her end, “I know this must be difficult for you, but you’re still healing and if you don’t rest you’ll interrupt the healing process.”

 

Lexa scoffed, “I’ve had far worse injuries then these, if every one of us took the time to rest whenever we were injured we’d be dead by now.”

 

“Well, a lot of you _do_ actually die.” She shot back, determined to win over the argument.

 

Lexa ignored her comment and swiftly took back her sword from behind Lexa’s back, sliding inside her belt and adding her dagger to the lot. She cracked her neck and walked out of the hut. Clarke followed her and grabbed her from her shoulder, Lexa winced in pain and quickly turned around, her face riddled with anger.

 

Clarke stood in front of her defiantly, “Yeah, everyone reacts like that when someone grabs their shoulder.”

 

Lexa growled, “You do realise that I can have you killed for doing that, yes?”

 

She chuckled and shook her head in disbelief, “I’m sure you’d do that, Lexa.” Lexa rolled her eyes and huffed. “Your shoulder is dislocated, putting it back into place was painful enough, if it pops out again you’ll risk serious _permanent_ damage to that shoulder, then you can kiss your ‘duty’ goodbye.”

 

“I have important things to take care of! The Ice Nation are looking for me, which means we can possibly be under attack, not to mention we killed presumably some of their best men which will anger them further.” Lexa exclaimed as she crossed her arms.

 

Clarke sighed, “That doesn’t mean that you have to risk your own health, why can’t you call a meeting in your own hut?”

 

Lexa shook her head and rubbed her forehead, “I have to be there and plan it with the rest of our army, the hut isn’t big enough. I _need_ to do something about this.”

 

She noticed the concerned look that was written all over Lexa’s face and took what she said into consideration. Lexa did have a point, if the Ice Nation were looking for them this wasn’t just something political, it was personal too. The Ice Nation where the people who killed Costia, and that was definitely a big deal for Lexa. “Okay, how about we find a slight compromise?”

 

Lexa raised her eyebrow and remained silent. “What if I go get some of the most important generals in your Army, tell them to come to your hut and see if you can accomplish some kind of plan? That way you can rest and plan what to do at the same time, whilst your generals will pass word on what to do with the rest.”

 

Seeing as she had no other choice she sighed and nodded in defeat. Clarke jerked her head towards the hut and guided Lexa back to her bed.

 

Once all Lexa’s gear was off, Clarke decided to tend to her wounds. Lexa took of her top and lied face down on the bed, allowing Clarke to aid her. Besides her badly bruised ribs and dislocated shoulder, Lexa had deep gashes that needed close attention to, they had no antiseptic here and if she caught an infection it could prove to be deadly. Clarke stared at the deep slashes on Lexa’s back and traced her finger on the slowly scabbing lacerations.

 

Clarke dragged her eyes away from Lexa’s back and looked for the herbs that Nyko had taught her how to use. She mixed them with some water and grabbed a dry piece of clothing, soaking it in the mixture. She pulled the chair next to her desk and placed it next to the bed, so that she could have a clear outlook of what she was doing. She grabbed the cloth and dabbed it on Lexa’s gashes, Lexa’s back muscles tensed in pain but she herself remained silent.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Clarke said as she continued to dab the herbal remedy on to Lexa’s wounds.

 

“Sure.” Lexa said in a strained tone.

“What did they want to know?” Clarke asked hesitantly, “They were torturing you for a reason, what was that reason?”

 

Lexa remained silent for a while until she sighed, “I didn’t want to tell you before, because I was afraid it would worry you, but I don’t want to lie to you either.” Clarke’s felt a lump grow in her throat, “They know of the sky people’s presence here, and they wanted to know more about them. Due to our alliance they thought I could give them that information.”

 

“Did you?” Clarke blurted out.

 

“No.” Lexa said.

 

Clarke’s head jerked backwards, “ _How_?”

 

“It wasn’t the first time I was tortured.” Lexa deadpanned, and by her tone Clarke knew not to ask more on the subject. “They view your people as a threat, and they are under direct threat Clarke. Right now they have no leads but they will find their way to your people soon enough. _This_ is why it is so urgent.”

 

She nodded but her head was somewhere else. All she could think about was the safety of her people and how it was compromised. Once again, they were in the same boat; probably worse off now that they knew nothing of the possible attack. “I need to tell them Lexa!”

 

“We’ll find a way to warn them, Clarke.” Lexa replied, “We’ll discuss it today, I promise.”

 

Clarke shook her head in anger, “Why can’t there ever be peace over here? We just came out of one war and now we’re being pushed back into another one!”

 

“Peace is unattainable in a world like this, you’re going to need to get used to that. It’s one war to another, and significant losses follow in each one. The pain of all you must do and all of those you have lost during those wars will change you, as it…already has.” Lexa said softly, “We’ll make this right Clarke, just trust me- I know what I’m doing.”

 

The last time she trusted Lexa, she ended up betraying her. She did forgive her but Clarke didn’t know if it was going to be so easy to trust her.

 

As if Lexa herself heard Clarke’s thoughts, she turned over to look at Clarke and grabbed her hand. “I won’t betray your people Clarke, I _won’t_ betray you. Not again. _Please_ just trust that I will do right by you. I am _determined_ to.”

 

Clarke smiled and slowly nodded. One part of making peace whit what she did meant forgiving others for doing what they had to do too, which she already had done. However, in the last few weeks Lexa proved to be willing to change, and that meant something to Clarke. It meant that she really could trust her. “Okay.”

 

Once Clarke was done she gave Lexa back her top and looked away as she put it back on, when she looked back she saw Lexa smirking. Clarke narrowed her eyes, “What?”

 

“You seem shy.” Lexa said with the same smirk stapled to her face, “Is there something about my body that _amuses_ you?”

 

Clarke rolled her eyes and grunted, she grabbed the piece of clothing that she was using to treat Lexa’s wounds and threw it at her face. She heard Lexa laugh and Clarke tried to hide her own smile as she walked out of the hut to bring the generals. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Indra bump heads - a little too hard.

Although she had nowhere else to be, Clarke felt like it wasn’t exactly her place to be in the hut whilst Lexa and the others were discussing important matters. She might have been living with the grounders but she wasn’t one of them, although they were apart she was still part of the sky people and nothing could change that.

Whilst waiting idly outside the hut, trying her best not to eavesdrop she stared at the abundance of tents rooted deep into the ground. So many people lived in such a small area, leading her to believe that the grounders did really have some sort of family, maybe just like them they really were one big community of people just surviving. Their modes of survival were slightly different and crueller, but both seemed to the have the same goal.

Her people judged the grounders because of what they did to achieve that goal, but in reality they also had done terrible things to assure the survival of those who were more ‘important’. 300 people volunteered to die just so the rest of the people on the ark would have more oxygen available.

Living with the grounders showed her that what really made them different was that the sky people knew how to mask their crimes more, whilst the grounders did nothing to mask theirs. Clarke’s only intentions on earth were to find a way to survive and re unite with her people, and once that goal was partly achieved everything seemed to go from bad to worse.

Now that another threat came up to the surface, she ached to know what would happen to her people, how they could possibly avert the Ice Nation’s attack. For that, they would need the grounders help who knew far more about them then they did and that would be something her people would greatly object to. No matter how much they did object, Clarke would stop at nothing to assure the survival of her people, even if that meant her loss of sanity.

As she stared into the distance in total silence, she was so sucked into her own thoughts that it took her a couple of seconds to realise a guard was speaking to her. “Miss?”

She snapped out of her trance and blinked at the gruff guard standing above her, “Yes?” She asked wearily.

“Our Heda wishes to speak to you.” He replied.

Clarke nodded and followed him into the hut, whilst trying to stifle the laugh building up inside of her. Now that Lexa was her friend she forgot that Lexa was somewhat ‘royalty’ around the grounders, which meant that the formality had disappeared between the two of them,

Lexa was sitting upright in bed with a dozen people around her, one of which was Indra. “Sit down, Clarke.” Lexa patted the empty space next to her feet.

Clarke gently pushed through the generals and sat down next to her, she could almost feel Indra’s furious stare on the back of her neck. “After some discussion we have decided that any retaliation would not be wise.”

“So you’re just going to wait it out?” Clarke found her voice rising slowly, “What about my people? They have no clue that they could be under attack.”

“It’s best that they are not aware of that right now, they must be oblivious to the threat of the Ice nation.” She replied calmly.

Clarke crossed her arms, “There’s no way I’m agreeing to that.”

“You have no power here.” She heard Indra’s voice rattle behind her, “Your opinion is of no concern to us.”

“They’re _my_ people.” Clarke said as she viscously turned her head towards Indra, “Rightly so, I have no say in what you do with your people, but if I am aware of a possible threat to my people I will **_not_** sit back and wait. These are my people, and _I_ am responsible for what happens to them.”

Indra smirked, “Just like the incident in Tondc?”

Clarke felt the anger rise up through her body and she shot up, facing Indra head on.

“ _Hod op_!” Lexa’s voice resonated in both their ears. She felt a hand tug at hers and in obedience Clarke sat back down, trying to conserve her infuriating rage.

“We have no time for this useless quarrelling!” She exclaimed and turned her attention directly to Clarke, “I will make sure your people are safe, Clarke. I will be sending out Guards to monitor the situation close to your Camp.”

“We’re sending out our people to help _them_?” Indra retaliated, “They serve no purpose to our survival, let the sky girl worry about her people, they are _her_ responsibility **not** yours.”

Before Clarke could even utter one word, Lexa slammed her hand on the desk next to her. Everyone’s head including Clarke’s bobbed back in astonishment.” _I_ am your commander, Indra! You do what _I_ say! The sky people are of importance to us for several reasons, they are more versatile in their ways of healing. They _do_ serve a purpose.”

Indra contained herself and looked down to the floor in silence. The whole hut was now filled to the brim with an eerie silence that did nothing to absolve Clarke of her growing rage and paranoia. The guards monitoring the area was definitely something Lexa was going out of her way to do, but it still was not enough.

Finally, Lexa broke the silence. “From now on I want each of you to take your seconds with you to explore the forest, making sure that both our camp and the sky crew camp is secure. If there is a disturbance of any kind, you report back to us and be quiet about it. Chances are that they are only currently looking for information. Travel in two’s not in singles.”

Each general nodded and stood in silence. “You do _not_ go out of range, and be heavily armed when exploring the land. We may know this place well but so do the Ice Nation. We must remind ourselves we are not alone in this world.”

Once again they all nodded and remained still. “I’m still not comfortable with my people being totally oblivious to Ice Nation’s threat.” Clarke finally spoke up.

“It is only a _possible_ threat, Clarke. Nothing factual is known so far, all we can do is wait.” Clarke could tell that Lexa was trying her best to patient with her, and Clarke was not making it too easy right there.

“What if waiting isn’t an option?” Clarke’s paranoia began to furiously kick at her brain, leaving her thoughts to spill out of her mouth instantly, “What if waiting is what gets my people _killed_?”

“Then go back!” Indra once again spoke up, despite being told to stay quiet. “You have no place here, your presence here is absolutely unnecessary and unwelcome! You expect us to help your people and yet you are stuck here like a little helpless child waiting for someone else to help you!”

Clarke turned her head towards Indra and felt her heart race faster, the paranoia disappearing as quickly as it appeared, whilst the rage took its place deep inside her body once again. She had put up with Indra’s insulting criticism for so long that Clarke had to draw a line. That was it.

“What did you say?” Clarke’s voice was quiet but deadly.

Indra scoffed, “Your people may be of _some_ use to ours, but besides that you are useless. The lot of you! You are not well trained, you use guns as your only form of defence and base all your success on your emotions. You are weak, girl!”

Clarke stood up and curled her fists in turn, “Useless? _Really_ now? Is that so Indra? Do you recall what happened the night we attacked the mountain men?”

Indra remained silent but an intense look of hatred was staring right back at Clarke. She folded her arms and narrowed her eyes towards Clarke, trying to belittle her.

“Have you noticed any acid fog in the last three weeks?” Silence followed after that, “There are no reapers left, all your people who were suffering and being tortured underground by the mountain men are alive and well.” Her voice broke, her hands shaking with anger. “My people _stopped_ the acid fog, if it wasn’t for us your people would be dead! The reapers would still be swarming the place. You should be thankful Indra!”

She heard Lexa clear her throat but was not in any way stopping, “You constantly tell me that I am a coward, a useless little girl who knows nothing about leadership. You say I am weak because I base what I am on my emotions. Maybe you all think that about me, but what you **_ALL_** should keep in mind is what my people have done for you.” Her knuckles had turned white and were in pain from all the tension running through them, “Do you know what your people did for mine? _ABANDONED_ them. _You_ left them to _die_ in those cells, _you_ made a pact with the enemy. I don’t know about you but _that_ sounds like cowardice to me.”

“I had to finish the job. My original plan was to save the innocent people there, and there were in fact many innocents inhabited there. There were people who helped us escape, there were _children_.” She felt the tears begin to brim up in her eyes, “I had to make the decision to kill them all so that my people could live. I watched as the radiation ate up their skin, burning it instantly. I watched them suffer, all of them. _I did_.” She breathed in sharply, “You do not get to tell me that I am a coward. I saved my people!” She pointed her finger at her chest strongly, as the tears swiftly fell down her cheeks. “ _ME_! I HAVE TO _LIVE_ WITH THAT EVERYDAY, NOT YOU, NOT **ANY** OF YOU. **_ME_**!”

She felt a hand wrap around her neck and let herself be pulled into their embrace, “Gon yo we!” She heard Lexa’s voice bellow, and with a slight shuffle everyone left the hut. She clung on to Lexa tightly, determined not to let go. She couldn’t handle anyone else leaving, she needed someone with her and right then she didn’t care who it was. All the feelings she was trying so hard to keep tucked in, rushed out.

After a while of discreet sobbing Clarke let go of her tight grip on Lexa and took a couple of deep breaths in and out. “I’m sorry about that. I’ll go apologize.”

“Nonsense.” Lexa replied.

“You’re not mad?” Clarke asked in confusion.

“Why would I be mad?” Lexa said softly, whilst she made Clarke sit down on the chair next to the bed.

She sighed, “I was pushing it a little too far.”

Lexa shook her head as she sat back down on the bed, “You were acting like any responsible leader. Clarke, don’t let whatever someone else says pressure you, you’re doing the best that you can right now and that is what matters.”

Clarke scoffed, “Funnily enough, you would never have said that a month ago.”

“Maybe not, but I’m starting to see things far more clearly now.” Lexa ran her fingers through her hair, “There are many faults in the way we think, and what you said to Indra was right- brash and reckless but none the less right. She was wrong in calling you a coward, you are anything but that, Clarke.”

“I just don’t see what her problem is.” She let her head fall back onto the chair, “I know I’m not her favourite person, but there’s something else behind it.”

Lexa nodded, “I’ve known Indra for a very long time. She along with Anya and my father worked hard in training me. She’s hard headed and very distrustful of people in general, but she is also caring to the people close to her. She was completely out of line today, but I believe she sees how close you are to me and doesn’t want to witness me get hurt. She was there when Costia died, she witnessed the pain I was in after that. She was the closest thing I had to a friend and in a way she was more than that. At the time she was my rock, Clarke. I know to you she is cruel and unfair, but she is more than what she seems. This is her way of keeping me safe, she does not wish to see me in pain once again.”

Clarke’s head jerked back into realization as she let everything suddenly fall into place again. “So it’s something personal?”

She nodded once again, “I’ll tell her to apologize, but I just think you should know where she’s coming from.”

Clarke held her hand up in return, “No. I’ll go talk to her tomorrow.”

Lexa looked doubtful, “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“I’ll be civil.” Clarke smirked slightly.

“I hope so.” Lexa said as a glimmer of concern flashed across her face. “I’m proud of you Clarke.”

She looked at Lexa in bewilderment, “Why?”

“You stood up for yourself and for your people, regardless of what the others taught of you.” Lexa smiled, “You’re getting _better_.”

Clarke smiled back at Lexa as she felt her heart flutter.

Maybe she really was getting better.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke makes the decision to go to speak to Indra.

Ever since Lexa had told her about all that Indra had done for her, Clarke unwillingly began to feel slightly guilty for all that she had said to Indra. She didn’t feel what she had said was wrong, but maybe she should have seen that Indra was undoubtedly looking out for Lexa.

She wanted to tell Indra she had nothing to worry about, but she didn’t know if she really could promise her that. Clarke had hurt so many people in her life, and although Lexa hurt her too she in turn had made Lexa’s life more difficult. She wanted to put everything behind her so that she could get along with everyone, since she was seemingly getting better.

However, Indra’s character was far more complex and she was always guarded, sometimes verging on hostile and with Clarke’s growing guilt she felt Indra become even more intimidating. Lexa had been subtly telling Clarke to go speak to Indra all week, and the more she did the more Clarke felt like she had to.

So finally, she got up early in the morning and searched for Indra without telling Lexa, so that way she wouldn’t be followed somehow. She wasn’t entirely sure which tent belonged to Indra, so she had to silently check each one.

Close to the end of the camp she found a tent that seemed to be isolated from the rest. It was a moderately big tent and looked like it was empty. Knowing that her curiosity would have gotten the best of her either way she began to walk towards it. As she entered the tent in the blink of an eye she felt something creep up behind her and felt a sharp sting against her neck. She closed her eyes in pain but felt the painful pressure on her neck fade away.

She opened her eyes to see a furious Indra standing in front of her, a dagger enclosed in her hand laced with her blood. Clarke touched her neck and saw her fingers covered with blood.

“What where you doing?” Indra whispered in alarm, “I could easily have killed you!”

“Wouldn’t be something you’d have regretted though, right?” Clarke said jokingly, but quickly wiped the smirk off her face when she realised Indra was in no mood to make jokes. “Do you have something I could use to put pressure on my neck?”

Without a word she found a piece of clothing next to her bed and handed it over to Clarke whilst avoiding looking Clarke in the eye. Clarke dabbed it on her scratch as she let the sting die down. She put the clothing on the floor and walked over to Indra. Clarke’s eyes remained plastered on the ground as she attempted to apologize, “I came here to clear up things between us.”

“You came here because Lexa has been edging you to do so.” Indra replied whilst she narrowed her eyes on Clarke.

Clarke felt a lump form in her throat and cleared her throat, she looked at Indra and shook her head. “I came here out of my own will, Lexa doesn’t even know I’m here.” She bit her lip, “Lexa has been indirectly telling me to speak to you, but I made this decision by myself. I don’t need Lexa to tell me what to do.”

Indra exhaled and continued to look at Clarke, but remained silent. Clarke rolled her eyes at her reluctance to co-operate and decided to continue talking herself. “I have no regret for what I said to you last week, and I know that I may have humiliated you in front of the other generals but you were way out of line. You pushed it too far, Indra.” She sighed, “I don’t want to fight with you or anyone, and I’m tired of fighting. So, I’d really appreciate it if you could give me any idea as to why you seem to hate me?”

Indra looked to the other side of the room, avoiding Clarke’s gaze. “I do not trust you or your people. Our Alliance was a mistake.”

“I would believe that.” Clarke scoffed, “But you seemed to bond very well with Octavia so I can call you out on your bullshit Indra. Tell me what’s really going on. I’ll respect you more if you tell me the truth.”

“I _don’t_ need your respect.” Indra replied as she turned her head towards Clarke quickly.

Clarke looked upwards trying to remain patient, but it was getting harder and harder. “That is not the point! Just tell my why you don’t like me! Don’t lie, just be honest! What’s the point of all this animosity if I have no idea why it’s being directed at me?”

Indra stamped her foot on the ground, “You will be Lexa’s demise!” She shouted.

Clarke took a step back in alarm, “What?”

“Lexa cares for you.” Indra said quietly, “I have seen her take care of you, give up her time for you. She will continue to do this until you finally realise you don’t need her anymore and you leave her. You are not to be trusted.”

Clarke frowned, “Why do you assume I would do that? Do you even know me at all?”

“I know _enough_.” Indra replied, “Finn, was enough proof to see what you do to those you love. You hurt them, you _ruin_ them.”

“Isn’t that a rash accusation to make?” Clarke said furiously as the image of Finn stung in her mind, forcing her to once again be reminded of him.

Indra scoffed, “Just a week ago, our Heda was caught by the Ice Nation. She would never put herself in danger like that, you must have said something to upset her. You are **_poison_** , sky girl.”

She felt hurt by Indra’s accusation, especially since it hit her right where it hurt. Maybe Indra was right, she had been putting many people in compromising situations. Clarke realised she had nothing to say to Indra and decided to walk away, but heard Indra call her name.

“Clarke.” Indra’s voice strained behind her.

She turned around to face Indra. Clarke raised her eyebrow in Indra’s direction as Indra motioned for her to come closer. As she did Indra took a deep breath in and looked straight forwards. “I have known Lexa for all her life. I have watched her grow up and grow into someone I never foresaw she would become. In my life, never have I witnessed someone with such soul and compassion as Lexa.” Clarke frowned with the use of the word compassion, Indra saw this. “She may not show her compassion but Lexa is full of it, which is why she chooses to shut everyone out. Only, with you here that part of her starts to show again and it is risky. _Very_ risky.”

“Is it because of Costia?” Clarke asked Indra quietly.

Indra slowly nodded her head, “Costia impacted her life greatly.” She turned towards Clarke, “I have no need to explain this to you, but Lexa’s safety is what matters to me most. She is important to me, Clarke and you being here puts her in danger. That is why I do not trust you, why I resent you.” She spat the words out hastily as if no other word could replace what Clarke truly was.

“Lexa and I aren’t in a relationship Indra, we’re friends. _Just_ friends.” Clarke tried her best to sound convincing, not only to Indra but also to herself.

“Maybe to you, but Lexa harbours feelings for you. It is in fact quite obvious, I’m sure you yourself have noticed.” She replied whilst twiddling her thumbs.

She stared at the floor and felt the overwhelming urge to tell Indra what really was going on, she needed to talk to someone who knew Lexa well, and that was definitely Indra. She closed her eyes and couldn’t believe she was actually considering saying what she was really about to say, especially to someone who seemed to love to hate Clarke. “Yes, I’ve noticed.”

“Then why lead her on?” Indra hissed, “Why must you play with her feelings?”

“I’m not playing with her feelings!” Clarke exclaimed.

Indra shook her head in disbelief, “Do you not see the fact that Lexa has opened up so much to you, has given up parts of her duty for you, has even risked the _safety_ of her own people for you- do you not see how much you mean to her? You do not feel the same way and yet you remain here and toy with the feelings she tries so hard to hide away!”

“How do you know I don’t feel the same way?” She blurted out unknowingly.

Indra stared at her in confusion, she seemed startled. “Really?”

“What?” Clarke snapped, angry at herself for letting that important detail out.

“Do you really feel that way? For Lexa?” Her tone seemed different, less hostile this time.

Clarke closed her eyes once again and breathed in deeply, “I don’t know.”

“Figure it out.” Indra replied harshly.

Clarke huffed, and decided to tell Indra the rest since she already had gave away a massive detail about her feelings for Lexa. “We kissed. The same day we travelled to mount weather to defeat the mountain men. She kissed me and I kissed her back, and we both refuse to talk about it now.”

After a few moments of silence Clarke heard Indra chuckle lightly, she whipped her head towards Indra and stared at her in confusion. “Is this suddenly funny to you?”

“Extremely.” Indra replied, “You don’t talk about it and yet you are in very close proximity of each other almost all the time.”

Clarke sighed, “Nothing about this is funny. Nothing about it is even simple.”

Indra cleared her throat, “It never is simple.”

“I’m not going to hurt Lexa.” Clarke said all at once, and this time she meant it. “I know everyone around me gets hurt but I won’t let that happen to Lexa. I’ll make sure we’ll just remain friends.”

“That won’t work.” Indra deadpanned, “You two cannot be friends.”

“Says who?” Clarke said as she squinted at her.

“I do not trust you Clarke of the sky people.” Indra said as she ignored Clarke’s question, “Not until you prove to me that you are good for Lexa, until you prove to me that you will put her needs before yours as she does with you. Until you prove to me that you love her, I will cease to put my faith in you.”

“Why are you forcing me to be with her?” Clarke asked angrily.

“Because you either _are_ or you _aren’t!_ ” Indra snapped back, “No matter how many times you or Lexa convince yourselves that your feelings for each other are non-existent, or that Love is weakness, the truth will remain there. I know Lexa, and I know exactly what she is like, how she acts and what she is feeling. Make no mistake, if I find out that you have hurt her once again, I will make sure you pay for it.”

Without letting Clarke reply, she got up from her tent and walked out leaving Clarke alone with her thoughts and feelings.

Feelings that _weren’t_ going away anytime soon.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has something to tell Lexa, something she's been needing to say for a long time.

On the way back to Lexa’s hut, Clarke pondered on everything that Indra had told her earlier. Everything she said did make sense, but what didn’t fit was how _she_ felt about all of it. The way Indra spoke to her only reaffirmed that there would be no escaping how she felt for Lexa.

Did that mean that it was her time to go back to the camp?

Or did it mean something else entirely?

There was no denying that Clarke had feelings for Lexa; the kiss they shared was not just _any_ kiss. It was full of passion, yearning and comfort, but Clarke did not allow herself to go on knowing very well that they had a war to fight.

Clarke’s excuses were running dry and soon enough she knew that the only thing keeping her from falling right into Lexa’s arms was her massive fear of commitment. She had improved immensely in the last few weeks; she still felt terribly guilty for what happened at Mount Weather but the wavering depression and utter desolation had mostly disappeared. Yet still, she could no longer fully trust herself and was constantly insecure. A part of her was still broken, and she wasn’t sure if that part could be mended.

If she couldn’t trust herself, how could she possibly know that she wouldn’t end up hurting Lexa? Or how could she trust that Lexa wouldn’t hurt her? They had both hurt each other in the past, and although they had moved on from it, it would be unrealistic to believe that nothing would ever go wrong again. It was inevitable, just like the never ending unrest in the world they lived in.

Nonetheless, no matter how unfair and harsh Indra was about it- she was _right_. They couldn’t just be friends, and both Lexa and Clarke knew that. The tension between them had become so obvious that it became painful to even try over-look it. Both Clarke and Lexa knew that it had to stop, if they were to actually make something useful of the life they were given, then they needed to stop acting like children and actually face what they knew was evident, head on.

Clarke walked inside the hut to see Lexa putting her shoes on. Lexa turned around with a startled look on her face, “Where were you?” She almost demanded.

“I went to speak to Indra.” Clarke replied hastily.

Lexa seemed slightly amused, “How did that go?”

“It was…interesting.” She said as she sat down on the chair opposite the desk, wondering if it was a good idea to bring up what Indra told her now.

“Did she apologise?” Lexa asked somewhat curiously.

Clarke couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle, “No. I ended up apologising instead.”

“Didn’t you say you weren’t going to speak to her until she apologised to you?” She replied tentatively.

Clarke shrugged, “Initially yes, but I too have certain things to apologise for. Anyway, I don’t really think anything’s solved between us, but she did make a proposition…”

“That being?” She asked with a hint of irritation as she restlessly searched for her dagger.

“Us.” Clarke deadpanned.

“What?” Lexa said as she turned her head quickly towards Clarke, her face seemingly riddled with confusion.

Clarke sighed, knowing that there definitely was no turning back now. “Do you have somewhere important to be?”

Lexa shook her head as she retreated back to sitting down on the bed, opposite Clarke. Her eyes were fully attentive on Clarke’s and Lexa’s captivating stare made Clarke’s stomach overflow into a flurry of butterflies.

“Okay good, because I think it’s about time we talk about something we’ve been avoiding ever since I came here.” Clarke tried to control her breathing but it instantly became more and more rapid, making her almost lose her trail of thought.

Lexa remained silent but from the way she dragged her eyes to look away from Clarke, she knew what Clarke was talking about.

Clarke looked down at her hands to see that they were shaking, quickly she turned her hands into fists, hoping that the tremor would go away. She closed her eyes and tried to breathe in slowly, and as soon as she opened them she forced herself to look directly at Lexa. “Indra told me that the real reason she despised me is because she thought I was using you.”

“Using me?” Lexa questioned further.

Clarke took another deep breath, “Taking advantage of your feelings for me, which in turn made you make rash decisions.”

Lexa continued to look away at Clarke but was visibly shocked by the sudden change of tone. It hurt Clarke to see Lexa in pain, which she already was clearly in.

Just as Clarke was about to continue, Lexa put up her hand and looked straight at Clarke, her face emotionless yet her eyes anything but. “I know what you’re trying to tell me, Clarke. I don’t need you to remind me that you’re not ready to be in a relationship, I already told you I wish for there to be no such thing between us.”

“That’s not what I’m saying!” Clarke replied in frustration, “Indra is worried that I’m using you until I get back on my feet, to which I will leave you all by yourself and go back to my people.”

“Should I expect another outcome then?” Lexa replied coldly.

Clarke frowned and started to feel hopeless, this wasn’t going the way she wanted it to. “Nothing is true about that!”

“Really?” Lexa said as her face contorted into one of deep anger, “Then what exactly are you attempting to tell me?”

“I’m _attempting_ to explain the rest of my conversation with Indra, but _you_ keep interrupting me!” Clarke retorted, hating how much Lexa was able to get on her nerves.

Lexa shook her head in disbelief, but remained silent.

Clarke cleared her throat, “I’m trying to make this sound as simple as possible but **_nothing_** is simple about this. I’ve been avoiding having this conversation with you ever since I came here a couple of weeks ago but after my conversation with Indra today I realised that that isn’t an option anymore and it should never have _been_ an option.”

Lexa slowly looked at Clarke, yet this time with a more concerned look on her face, knowing that Clarke was right.

“I know that when we almost ended up talking about this, I disregarded it completely and upset you but this time I’m going to be honest and tell you everything I feel about this whole thing between us and you are going to _listen_ , okay?” She looked at Lexa urgently.

Lexa nodded slowly, preparing herself for what she was about to hear.

Clarke closed her eyes and tried to calm herself down.

_Stop over exaggerating, nothing about this is a big deal. Just get it over with._

Except this **was** a big deal. She had gotten so used to not having the time to deal with everything and now here she was, staring at her biggest fear right in the face. Now that she had no one to take care of she had to let herself feel everything that she tried to supress, and once she had done that, denying how much she cared about Lexa was no longer possible. As her heart beat sped up she knew that she had to say something before the silence became even more uncomfortable then it already was.

“When I first met you, I was immediately intimidated by your presence. Everything about you put me on edge: your stare, the emotionless look in your eyes which somehow drew me in anyway and most of all your will to do what you had to regardless of the consequences.” Clarke took a small pause to give Lexa some time to process everything she was saying, “Then something strange happened, almost instantly you didn’t feel so much as an outsider anymore and from then our relationship grew into something different. We disagreed on many things, for obvious reasons; we both lived two completely different lives and yet in so many ways we were so similar.”

Clarke chuckled, “And very often I could never really understand why you kept giving me advice that I never asked for.” She shot a look towards Lexa who allowed herself to smile for a couple of seconds. “Most of my people believed you were ruthless, a savage who needed to be tamed. To them you were not to be trusted, but to me you were someone _completely_ different. For some reason I had never trusted someone as quickly as you, I just knew that I could count on you. You even chose to tell me about Costia and I’m sure that wasn’t easy to tell someone you barely knew at the time.”

“The day before we attacked Mount Weather, you ordered your guards to execute Octavia – I was furious.” Clarke said quickly, trying not to make light of situations that were now only history. “I called you a liar, I called you out on everything that I knew you felt and I knew that you could easily have had me killed for it. Besides being angry because you threatened the life of one of my friends, I was also angry because I thought you did actually trust me, I felt as if I was lied to.”

_Not everyone. Not you._

Lexa’s soothing voice rung in Clarke’s ears as she remembered the chill that travelled down her spine when she had said that. “Which is why when you told me that you were no longer threatening Octavia, I was more than just grateful.”

“Then we kissed.” Clarke continued swiftly, trying to act like it wasn’t the highlight of her thoughts most of the time. “I pulled away because I believed that the only reason that I had reciprocated that kiss was because I was so grateful that you trusted me. In my own twisted mind I thought it was my way of saying thank you, and I couldn’t deal with the fact that in reality I did have feelings for you. _Strong_ feelings.”

She didn’t dare to look at Lexa directly, especially since her breathing was increasing rapidly and she didn’t know how long it would take for her to finish whatever she was trying to say. “When you betrayed me, I was convinced that I hated you. In fact I did everything in my power to try to hate you and yet you gained my trust almost just as easily once again.”

“You helped me up when I had no one else, even though I’m sure many were against it. Despite my ingratitude towards you at first, eventually I decided to give up on attempting to hate you _because I just couldn’t_.” Clarke took a deep breath in, “Indra might have been unfair and harsh about it, but she was right. I can’t escape what I know I feel, Lexa. Believe me I’ve tried, I tried to distance myself from you emotionally and yet either way I ended up giving in.”

She finally looked at Lexa whose eyes seemed to deeply concentrate on the ground below her. Clarke sighed, “I know this is a lot to take in, especially since we were both trying to avoid the tension between us but there’s a _reason_ there’s that tension!”

In the heat of the moment Clarke grabbed Lexa’s hand, forcing Lexa to look up at her. “Trust me, as much as I _love_ being your friend, there’s a big part of me that wants us to be more than that.” She took a deep breath, “And I know that you do too.”

“If you want nothing to do with me, I’ll leave.” Clarke croaked, “But if there’s a chance, _any_ chance that you want to make it work then _tell_ me and I’ll **stay**. I **_will_** stay.”

Lexa stared back at Clarke with a startled look on her face, apparently speechless. Clarke felt a deep pang in her stomach and exhaled roughly and let go of Lexa’s hand, “I get that this isn’t easy for you to process and I know it came out of nowhere but Indra made me realise that if I didn’t face this any sooner, I would end up hurting you and that’s the _last_ thing I want to do.” She sighed, “I’ll give you your time to think it over, but just know that I mean it when I say that I care about you. In all of this you’ve become the one solid thing in my life and I can’t forget that. I can’t forget _you_.”

Clarke got up from the chair and started to turn away, “But if you need some space, I’ll give you that.”

As Clarke exited the hut she felt her eyes beginning to water and felt the warmth of her tears caress her cheeks. Clarke immediately regretted ever telling Lexa, knowing that this would be her reaction. What if Indra was wrong? What if Lexa was in fact just as emotionless as she seemed? “Clarke!”

Alarmed, she quickly wiped her eyes and turned around to face Lexa whose face seemed to be riddled with confusion. She stared at Clarke and caught her breath as she caught up to her, “Clarke, listen I-”

“Heda!” A gruff voice bellowed from behind her.

Lexa rolled her eyes, “What?” She snapped.

He cleared his throat looking incredibly worried as he did so, “One of your generals was gravely injured by an outsider, and Nyko requires the assistance of the sky girl.”

“ _Who_ was injured?” Lexa asks quickly.

He looked away from Lexa but refused to reply.

“Answer me.” Lexa demanded.

He sighed, “Heda please-”

“Tell me- _now_!” Lexa shouted in frustration.

The guard shuffled in his position and exhaled.

_“Indra.”_


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Indra is gravely injured and with Clarke's own revelation exposed she struggles to find the right way to save her.

One word could stop anyone’s trail of thought. One name could turn your whole world upside down, no matter the circumstance. The only thing that creeps into your hollow mind when that name is uttered is pure and solid fear.

Not one second needed to pass to know that truthfully all the pressure was on Clarke. There was no time for thought, for speech or even for a quick glance towards Lexa. The only thing Clarke could focus on was the limb body that stood in front of her and with blood gushing out of their wounds she knew that even a slight mistake would mean death.

The panic that creeped into Clarke’s body was only increasing each time she realized how perilous the situation was. She had very little experience when dealing with stab wounds, especially multiple ones that could easily have caused internal damage. As she wiped her forehead she pondered on the thought of contacting her mother, but quickly rejected the idea seeing as she had no time to do even that.

She placed the palm of her hand lightly on their forehead and felt the heat radiate through her hand. Fever was not a good sign, and neither was the worried look that Nyko had stapled on to his face. Clarke shook her head in disbelief at the desperate situation she had gotten herself involved in.

Staring down at the woman beneath her she almost laughed at how the tables had turned, with Indra who seemed to never miss a chance to berate Clarke and call her weak and yet here she was, her life now in Clarke’s hands. “You’re going to have to pull through this Indra, you don’t get to call me a coward and die. Just _don’t_ die.” Clarke anxiously muttered under her breath.

“Nyko, I need you to cauterize the wound. Get something sharp, clean it thoroughly and heat it.” Nyko nodded and quickly went off to do what he was told. She saw Indra’s head move slowly to the side, her eyes focusing on Clarke fiercely. “Does someone have anything to knock her out?”

The faces around her stared blankly at her and Clarke rolled her eyes. “This is going to be painful for her, so I need some of you to hold her down, okay?” This did however get a response from them as they nodded.

Clarke quickly tried to steal a quick glance at Lexa who stood behind a crowd of people, distanced from reality completely. Her heart ached for Lexa and yet Clarke knew that thinking about how Lexa was feeling would distract her from the matter at hand, and so she shut any thoughts of Lexa out of her mind. 

Whilst putting pressure on her biggest wound, she inched closer to Indra. “When Nyko comes back, we need to disinfect the wounds and it won’t be pleasant. Hopefully, you’ll pass out half way through it.” Indra’s eyes although weak and not as intimidating as they used to be, changed into an expression of something that Clarke had never seen Indra show. _Terror._

“I know it’s scary but I’m going to need you to stay still, so I’ll have to have some people hold you down.” She grabbed Indra’s hand and squeezed it lightly, “I’ll do everything that I can.”

Indra closed her eyes and turned her head to the other side in dismay. Clarke sighed and tried to focus on her plan of action. She feared that there was something she was forgetting, something obvious that she had in fact seen before. Where was the fever coming from? It was highly unlikely that an infection has already set in, so what could actually be causing the fever?

Clarke called for someone to take over her position and checked Indra’s body for any bruising of a sort. She scanned the body thoroughly and found no signs of internal bleeding. Clarke felt relief flow through her whole body, knowing that all she had to do was disinfect the wounds.

Shortly after, Nyko returned with a sword that he had heated. He handed it over to Clarke and as she grabbed it she called for some of the grounders to hold Indra down whilst she placed the red hot sword inside Indra’s wounds. As she swiftly placed it inside, Indra’s whole body went rigid and she began to scream. Clarke winced at the sound and pulled the sword out to continue disinfecting the rest of her wounds.

Thankfully after a while, Indra did pass out which meant that Clarke could focus more carefully on what she was doing. “When my friend Jasper was hit with a sphere your people had placed some kind of green mush.”

Nyko shook his head, “Her wounds are disinfected, and there is no need for that.”

“Then go find some seaweed.” Clarke replied in frustration. As Nyko got up she shook her head, “Not you, tell one of the grounders to get it. I need you _here_.”

One of the grounders rushed to find a lake close by as Nyko sat back down next to Clarke. He frowned, “Is there something wrong?”

“I’ve seen wounds far worse than this Nyko. So have you. We disinfected the wounds and the seaweed tea will help her heal dramatically, but there’s something missing.” She points to Indra’s forehead, “Feel it, she has fever.”

Nyko walks over to feel Indra’s forehead and hesitantly nods in agreement. “If someone wanted to do real damage they just would have stabbed her in the heart and let it be done with. She has multiple stab wounds but none close to heart, they’re not idiots. If there aim was to kill her, why did they make sure they _didn’t_?”

He rubbed his forehead in deep thought but seemed to come up with nothing useful. “The situation is surely suspicious, but there are guards protecting the whole area. We are safe.”

“I’m not saying Indra is a distraction, I’m saying that if they made sure that they didn’t kill her when they stabbed her, there’s something else that _will_.” Clarke replied quietly, making sure that Lexa heard none of their conversation. “We’re both missing something obvious.”

Before Nyko could reply, Indra regained consciousness violently coughing. Nyko rushed to her aid supporting her back. Suddenly blood started to spill out of her mouth, coming out every painful gasp. In alarm, both Clarke and Nyko looked at each other. “Turn her on her side!” Clarke shouted as she ran to the other side of the bed Indra was laying on.

As blood continued to splutter out of Indra’s mouth, she began to draw attention to herself. Whilst the other grounders started to swarm up around Indra, Lexa pushed through the crowd determined to see what was going on. Clarke looked up to see Lexa staring at her furiously, “What’s wrong with her?”

“I don’t know.” Clarke replied blankly, trying to keep her attention solely on Indra.

“What do you _mean you don’t know_?” Lexa’s cold voice rung through Clarke’s ears.

“I need to concentrate, Lexa.” Clarke replied, trying her best to remain calm. “You questioning my every move is not helping me find out what really is wrong.”

Lexa remained silent but paced up and down the room, her mind in a completely different place. She was clearly broken and utterly detached from any real sense.

Clarke shook her head, “Does anyone know what happened to her? Who attacked her? Was it more than one person? I need _details_!” She asked urgently, knowing very well that Indra did not have much time if she remained like this. With no solid answer coming out of the grounders, she knew that she could only retrace her steps. “Nyko check for any signs of internal bleeding. We need to find out where the fever is coming from.”

She was running out of moves, and with Lexa breathing down her neck she knew that there was only a little amount of time left before she snapped. Nyko shook his head, “No signs of internal bleeding, none at all.”

_Shit. Then what else could be causing a high temperature and vomiting blood?_

Suddenly she felt the whole world stop moving, the beat of her heart quickly loudly ringing inside her ears. It only took one second to know how deadly the situation really was. “Everyone back away from Indra. _Now_.”

The grounders obeyed her and stepped away from Indra. “What are you _doing_ , Clarke?” Lexa’s voice shrieked into her ears, “She needs help!”

Clarke turned towards Lexa and grabbed her shoulders. “Listen, I know you’re worried. I _get it_ , but if you’re going to stay here you need to be quiet and let me work. Okay?”

Lexa’s facial expressions softened and she nodded as she took a step back leaving Clarke be, even though Clarke felt horrible for telling Lexa to indirectly back off. “Nyko, do you have the antidotes?”

“Why would you need the antidotes?” He replied in confusion.

“There’s only two ways this could go. Either Indra does have internal injuries dealt through the stabbing, or else she was poisoned with the dagger that was used to stab her. I could give her the antidote and it could work, or I could give her the antidote and it could _kill_ her.” She replied gravely.

Nyko nodded understanding the risky situation they were now stuck in. “We have to know the right antidote to give her.” He whispered.

She nodded, “Or we give her all of them.”

He was taken aback at her clear reply. “We have no way of knowing how that could affect her! It is _not_ a wise move!”

“Do _you_ have a better idea?” She challenged him.

He shook his head in defeat. He felt her forehead and closed his eyes briefly with worry, “She’s burning up. I’ll go fetch the antidotes.”

Clarke nodded, and turned her attention to the rest of the grounders. “Make sure your blood has no direct contact with hers, or whatever is killing her could be transferred to you. You can continue to accommodate her but until Nyko comes back do no attempt to touch her injuries.”

Once again she couldn’t help but notice Lexa’s defeat. It was as if all the life has been sucked out of her, as if all the fight within her had vanished. She had never really seen Lexa so vulnerable not even when she cried. This was something that Clarke had never witnessed and the fact that she was broke her heart in two.

She wanted to be able to comfort her but she knew that she could do that now. What she had to do was make sure that Indra made it through the night, or for that matter the next few hours. She sighed, and hoped that somehow she would be able to evade the inevitable grasp of death.

Nyko quickly returned with the antidotes, handing them over to Clarke. “Do you know what you are doing?” He asked cautiously.

“No.” She replied truthfully.

She did not bother to look at Nyko as she mixed all the antidotes together, the tension rising with each second passing by. She lifted Indra’s head up and opened her mouth so that she could swallow the mixture. Indra winced at the taste but was too weak to object.

“Now we wait.” Clarke said, trying to convince herself that she had not made the most foolish mistake she had ever made.

When the grounder had finally returned with the seaweed she quickly made the seaweed tea, hoping that it too would serve as an improvement in Indra’s declining health. Once again she lifted Indra’s head and made her swallow the tea. Afterwards she felt Indra’s forehead and felt a jolt of electricity rise through her.

“Nyko, come over here.” She whispered urgently.

He walked over quickly and looked down at Indra who seemed to be resting. “What is it?”

“Feel her forehead!” Clarke replied ecstatically.

As he did so, he smiled. “Her fever’s gone!”

Clarke nodded, “We should keep her under observation but one of the antidotes _had to_ work.”

“Except we don’t know which one.” He inquired. “If this recurs we won’t know how to treat it properly.”

“Then we make sure this _doesn’t_ happen again.” She replied darkly.

Nyko remained silent and looked at Indra. “Where will she spend the night?”

“At my hut.” She heard a firm voice resonate from behind her. “I will keep an eye on her.”

Clarke turned round to see Lexa behind her, her face unreadable.

He nodded and slowly lifted up Indra who seemed to be resting somewhat peacefully.

As they walked towards the hut, both Lexa and Clarke remained silent. The whole day had not only been intense, but incredibly draining. With Clarke opening up about her feelings and then having to suddenly save Indra’s life without any knowledge of Lexa’s stance with Clarke. She yearned to know what it was that Lexa was going to tell Clarke before they heard that Indra had been hurt, but she knew it wasn’t the right time to bring it up.

Whilst keeping watch of Indra, both Clarke and Lexa seemed to be locked on to the ground avoiding each other’s glances, unable to summon any type of conversation. Clarke watched as Lexa whose hard demeanour had now disappeared lurked over Indra’s weak body, she had a rough day – they both did, but something about honouring what Indra told her to do also seemed important. She needed to put Lexa first.

“Go get some sleep.” Clarke said quietly as she broke the eerie silence, “I’ll keep watch.”

“I’ll be fine.” Lexa replied stubbornly.

“No you **_won’t_**.” Clarke looked at Lexa, “You had a tough day today, and you deserve a rest. I’ll make sure Indra makes it through the night, which I _promise_ she will.”

Lexa sighed seeing no other reason to argue and resigned to her bed, blowing out the candle next to her. “Thank you, Clarke.”

“For what?” She said as she tried her best to keep the exhaustion from taking over her too.

“Loving me.” She replied softly as she turned her back away from both her and Indra, leaving Clarke once again wrapped up inside her own mind.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Indra recovering, Clarke has to spend a copious amount of time wondering what to do about Lexa - as to which things begin to escalate.

Clarke had no trouble staying awake to keep a close watch on Indra; Lexa’s last comment made sure of that. Naturally, she spent the whole night wondering what Lexa meant by what she had said and the more the thought about it the more confused she got.

When had she ever told Lexa that she loved her? She had never confessed such feelings for her, all she did was say that there definitely were romantic feelings but… love? _Love_? Was she even ready to use that word? That word held more promise than she was possibly comfortable with, after everything that had happened with Finn (her trusting him to find out he was actually with Raven the whole time which ultimately broke her heart) she wasn’t sure if she was ready to use that word.

Everything was always confusing with Lexa, she always gave off mixed signals and never a solid answer. The eerie mystery that never seemed to vanish with Lexa, no matter how much you had grown to know about her and the longing stares that Clarke could never understand. Everything about Lexa pissed Clarke off, and yet she found that all Lexa’s flaws only attracted her more to the person she really was.

The anticipation of not knowing Lexa’s feelings for her was eating her up inside, she knew that she was the one who took the decision to leave Lexa be but through the late hours in the night, Clarke began to deeply regret that decision. Being left alone to her thoughts only made her over analyse the situation more, which only could mean one thing for Clarke: worry.

She wished that Lexa would have said nothing before she went to sleep, at least that way Clarke wouldn’t have to wonder what to say to her next, but that wasn’t an option any more. Now that Lexa had thanked her for ‘loving’ her, the only thing Clarke could think about was what that could mean for her, for _them_.

Lexa gave no indication that she shared those same feelings, and Clarke began to worry that Indra might have been wrong. Maybe that kiss although initiated by Lexa, was just an action conjured up in the heat of the moment. She was still clearly haunted by Costia’s death, and her fondness of Clarke might only have been purely platonic and not in any way romantic.

How could you possibly tell with someone as incomprehensible as Lexa? She had trained herself to keep her emotions intact, to make sure that she was in no way an open book and that made it hard for anyone to ever really know what she was thinking or feeling. Lexa was and probably always will be a mystery. There was a part of that mystery that attracted Clarke, but there was also a part of that mystery that pissed off Clarke more than she could know.

She was tired of waiting for an answer, she was tired of confessing to things that in the end only frustrated her and she was far from just done with all of Lexa’s mixed signals and somewhat charming mystery. Clarke was tired of being treated as a game piece, unless Lexa felt the same way there was no real reason for her to be here. In fact, there was no real reason for her to be here in the first place. She had been told many times that her presence was unwelcome, and the only thing that kept her here was Lexa. Now that Lexa’s feelings were probably not going to be reciprocated, there was no point in sticking around in a displeasing atmosphere.

Clarke sighed, clearly exhausted. Calling yesterday ‘intense’ would be an understatement. She fought with Indra and ended up apologising herself, then went back to the hut and confessed that Clarke did indeed have feelings for Lexa, got no reply and then just as she was about to, she had to save Indra’s life. Let’s not forget Lexa’s broody ‘thank you for loving me’ comment, which really only aggravated her further. There was literally no way that Clarke could possibly have one day of peace, just one day of absolute knowing – not pondering. Of course not, there was no clarity with Lexa, none at all.

As Clarke looked out of the hut she saw the few speckles of sunlight coming out of the dark hunt, finally shedding some light in the ominous space she was placed in.

She rubbed her forehead and groaned inwardly, “If anyone actually lives up there, please save me from the increasing awkwardness that I’ll have to deal with when she wakes up.” Clarke grumbled silently.

“Only if I leave you two alone.” She heard a croaky voice reply, which took her by surprise seeing as she had gotten used to the deadly silence that had been surrounding them.

Clarke looked down to see Indra staring back at her. “How are you awake?”

“Unlike you, I do not need incessant coddling and rest to heal.” She replied as she slowly got up from her position, wincing slightly as she did so.

“I’ll take that insult as your way of telling me thank you, you’re _welcome_ by the way.” Clarke replied whilst rolling her eyes.

Indra sighed, “I _am_ grateful for what you did yesterday.”

“What a unique way of showing it.” Clarke replied bitterly as she stared longingly at Lexa who seemed so peaceful as she slept.

“Staring at her won’t do much for you.” Indra criticised quietly.

Clarke scoffed, “Neither will speaking.”

Indra frowned, and narrowed her eyes down to Clarke. “Meaning?”

Clarke turned her head to look straight at Indra, “Meaning that she doesn’t feel that way about me Indra. I told her how I felt and she remained expressionless. It didn’t in _any_ way phase her. You were wrong.”

“I am never wrong. Not about Lexa.” Indra replied defiantly.

“You **were** this time.” Clarke replied as she traced the wooden chair with her finger tips, “There’s no point in me being here.”

“Normally, I would agree with that.” She cleared her throat, “However Lexa does in some way need you. She might not understand what she wants, and why she wants it, but she knows what she needs and that sky girl, is you.”

“I’m sick of sticking around her ass like a little kid.” Clarke snapped, “I’m _not_ anyone’s toy, and I won’t be treated like one. I won’t wait around for her to realise that somehow she ‘wants’ me. She _doesn’t_ want me, and she’s made it very clear that she doesn’t need me.”

Indra shook her head, “In no way have you ever really implied that you have feelings for her. The kiss might have shed some light onto your feelings, but even a kiss can sometimes make things far more confusing rather than simple. Yesterday you told her all that you felt, and she had no time to process it. It is a lot to take in.”

“I know.” Clarke sighed, “She’s just so complex.”

Indra nodded with a slight smirk on her face, “She is. That, however is what makes her so interesting.”

Clarke nodded in agreement. “Have you given up on hating me?”

“Not _just_ as yet.” But this time Indra’s tone was lighter, as if she was subtly making a joke.

“What happened out there? Why were you attacked?” Clarke asked impulsively, letting her curiosity get the best of her.

Indra shrugged, “I do not remember. It was all sudden and the attacker hit me from the back, just as a _coward_ would. There implication remains unknown, although I do have a strong suspicion that it was the Ice Nation. Only they would know which poison to use, and only they would be so cunning to try spread it through the camp.”

“It could only be spread if your blood had direct contact with ours, which was not the case before we found out what was killing you.” Clarke replied, “Nothing about their attack makes any sense.”

“It does.” She said as she got up from the bed she was sitting on, clutching Clarke’s chair as she did so. “I was a warning. Their way of initiating a war.”

“Where are you going?” Clarke frowned as she watched Indra get up.

Indra smirked and leaned over towards Clarke, “You have an impending conversation with our Heda.”

Just as she said that Clarke turned around to see Lexa slowly wake up, to which Clarke cursed Indra’s quick and accurate exit.

She watched as Lexa slowly got up from her slumber; the way her long and flowing hair swayed to the side as she turned her face towards Clarke. Her eyes opening, leaving Clarke drawn into the field of green that she had once found so magnetic. There was no way that one look at someone could change exactly how she was feeling, but it was the case with Lexa and forever would be as long as she was around.

“Clarke?” Lexa asked warily. “Is something wrong?”

Immediately she snapped out of the daze she had got herself locked on to. “No I was just-”

“Staring?” She replied as she raised her eyebrow.

“Yes.” Clarke said as she tried her best to avoid Lexa’s gaze.

“Okay.” Was all that Lexa said before she got up and started to put on her armour.

Yet that was not at all ‘okay’ with Clarke, she couldn’t handle being avoided anymore. She needed to know where she stood with Lexa, or where she stood at all, for that matter. “ _No_.” Clarke said as she got up from her chair to furiously walk over to Lexa, “No, **not** okay. _None_ of this is okay.”

Lexa turned around her, clearly confused holding out her hands in front of her. “Clarke calm do-”

“No I will _not_ calm down!” Clarke snapped as she paced up and down the hut, “I told you how I felt yesterday, I gave you a whole speech about why I felt the way I did for you and after saving Indra’s life and waiting for your reply all I get is an ‘okay’? Is that your way of telling me that everything I told you had utterly no effect on you?”

Before Lexa could even reply, Clarke stood in front of her, her arms crossed. “I know that you need time to process everything I said but you left no indication whatsoever of a reply. Nothing, and yet you ‘thank me’ for ‘loving’ you? When did I ever tell you that I loved you? How did that word creep into some kind of appropriate way of thanking me for saving someone close to you? How does that make any of this ‘okay’?”

“Am I repulsive?” Clarke said as she began to feel irritated, “Is that why this all seems like a joke to you? Am _I_ the joke? Am I the clueless girl who follows your every move? Seeking comfort from someone who probably views me as a nuisance? A _burden_! Is **_that_** what I am to you? You didn’t even bother to thank me for saving Indra’s life! That was in no way easy! I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and yet you chose to thank me for ‘loving you’.”

Clarke suddenly felt the rising irritation burn her eyes, leaving her almost just as vulnerable as she really was. “I have feelings Lexa and just because you constantly act as if you don’t have them, it doesn’t mean you get to crush mine! My intention was to be alone, and yet you just had to butt in to my life and ‘help’ me. _Why_ did you do that? So that you could seem somehow ‘decent’ in everyone’s eyes? You should have just left me out there in the woods to die, because really it would be better than standing in front of the cold hearted bitch you’ve become.”

Both Clarke and Lexa’s breathing became heavier, and looking at Lexa’s deadly empty stare she knew that she had crossed the line. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

But Lexa did not want Clarke to speak. Clarke had spoken enough, in fact she had said enough for Lexa to have made up her mind. Words were unnecessary, everything _else_ was unnecessary at that moment.

In a flurry she threw her arms around Clarke’s neck and closed the unwanted distance between them, forcefully pressing her lips onto Clarke’s. Nothing about the course of electricity running through Clarke’s body made her want to part from Lexa. Now that she was this close to her, she felt as if she could never let go.

She felt herself melt into Lexa’s lips, wanting more and more as each second passed. She moved her lips over Lexa’s rhythmically clutching onto her sides as she did so. Her lips felt like warmth in the cold air that she was surrounded in. At that very moment there was no hut, no broody lighting, no worry about anything or anyone but just her and Lexa.

Lexa’s lips moved fiercely onto Clarke’s making use of every second they had together. She parted her lips from Clarke’s and pushed her onto the bed as she climbed up on top of her once again pressing her lips against Clarke’s. This time she kissed her slowly, passionately as if every second together would be their last.

Clarke stroked Lexa’s face as her lips remained locked onto Lexa’s, nothing and no one could describe what she was feelings, and nothing could describe _her_. The beautiful woman who stood so defiantly on top of her, was finally showing her some sense of emotion, showing her some _humanity_. Clarke didn’t want to stop, she didn’t want to leave – all she wanted for _weeks_ was to be close to Lexa and now that she finally was, there was absolutely nothing that could stop her from continuing exactly that.

Every time Lexa touched her it was as if she was marking her, making sure she was leaving every hot fiery piece of her on Clarke as if to say that **_she was hers_**. Lexa placed a couple of tender kisses around Clarke’s neck and returned to her lips as if leaving those unattended would mean death. She kissed her like every breath that they shared was heaven, and every passing second was hell.

The first time they kissed it was gentle, as if they were exploring each other, but this- _this_ was not like the first time, this was _different_. Each kiss was surrounded with an ounce of passion, and there was heat – _so much heat_. Clarke felt like both her and Lexa were one, that they finally had come out of the shell they seemed to be so stuck in and found each other.

That was what Lexa’s lips felt like – home. Home was not a place, but a **person** and acknowledging that changed Clarke’s perspective _completely_. She knew that every part of Lexa had suddenly become something precious that Clarke wished she would never have to let go of. It was at that moment that Clarke finally realized that she needed her, she needed Lexa. Not because she was smart or helpful, but because she was the one reason she kept hanging on. Lexa was the reason for her stability, Lexa was the reason for everything. Nothing and _no one_ else could replace that, replace **_her_**.

After what seemed like a long time, Lexa finally let go of Clarke’s lips. She rolled over onto the side and panted.

Clarke, (who was also panting) turned on her side to face Lexa with nothing but a wild grin stapled onto her face. Lexa who turned on her side to also face Clarke was not smiling, however she seemed to be deep in thought. Clarke softly placed her hand on Lexa’s cheek, stroking it. “Are you okay?” She asked quietly, wanting to keep the silence between them as much as possible.

Lexa exhaled and let a small smile escape. “’I don’t really know if I should use that word around you anymore.”

Clarke rolled her eyes playfully and pulled her tongue out at Lexa, “Don’t tease, you know I’m not too patient.”

“I do now.” She said as she raised her eyebrow, “Your face _literally_ turned red, it was slightly worrying but also irritating that you had so much nonsense to say.”

“I was rambling.” She sighed, “I didn’t mean to call you a cold hearted bitch. I was just really annoyed and I let it get to me.”

“There is no need for an apology, I think we are quite past that.” She smirked as she bit her lip, “I did mean to thank you for saving Indra’s life, but after everything you said and with the sudden attack I had no way of knowing what to tell you.” She huffed, “Even though Indra is fine, this attack means that we are most probably heading into a war.”

Clarke put her finger onto Lexa’s lips, silencing her. “Let’s not think about that for now. Can we just pretend that none of that is going on right now?”

“That would be foolish-”

“Then we’ll be foolish.” Clarke replied, “I’ve been waiting for this for far too long and I don’t want us to be worrying about something else right now. I don’t want to think, I just want _you_.”

This seemed to ease Lexa back into her calming aura, her gorgeous and incredibly magnetic eyes gazing at Clarke. “You are very beautiful.”

“You are very cheesy.” Clarke chuckled.

Lexa looked back at her in confusion, “Cheesy? What is cheesy?”

Clarke grinned and allowed herself to giggle at Lexa’s adorable innocent question. “Nothing. It’s not a word you’re accustomed to.”

“You are quite the mystery, princess.” She replied with the same adorably confused look on her face.

In return, she scoffed “Look who’s talking! You ‘thanked me’ for loving you and went to sleep. You literally left me wonder what the hell you meant by that for the whole night. _The whole night_.”

Lexa chuckled and grabbed Clarke’s hand, softly caressing it. “It’s fun winding you up.”

“Yeah, well we both can agree that kissing me is _much_ more fun, so if you want to continue to do that you’re going to need to stop pissing me off.” She replied playfully.

“Never.” Lexa said as she kissed Clarke’s forehead.

Clarke nestled into Lexa’s neck and allowed herself to finally sleep, knowing that with Lexa by her side no nightmares would come for her. Peacefully, she drifted into a beautiful slumber next to the one person who made her feel things she could no longer explain.

Finally, Clarke knew that it did not matter where she was. Anywhere could be her home as long as Lexa was with her. She was truthfully all that matted. What would _always_ matter.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is starting to feel guilty for her earlier actions.

Waking up next to Lexa was different this time. Her eyes were not as tightly shut as they used to be, her face altogether peaceful and her breathing so beautifully paced that Clarke could only wish to listen to it all day.

Lexa seemed less rigid and for once – relaxed. Even her clothing was slightly different; her shorts were baggy and gave way her to her muscular legs and with only a black top covering the rest of her body she looked more in touch with herself then ever. Witnessing Lexa so…pure was breath taking.

With everything that happened the night before, Clarke finally felt like things were beginning to make more sense. Finally, there was one thing that was solid in her life- and maybe it could stay that way; for a while at least.

Her mind was still riddled with guilt for what she had done only a month ago, and more so for abandoning her friends and family but there was nothing she could do about that. She was sick and tired of constantly thinking about the consequences of her decisions, she had been through enough terror to last her a life time. What she needed was stability, and there was no way she could achieve that back at Camp Jaha.

Clarke sighed as she tried to desperately distance herself from all thoughts of Mount Weather and focused on the sleeping Commander. Yet she was more like Lexa than ever today, it was as if the heartless Commander had vanished into thin air. _This_ was Lexa, and Clarke always wondered why she would ever try to hide that away.

“Is it in your people’s culture to stare at people as they awake?” Lexa’s eyes remained closed but her lips were indeed moving.

She felt the heat immediately rush up to warm her cheeks, giving them a hint of pink. “No, it isn’t.” Clarke bit her lip, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t.” Lexa said as her eyes were now open, giving all their attention to the blonde girl in front of her. “I must check on Indra.”

Clarke frowned, “Wait- you just woke up. Can’t you stay?”

“We spent the whole day here, yesterday.” Her lips curved into a tiny smirk, “I think a little check on Indra won’t kill you, will it?”

She rolled her eyes playfully and nodded, “Fine.” Clarke got up and arched her back, groaning as she did so – lying in bed for a whole day did not do good things for her back. “I’ll join you.”

One of Lexa’s eyebrows shot up, immediately questioning Clarke’s intentions. “Are you certain that you wish to do that?”

“I owe her some form of a thank you.” Clarke’s eyes gazed on Lexa’s, which immediately made her heart flutter.

“What for?”

Clarke shrugged, “I just do.”

Lexa did not further question her and got up to change into her usual clothing. For a couple of minutes silence followed, it was not an awkward type of silence but the silence that they both needed. Clarke still needed to process everything, and as much as she hated that she had to do that – it was necessary for her.

She had no idea what it meant for either of them, there was definitely more clarity – but not enough. Maybe the grounders did not see this as something that had to be discussed, maybe the way they thought about relationships on a whole were different.

“Let’s go.” Lexa didn’t wait for Clarke to snap out of her over loading thoughts and walked out of the hut. Clarke followed her and walked cautiously towards Indra’s hunt.

On their way there a little boy bumped into Lexa whilst he was running away from his little sister. He fell backwards on the hard ground and as he got up his tanned face turned red. He seemed speechless and ultimately terrified of Lexa’s reaction.

But Lexa’s face only softened as she lowered herself to his level, “Are you okay?”

He nodded and a look of relief washed over his face. “I am very sorry, Heda!”

“It’s fine.” She replied with a soft voice, “Just be more careful next time.”

He nodded once again but this time more vigorously, “Thank you!” He shuffled his feet and turned his eyes to Clarke. “Clarke kom skai kru?”

Clarke’s Trigedasleng was rusty but she did know a couple of sentences, and nodded in reply. His eyes widened and without any notice at all, he flung his arms around her, hugging her tightly. She looked at Lexa in alarm but she only seemed to be smiling at them both. She felt her arms wrap around the small boy and felt her heart swell up as he clung to her tightly.

He let go and he had a massive grin on her face, which only made Clarke smile more. “My big brother was taken by the mountain men! Heda says that you are the reason for his return! Thank you, Miss!”

Clarke found it hard to continue to smile now, but tried her best to. There was something in that sentence that triggered an overwhelming feeling of sadness; realising that maybe one of the kids at mount weather could have been saying the exact same thing. The air suddenly became denser and she felt as if she was suffocating, and with tears brimming she knew she had to walk away from the sweet little boy who seemed to believe she was a hero. If only he knew what she had done to achieve that title, would he still believe that of her?

Lexa noticed this and smiled politely in his direction, “You should go find your parents, they might be worried about you.”

He nodded in agreement and waved at them both, “Bye Heda! Bye Sky Princess!

She felt two hands put light pressure on her shoulders, “What’s wrong?”

Clarke wiped away her tears furiously, refusing to show Lexa that she had been crying. “Why did you tell them that I was the reason that your people escaped? You made the deal with Emmerson to let your people go, I didn’t do that.”

Lexa made Clarke turn towards her and she saw the softest expression Lexa had ever bothered to show, leaving herself completely vulnerable in front of Clarke, once again. “You were the reason they got to live, Clarke. Not me. _You_.”

“That’s not true.” Clarke’s voice was replaced with a small gasp of desperation, praying that she could escape the overwhelming guilt she was feeling.

“It is true.” Lexa grabbed one of her hands and squeezed it, “Please stop hating yourself for doing something you had to do.”

“I can’t escape it, Lexa.” Her voice grew more fragile by the second, “I can’t blame it on you anymore, _I_ killed them – not you. I only can hate _myself_.”

Lexa’s eyes dropped down to the floor, “Then hate me.” Her tone was filled with one of finality. “Hate _me_.”

“No.” Clarke’s answer was adamant, almost demanding.

“Why?” Lexa’s eyes narrows down to Clarke’s, making her feel smaller than she already was, “I left your people to die. I left _you_ to die.”

Clarke shook her head and sighed, “Didn’t we discuss this? Didn’t we put this behind us?”

“Things have changed since then.” Lexa replied, with a slight wobble towards the last word.

She knew Lexa was right, she knew that a betrayal like that would always place a wedge in between them, but Clarke didn’t want that. She didn’t want rage or resentment – she wanted peace. She wanted calamity. She wanted _her_. “Yes. They have.”

“So how can any form of a relationship work between us?” Lexa didn’t dare to sound as strong as she was pretending to be, there was no point anymore. “Clarke?”

“I don’t know.” It was true. She didn’t. She had no idea what she was doing.

Lexa seemed a bit defeated and looked away from Clarke, who seemed to only be making it worse. “This isn’t about you.”

“What?”

“It’s not about you, Lexa.” Clarke’s voice grew stronger at her sudden realization, “I don’t hate _you_ for what you did. I can’t.” Her eyes wavered slightly but she continued to look at Lexa, “I hate that some of them helped us. I hate that there were children, I hate that they were doing the exact same thing as us – surviving. I hate that I had no pure reason to kill them, I hate that _I_ had to make the decision. That is what I hate. Not you.”

She sighed, feeling much less stronger than she thought she was. “I don’t know how to forgive myself, Lexa. And until I do, I am of no use to my people. I am of no use to you, really.”

Lexa’s dismal expression was not one of pity, but one of understanding. “I have the blood of many innocent people on my hands, more than you know – more than you can count. I live with the weight of that every day, Clarke. I have lost more battles than you have, I have lost more lives than you have. Your people will continue to love you but mine won’t. I will die out, and so will my legacy.” She sighed, “You have the liberty to find yourself, and to make way to the person you were before. I don’t.”

Clarke felt a deep pang in her stomach at the truth of all that she had said. Clarke, in a way was privileged. Her people would take her back with open arms, but Lexa’s people would probably kill her for abandoning them. The grounders and the Arkers might have had similarities but they too, were different. Clarke did the only thing she could do, and hugged Lexa – aware that people were staring. “You deserve more than that.”

“I know.” And with those words Lexa clung onto Clarke tightly, as if Clarke was now the one person who could hold her up. Lexa was now trusting Clarke with more than just the weight of her feelings. She was trusting her with her heart. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa decide to have a certain...discussion.

“Impossible!” The words slithered through the air fiercely. “Impossible.” She muttered, repeating herself insistently.

“How else are we to defeat them?" Lexa’s voice seemed to hold back a certain frustration that Clarke knew was only building up throughout the day.

Indra paced around her tent, refusing to look at the both of them. “We have been on the verge of war with them many times, but why _now_? Why wage war after the fall of the mountain men?”

“I don’t _know_ , Indra.” She hissed each word outside of her tightly clenched jaw. “But I _do_ know that they indeed want a war, and I will not put the life of my people at risk! We have lost enough of our own.”

“We cannot afford another war Heda!” Indra’s words strained with urgency as she said them. “The people we retrieved from the mountain although healed, are in no way ready to witness another war, let alone _fight_ in one!”

Lexa shook her head in disbelief and let out a very slight sigh. After a couple of seconds of silence, Lexa took to staring at Clarke for an answer. “What do you believe we should do, Clarke?”

Clarke backed away from the both of them, holding up her hands in the process of doing so. “These aren’t my people. You only know what is best for them, not me.”

“I am only asking for your input.” She replied patiently.

Clarke sighed and felt the words bubble up in her throat. She hated being pulled into the middle of such a serious conversation, especially one which essentially had nothing to do with her. After the (yet another) intense conversation she had with Lexa before, there was no way she could utter her opinion.

Except, with everything remaining undiscussed between her and Lexa – she still knew that Lexa relied on Clarke very much.

“Indra’s right.” She couldn’t believe the words slipping out of her mouth, but they were and at that moment Clarke shared the same surprised expression as Indra. “There doesn’t seem to be any true motive. It requires much more thought.”

Lexa’s eyes remained on Clarke’s for a while until she breathed in heavily and nodded in agreement. “Fine.” She cleared her throat, “What do you propose we do?”

Clarke shrugged, “That’s for you to decide.”

“I _value_ your opinion, Clarke.” Lexa’s voice although calm, spoke to Clarke in a certain way that led a smile to creep up upon her lips.

Lexa’s cheekbones rose as she saw this and pursed her lips so that her smile (unlike Clarke’s) would not escape. The air grew scarce the longer they both remained staring at each other; causing Clarke’s chest to heave with emotion.

A sharp sound came from behind them, snapping both girls out of their illusory trance. “We can further discuss this matter tomorrow.” Indra walked passed through them, wearing a very visible smirk. “Nyko has insisted on checking on my wounds, I’ll be back later.”

She left her tent briskly, without looking back.

Clarke cleared her throat and chuckled awkwardly, “I should probably go help Nyko out with that.”

But Lexa was having none of that, not today. Her eyes were filled with what only could be described as an intense want, and as she walked closer towards her Clarke’s breathing became more and more erratic. A rush of adrenaline passed through her when she saw Lexa’s chest moving at the same rate Clarke’s was.

“Yes.” Her voice was a deadly silent, “You should.”

Both of them however, knew that Clarke wasn’t going anywhere.

It was Clarke, who lunged onto Lexa with such force that she almost toppled her over. Her lips moved onto Lexa’s quickly, heat briefly touching her cheeks making them instantly burn red. Her heartbeat was racing at a rate that was in no way normal.

Clarke was pushed up against the bookshelf behind her, kisses trailing down her neck and up again inevitably causing her to moan. Lexa seemed to take pride in this when a very silent chuckle escaped her throat.

She felt the urge to rip her clothes off grow to be uncontrollable, her mind beginning to fill up with thoughts of her hands eagerly roaming around Lexa’s body. She wanted to feel Lexa beneath her so desperately that even just the thought send a jolt of electricity through her.

“Stop.” Clarke’s voice wavered as she pulled away from Lexa’s magnetic lips. “We can’t do this here.”

“Why not?” Lexa panted unevenly.

“It’s Indra’s tent.”

Lexa’s eyebrow raised at her reply, “Why do you think she left?”

She was not given enough time to reply as her lips were once again pressed up onto Lexa’s, in such a way that made it harder for Clarke to pull away. “Is this what we do now? Just make out and not talk about it?”

Lexa frowned, “Make out? I do not recognize such a word.”

She couldn’t stop herself from giggling as she said this. “I mean – do you just want us to keep kissing and avoid the conversation that follows?”

“It is no longer a question of conversing.” Lexa leaned in close to Clarke’s ears, “It is what you want, and that remains unknown.”

“That makes no sense, Lexa.” Clarke said whilst battling the urge to connect their lips and stop any form of speech. “I already told you how I felt – dramatically.”

But Lexa’s did not seem to be referring to that. “I believe we both know the feeling is mutual.” Her green eyes were radiating such a strong sense of anticipation that it made Clarke weak in the knees. “The real question is far more…intimate.”

Clarke’s eyes widened with the realisation of exactly what Lexa was referring to. “Oh.” Was all that could escape from her swollen lips before a chill ran all the way down to the space between her legs. Now she definitely didn’t want to talk.

“I don’t mean _here_ , Clarke.” Lexa replied with a tone of hilarity. “I want your consent.”

“You want my consent? Consent for us to-”

“Yes.” Lexa said quickly, her eyes darting around Clarke incessantly.

“Uhm.” Clarke’s cheeks were once again turned crimson by the very conversation they were involved in. “This is awkward.”

“Why so?” Lexa frowned for the umpteenth time that day, “Are you uncomfortable talking about such things?

“No, it’s just-”

“Then why is it so hard for us to have such a conversation? I’m quite sure you’re familiar with such acts.” Lexa said expectantly.

“Excuse me?” Clarke shot out, “What is that supposed to me?”

“I assume you are aware of what sexual intercourse is, yes?” Lexa asked as her as if she was a little child.

“Of course I do.” Clarke felt embarrassed for getting so strung up by such a question, and wanted so badly for the thoughts in her head to go quiet.

“Okay.” Lexa smirked lightly, “Do your people always get so flustered when the topic of intimacy props up?”

“ **No** , you just took me by surprise.”

“I see.” Lexa’s blessed eyebrow once again shot up, “So, do I have your consent?”

“Yes.” Clarke blurted out, “Absolutely. Definitely. I have no problem with that, at all. Really.”

“Okay.” Lexa repeated with a slight chuckle, “Good to know.”

Clarke desperately needed to leave before her cheeks began to overheat with all the constant blushing she had to endure. She closed her eyes and sighed, shaking her head as she did so. “You are such a dork.” She muttered under her breath.

“I have to discuss some matters with Indra and the rest of the council.” Her fingers entwined around a small piece of Clarke’s hair. “Meet me at my room later on today.”

Before leaving she placed a tender kiss on Clarke’s cheek, “I quite like it when you blush.” She whispered it ever so softly in her ear, and then left Clarke alone without another word.

And with such a comment, Clarke found herself once again – blushing.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa has a dinner prepared for Clarke, and with the nerves and anxiety of what Lexa plans to happen - things get much more intense in meaning.

It was with the anticipation of what Lexa was planning later on that evening that kept Clarke highly active. She made sure that every second was occupied with something that had to be done; whether it was help Nyko out with the patients or tidy up Lexa’s hut. She didn’t want to spare one second for the thought of what truly made her stomach burst into a flurry of butterflies.

Clarke knew by now that Lexa was anything but simple, she knew very well that she was complex and it made Clarke all the more interested. Still, it seemed as if Lexa didn’t need any type of confirmation of what was going on between them. Maybe not everything needed clarification, maybe it was good that the lines were somewhat blurred between friendship and the hint at a relationship.

Maybe she just needed to stop thinking so much.

So she did what she always did when her mind was cluttered with her racing thoughts, she painted. She let her visual images come alive onto paper and pencil, adding colour to each pattern she drew. It wasn’t difficult to decipher what she was drawing, she had only ever drawn it before she came to earth and now that she was actually here standing on the ground, she could actually capture it in an image more realistic.

It was her home that she was drawing. Her people’s home, the place she came from. It was now fully engrained inside her mind, destined to stay with her for as long as she lived.

She could never forget it. She would never forget the glorious moment from where she stepped out of the drop ship to breathe in the fresh air that the earth had to offer. The light cool breeze and the sun that shone directly on her face, it was liberating and no cluster of adjectives could explain it. Not for one second.

The trees filled up the ground with their entirety and it was no longer believable that a world like this existed beneath them. It could not be believable that the people who lived here before her took this for granted every single day. It was her dream to come down here, and here she was living in her dream.

Now she wished that she could share it with her father. She wished that she could have seen his face light up when he felt every element of the earth under his fingertips, and she wished more than anything that she could have had him by her side when she pulled the lever. But none of this was possible, he was in space and would never be grounded.

It was the pain of just that memory that made Clarke grip onto her paintbrush tightly. She needed the memory to remain undistorted. She needed it to be the only memory that could still could make a genuine smile creep up onto her face.

It would never be finished. The canvas was full of colour and vibrant shades of different blue’s and green’s she spent ages mixing and it definitely sprung out in the dark but it would still never be finished. What she was feeling was infinite and that could not be displayed on canvas with paint. It could not be displayed with emotion or sentiment, and not even the most beautiful words could capture the feeling of what she knew to be so right. It was infinite and unexplainable.

Clark sighed and rubbed her aching hand as she placed the canvas down on the desk in front of her. Her hands were covered with all types of colours and she laughed to herself as she remembered her younger self experimenting with her paints. She had no room for the nostalgia that she was feeling but she felt it anyway, because she had now learnt to embrace every emotion – even the ones that made her heart shred.

She decided that a nice calm bath would be a good idea. She found a small bag that had some clothes that Lexa had placed for her earlier that day and grabbed them, taking them to the room that was the grounder equivalent to a bathroom. Clarke knew how to make her own bath now and as she waited for the hot coals to heat up the water she stripped off her clothing slowly, dumping them at the side of the tub.

Before getting into the tub she checked that she was perfectly hidden, avoiding an awkward run in with Lexa (hadn’t she had enough of those by now?). A curtain was draped over the room, and she even made sure to write a small note on a piece of paper to inform anyone entering that there was someone inside. (She wasn’t going to be taking any chances.)

She grabbed the hot coals from the tub and quickly placed them to the side, finally letting herself dip into the soothing water.

Clarke moaned inwardly as she tucked into the water, letting it cleanse her of all the filth of yesterday. She closed her eyes and hummed discreetly, knowing that these little moments of serenity were not as frequent as they should be for any of them.

She rubbed her hands around her legs and felt the prickly hairs rub against her palm. She shrugged, realising there were more important things then shaving bodily hair. It made her wonder for a couple of minutes, what the grounders did about such things here – it was quite possible that it was not a necessity to shave here and might even have been absurd.

Next to the tub were two bottles, she had learnt that they had used something similar to shampoo and shower gel but had never heard of Conditioner, which was why her hair was much dryer then usual nowadays. She massaged the shampoo into her scalp and sighed as she felt her hair cleanse itself.

After rinsing her hair and washing her body, she reluctantly got out of the tub and dried herself off. Her clothes were neatly spread out on the chair located next to the door. She inwardly approved of her choice of clothing, determined to dress up a little since Lexa told her to ‘meet her in her room’.

She had chosen something that quite resembled a black corset, and as she put it on she noticed that it clung onto her body tightly, pushing her breasts upwards. Clarke felt exposed as she looked at herself in the mirror and she felt uncomfortable wearing something that showed so much skin. A voice in her head however, said that Lexa would like it and Clarke visibly blushed at the thought.

She also found black pants made out of leather that hugged her figure, they went well together and for once in what seemed like ages – she felt pretty. Her hair was almost dry now and all that was left was for her to put on some makeup.

Their makeup was far more different than the ones they had used on the Ark, but she had gotten used to it by now. It was a mixture of herbs that they had gathered from the forest but they worked well around her eyes. She had to learn how to use a paintbrush to use it but she was after all an artist, it shouldn’t have been too difficult to get used to.

Grabbing her old clothes she opened the door and walked into the main room. She dumped her clothes into a small bag that Lexa kept for dirty laundry. She paced around the room for a couple of seconds until she heard someone clear their throat behind her.

She turned around to see Lexa standing behind her, observing her. Clarke let out a light gasp as she saw Lexa wearing less formal clothing than she usually wore. She was wearing something that resembled a tank top and pants that hugged her muscular thighs. Around her neck was a beautiful blue pendant that Clarke had never seen her wear.

Her war paint was not on, but like Clarke she was wearing makeup. Her eyes shone out in the dark, their green connecting with her blue.

It took Clarke a couple of seconds to say anything as she absorbed the sight of Lexa. Seeing her so liberal made her mouth feel dry and her breath hitch, and Lexa seemed to notice this when the corners of her mouth curved into a smug smile.

“Clarke.” She said simply as her eyed wavered around Clarke’s chest.

“Lexa.” Clarke mirrored as she tried her best not to stare at Lexa. “You look beautiful.”

Lexa’s eyes found their way off of her (barely covered) breasts and up to her face. “As do you, Clarke.” She walked in front of her and signalled for her to follow her, “Come with me.”

Clarke was quick to follow her through the winding paths lit by the candles. No one seemed to be outside and when they arrived in another hut, completely lit up with candles of different shapes and sizes she knew that Lexa did not truly have a meeting with the council earlier.

In the middle of the hut was a round table, two chairs on each side. One candle stood in between them and two plates that were already neatly laid out in front of them with food. Clarke took a seat opposite Lexa who was visibly grinning at the prospect of finally being able to do something nice for the two of them.

Clarke nods in appreciation of the scenery and chuckles silently.

Lexa looks up and squints in her direction. “Why are you laughing, Clarke?”

“No reason.” She replies lightly, “I just never took you to be such a romantic.”

“Well there are many things you have yet to learn about me Clarke.” Lexa gestures towards her cutlery, “I had my best chef cook up something special. Please.” She encourages her to eat and so Clarke grabs what seems to resemble a fork and a knife and cuts through the meat.

She places it in her mouth and lets the meat burst into various flavours. Clarke does not hide her groan of satisfaction and finds Lexa positively beaming with delight. “What is it?” Clarke asks out of curiosity.

“Wild Boar.” Lexa replies after swallowing what was in her mouth.

Clarke winces and wishes that she never asked in the first place, still she kept on eating the undeniably delicious meat.

Most of the food was eaten in silence, with only the subtle sounds of chewing to be heard. Sometimes Clarke would catch Lexa staring at her and she would smile because having Lexa’s eyes on her (besides making her skin flush) meant that she was doing something right.

After their food was finished there was finally room for conversation, and with the impish look on Lexa’s face – Clarke knew it would be an interesting one.

“Thank you Lexa.” Clarke said truthfully as she wiped her mouth with a napkin.

“My pleasure.” Lexa’s tongue lulls around the word pleasure and it easily sends a wave of chills in Clarke’s direction. “Do your people do such things?”

“I guess.” Clarke raises her eyebrow, “Some people just skip to the sex.”

Clarke easily catches the hitch in Lexa’s breath and she smirks inwardly. “That isn’t why I got you out here, Clarke.”

“Isn’t it?” Clarke challenged. “I thought that’s what you were implying earlier.”

Lexa narrows her eyes down to Clarke but smirks nonetheless. “You were quite taken aback by what I was implying.”

“You caught me in a compromising position.” She can’t help but feel the heat grow between her thighs. “With you.”

Lexa chuckles, “You kissed me first, I recall.”

“I know.” Clarke eyes Lexa carefully and finds herself questioning how Lexa could pull off looking absolutely flawless. It made the tension between her legs grow and the heart rate in her chest increase. It seemed it was only Lexa who could make her feel such things in such little time. “I like kissing you.”

Lexa’s smirk does not fade away as she licks her lips. Clarke’s eyes follow her tongue and she sees that all she can really look at are her lips and all she can think about is how much she wants them crushed up against hers.

Clarke’s eyes find themselves on the same level as Lexa’s and as usual she is lost in the field of green that are Lexa’s eyes. She wants to paint them and capture every colour in its entirety, she wants to pain her and capture everything that she makes her feel. She wants to do more than just paint her.

The silence that follows them is anything but awkward. Their eyes wander around each other, exploring each body part carefully. Clarke can see the want in Lexa’s eyes and she knows that it matches her own. “For someone so conservative Lexa, you’re not doing a good job at hiding what you’re thinking.”

She watches as Lexa’s cheeks burn red in the bright light of the candle and Clarke mentally applauds herself for managing to make her do so. “Neither are you, Clarke.”

“Fair enough.” Clarke agrees as she moves out of her chair. Lexa’s eyes follow her in confusion but her head jerks back when Clarke moves to sit down on her lap, legs wrapping around her waist.

Her pupils dilate and Clarke smirks at Lexa’s surprised face. Lexa had fun teasing her earlier, and now Clarke was getting her well-deserved revenge.

“Clarke…” Lexa’s voice could barely croak out her name, trying to give her a warning but Clarke shook her head and shut her up with a chaste kiss.

Clarke’s lips trailed to Lexa’s neck and as she kissed her pulse point she felt Lexa’s breath hitch once again. Clarke was slightly amazed at her effect on Lexa, and ached to explore more of what she could make Lexa do.

It was the cumulative effect of all the longing looks and stares that she shared with Lexa that made her want Lexa as she did now, it riled up some kind of animal instinct that was not going away any time soon. She wanted to kiss Lexa for hours on end, she wanted to find out what Lexa was like when she wasn’t so controlled, she wanted to see Lexa wild and completely out of control. She wanted to be the one who could totally unhinge her.

She sucked on Lexa’s tender skin and had every intention of branding herself onto her neck. Lexa tried to muffle her moan but Clarke could feel it riling up inside of her, so she bit harder determined to free Lexa of her moan.

And it worked.

Clarke smirked in satisfaction and brought her face back up to Lexa’s which was heavily flushed by now. She was looking up at her and Clarke could tell she was completely lost in her essence.

Now, it was no secret that both of them wanted more.

Clarke dipped her head down to kiss Lexa again, her tongue instantly slipping into Lexa’s mouth – no hesitation whatsoever. With wet kisses and hot skin wrapping around each other it was only natural for their hands to start to wander.

It was only until Clarke’s hands attempted to take off Lexa’s top that Lexa pulled back. Her eyebrows were raised upwards in worry and she was breathing heavily.

Clarke immediately understood what message Lexa was trying to convey. She was telling her that she wanted this to be more than a lust filled fantasy. That she wanted more than hot sticky passion, she wanted it to mean something, because _she_ meant something.

And it was Clarke who wanted the same. She pressed her forehead against Lexa’s in response, assuring her that their intentions were the same. Lexa had grown to mean more to Clarke then she ever thought she would, and now that she had the chance to be close to her – _so_ close to her, she needed it to be right.

So she moved slower this time, kissing her jaw line and kissing her neck. Clarke kissed Lexa everywhere she could and every time she moved her lips onto hers she made sure that she felt every single movement. With hands on her hips squeezing tighter and tighter the desperation between the two only grew stronger.

They were gasping for air, panting and breathing each other in.

In one swift motion Lexa picked herself and Clarke up as she got off the chair. She turned Clarke around and kissed the back of her neck, her fingers weaving through the corset and leaving it fall to the floor. Her arms were strong around Clarke’s when she softly landed them both onto the nearest bed.

It was the eagerness that had both of their clothes off in minutes, leaving them completely bare and vulnerable. It was ultimately the trust that the two girls had between them that led them to this very place, the weeks of torment, pain and misery that welded the two of them to become something else entirely.

Clarke felt whole again, the final piece of her shattered self, mending.

It was with Lexa that Clarke felt so at home and no one else. It was with Lexa that she could finally see the beauty in this place and hold it in her heart for as long as she wanted.

It was with Lexa that Clarke knew she was in love.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa are finally able to find comfort in each other, in ways they weren't able to before. 
> 
> And some things Clarke finds out - are not always able to be permanent.

“What is that?” Clarke asked in utter curiosity. “Some kind of tribal symbolic thingy?” She was referring to the carefully drawn spirals on Lexa’s arm. The spirals were encased in some kind of wing like shape, something that Clarke was quite sure had something to do with a ritual inside of their tribe. They were all covered in tattoos for that matter.

“Yes Clarke.” A shadow of a smile appeared on Lexa’s lips – something that Clarke learnt not to miss. “Anya’s work.” The two words were not bitter yet neither were they sweet. It seemed as if they were doused in a mixture of both nostalgia and a sense of absence. She had almost forgotten.

Clarke’s hand found its way against Lexa’s cheek, brushing past it lightly. “I’m sorry about what happened to her.”

“Let us not dwell on such morbid topics.” Her eyes darted downwards, “At least for now.”

She nodded in agreement. Half an hour ago Clarke had woken up next to Lexa, feeling more like her old self then she ever had felt in a while, she didn’t want to ruin it by talking about matters that only reminded her of the tremendous guilt she held inside of her. She was not fully mended and perhaps would never be, however she did know that a part of her that was once non-existent had now become sealed deeply in the depths of her heart. 

“How do you feel?” Lexa asked hastily.

For the first time that day, Clarke looked directly into the tentative eyes that had first captured her attention. “I feel the way I should feel when I wake up from one of the best nights of my life.”

Lexa rolled her eyes but gave a slight chuckle anyway. “It is always a pleasure to know that your sense of humour is always intact Clarke, but I’d like to obtain a serious answer from you from time to time.”

“It is always a pleasure to know that your formal speech is always intact Lexa, but I’d like to obtain a series of jokes from you from time to time. Just to confirm that I did actually fuck a functioning human.” Clarke was in too much of a good mood to let the bubbling amount of digs pass by her.

Lexa frowns, “Fuck? What could that be?”

“Really?” Clarke asks in disbelief.

Clarke was dreading having to explain the actual meaning of the word before she saw the corners of Lexa’s lips curl into a wide grin. “Okay.” She laughed, “You got me there.”

“I know.” Was the last thing that Lexa said before swooping in to give Clarke a chaste kiss.

And then all the fun of it all was lost in what Clarke knew to be the only person she could ironically trust. Clarke, being suddenly reminded of all that she had felt for Lexa the day before, could no longer make jokes when her heart could possibly be at stake. She trusted her – but they both were aware of the reality they unfortunately lived in. They both knew of the true meaning of survival, and how it conflicted with everything they wanted to stand for.

It was a dangerous game – one that they didn’t truly know how to play.

“Do you ever wonder about this, Lexa?” Clarke could not help supress the words that spill out of her mouth. “About us?”

“Who in their right mind wouldn’t?” Lexa replied with a sigh. “I have spent most of my nights and most of my dreams wondering about anything that has to do with you. You seeped through my life without notice and now I cannot seem to shut you out.” Clarke felt a squeeze on her hand. “I don’t wish to.”

There was some confidence that surged through Clarke after she heard that, but not enough for her to be sure. Not enough for her to ever be sure about anything. How could she be? How could she be sure about _anything_? The world was _not_ her oyster.

“I know, I’m sorry.” She closed her eyes briefly, “I’m ruining the moment.”

Fingers traced her face so softly that she didn’t even dare to open her eyes. “I don’t believe it possible for you to ruin anything Clarke.”

Her eyes however, do flutter open to that. Clarke is completely bare in a bed with someone who only a month ago was a complete stranger. Who only a couple of weeks ago betrayed her and her people. Who only a couple of weeks ago, she was convinced she _hated_.

 _“Funny_.” She thought, “ _How things could change in such a small amount of time_.”

“I’m just worried that I’m holding on to nothing.” Clarke still had insecurities, and she wished that they would vanish into the thin clean air around her but that was improbable. She had become something completely different to what she predicted.

“You aren’t.”

“You don’t know that.” It was the anxiety speaking at that point, not Clarke – however she couldn’t help but think how true it was. “I don’t think we know enough to be sure about anything, Lexa.”

Lexa’s eyes did not drift away from Clarke as they usually would have. This time they remained on Clarke, intently gazing at her. “Yes. It would be foolish to believe that you can ultimately be sure about everything, no matter the situation there is a risk to every decision you make. I needed to be in control of everything for such a long time, Clarke. I craved control in my life – and the first time I lost that control I was frightened. It was a fear that engulfed my whole body.”

“For Costia, it was not as terrifying. She was already a free spirit. Free willed – naturally able to let go.” Lexa faltered for a second before continuing. “I feel what you are feeling, Clarke. I feel it in the depths of my core and yes I feel frightened, but for the first time in a long time I don’t want to be the right way round. I want to embrace the loss of control because I know that there cannot be control in situations as unexpected and unpredictable as these.”

“I have to live the rest of my life controlling others, controlling myself – controlling everything. But with you, I can let go. Be free. _Not_ be in control.” She smiled with the whole entirety of her face. “I like it.”

Clarke’s breath hitched inside of her throat. She was immediately taken aback at where she was standing. Lexa – someone who had comforted her in the abundance of silence and kisses was now comforting her with words. With truth. With heart.

It then struck her how far Lexa had come. How far they _both_ did.

Clarke grabbed Lexa’s face and lets their lips intertwine together as they did the day before. As they would for the rest of their lives.

She hoped.

\--

 ** _All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey._**  


A tear drops on the floor.

 

**_I've been for a walk on a winter's day._ **

****

Another tear ruefully joining the other tear’s place on the frigid metal floor.

 

And Clarke finds herself weeping that these could now only be memories. That _they_ were only a memory. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sentences in bold and italics in the end are taken from a song called 'California Dreamin' by The Mamas and Papas. 
> 
> Also - please don't kill me :)))))


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is back to square one. She's breaking and the person who used to be able to mend her isn't there any more.

There is blood everywhere. It trails down to the closed door in front of her, whilst the rest of it is splattered onto her clothes. Her hands are doused in it and her mind is filled with the image. She cannot bring herself to wipe it off, she cannot really bring herself to do anything.

She is _helpless_.

Being back here should have been under her own circumstances. Not like this.

**_Not. Like. This._ **

She wants to cry more, she really does but the tears are dried up with the rest of her hope.

Everyone was looking at her. They didn’t stop staring until she carried Lexa’s limp body inside of the camp and to her mother.

Hands shaking, voice wavering as she begged her mum for help. Begged her for her own redemption.

She doesn’t remember seeing anyone else but Lexa.

**_Lexa Lexa Lexa._ **

Her name was now a poison in her mind. She wanted it _out_.

She needed her to come through. There were so many things that she wanted but this she _needed_.

Clarke had seen enough people die. She had been the cause of enough people dying. Death found its way into every little aspect of her life and it had found its way into Lexa and there would be no way that she could forgive herself.

If Lexa was gone, she would be too.

**

_Weeks had passed and Clarke felt good._

_She felt **normal**._

_She could never have imagined to ever feel like this again. She believed herself to be dead inside, and now she couldn’t understand why._

_“Today has been okay.” She thought to herself as she bandaged a little girl’s knee. “Every day is okay.”_

_“It’s really important that you rest.” Clarke lightly touches the girl’s knee, “Then you can go back to chasing your brother.”_

_The girl’s mischievous smile reappears and Clarke grins at her. “Don’t tell your mother I said that.”_

_She gives the girl a little hug and goes off to find Lexa._

_Even her name was enough to warm her heart. Everything with her was slow and beautiful; the butterflies disappeared and all that was left between them was comfort._

_It wasn’t perfect. Nothing between them could ever be perfect and that was just how Clarke liked it._

_They squabbled over the silliest things, things that the commander deemed trivial whilst Clarke argued that they were important to her._

_One of them would end up laughing, of course. They could never be angry for too long. At least not now._

_The fact that someone so complex now made everything so simple was an anomaly to Clarke. Many things about Lexa were an anomaly to Clarke and she secretly loved it._

_Clarke loved **her**. _

_And then-_

_There was utterly no warning._

_No shout. No scream._

_Not even a whimper._

_It was silent and deadly._

_Just as she was about to greet Lexa, braided hair and doe eyed green – she was stopped dead in her tracks._

_For the first time ever, Clarke had watched as Lexa’s eyes turn into the crippling fear that had been injected into Clarke the second she collapsed._

**_Then_ ** _she screamed. **Then** she shouted._

_Her legs moved faster then she had ever recalled they were able to. Guards, mothers, fathers and children all rushed to her direction._

_Their commotion was not heard. Clarke was too focused on the blood oozing out of Lexa quicker than it should have been._

_A bullet to the back was now lodged into Lexa’s chest. Horribly close to her heart – it’s owner unseen. Unheard._

_She couldn’t look for much longer._

_Indra was now behind her, shouting at Clarke, looking for answers._

_“I don’t know.” She kept on saying it until it somehow had some meaning._

_“This most obviously is an attack from the Ice Nation.” Indra’s voice however was not filled with conviction. It faltered._

_Clarke shook her head as she pressed down on Lexa’s chest. She couldn’t quiet her thoughts down. There was a storm in her mind and it was only growing. “No.” She whispered. “They do not use bullets.”_

_“Your people do.” The comment is so quiet that Clarke almost doesn’t notice that it seeps out of Indra’s mouth._

_Her heart drops at the realisation._

_How could that be possible? Why did it seem like it was?_

_She shakes her head more vigorously this time. “ **No.** ” the words seethe out of her so violently that Indra backs away slightly. “We need to take her to my mother.” _

_Indra doesn’t speak. Barely nods._

_“Hurry.” Her hands are now filled with blood and her face full of tears. Frightened of the next few words she would utter “I don’t think she has much more time left.”_

_Lexa is silent all throughout the panic, she only stares up at Clarke._

_“May we meet again.” She croaks out, struggling heavily to breathe._

_And with tears in her eyes, she knew this would be their last goodbye._

_**_

It had taken them a day to reach the camp.

Lexa did not speak at all. She only looked at Clarke, as if she was telling her to give up.

Now, Clarke was about to.

She had been waiting outside the operating room for over half a day and she didn’t know what else to believe. The worry was killing her and yet the part of her that told her to hang on was now beginning to waver.

A beam of light and a couple of light footsteps later, Clarke is no longer alone.

It is not, however the person she wants to see. The person she wants to see might never be seen again.

Instead, she finds it to be Octavia.

The girl looks at Clarke as if she is trying to figure out who she is. Brow furrowed and eyes curious. She sits down next to Clarke and leaves a couple of minutes of silence.

Clarke cannot handle anyone else right now. She can barely handle herself.

“Hi.” Is all that Octavia find she can utter.

She can feel eyes burning into her. Clarke closes her eyes and breathes out. “I don’t feel like questions, Octavia.” It comes out in a whisper rather than a statement and she herself is surprised by this.

“I know.” She whispers back. “But we all have them.”

“Yes.” Clarke purses her lips.

“We all thought you were dead.” Octavia chokes out. She looks at her and Clarke can see that her looks are now laced with anger. “After what happened at TonDC, I convinced myself that I couldn’t care less if you were.” She leaves the sentence hang in the air for a while until she clears her throat. “Eventually, I got worried. We all did. We all _are_.”

“Great.” Clarke spat out. “I’m glad to hear you suddenly care about my wellbeing.”

Octavia’s face soon turns sour. “Maybe you should keep your attitude out of this. You _know_ you let people die. You were ready to let us _all_ die.”

“Is that why I pulled the lever and killed all the mountain men? Even the innocents? The _Kids_? I did that for _all_ of you.” Clarke shot back, bloody hands gripping onto the cold floor.

“You wouldn’t have had to do that if Lexa didn’t screw us all over. She screwed _you_ over, Clarke! Except you rush back in months after, with _her_.” She spits out Lexa’s name with so much distaste that Clarke feels her heart clench.

Clarke finally properly looks at Octavia and tears are threatening to re-appear. She is weak, tired and cannot deal with any of Octavia’s anger. “We’ve all done things we wish we didn’t have to admit to. _You_ have killed people, Lincoln has killed people, Bellamy has killed people – we all have! None of us are innocent, we kill people and move on with our lives because that’s all we can do. _We don’t have a choice_.” She looks away from Octavia. “You want to point your finger and judge? Go ahead. Just remember you’re not innocent either.”

She hears a hitch in Octavia’s breath and winces when she watches her walk away.

Clarke closes her eyes and takes a shaky breath.

“Wake up, Lexa.” Clarke hisses under her breath. “It’s not fair.” Her voice cracks at the end of that sentence and she is startled with the pang in her stomach that follows after.

She finds herself repeating it until the three words lose their meaning and gain it all in one moment. She latches onto herself and pours her heart out onto the floor beneath her, clutching onto her stomach as she let the tears fall once more.

Words and memories were all that she had of Lexa now and the continuous clench in her heart did nothing to stop her from feeling all that she was feeling. She didn’t want to feel the weight of the world crush down on her again. She had lost so much.

She had lost _enough_.

Arms are now wrapped around her, coaxing her out of her tears and out of her mind. The arms are strong and yet so very frail. They squeeze and squeeze and Clarke feels as if all her breath might escape out of her in that very moment.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” She hears Octavia sniffle behind her. “I’m _so_ sorry.” Clarke almost wants to shout at her again. To lash out at Octavia for shouting the accusations she didn’t want to hear. But she cannot bring herself to do that, instead she allows herself to collapse into Octavia’s hug.

“I missed you.”

Clarke nods and lets another tear fall down. “I think she’s dead.”

Silence follows for a while after. Clarke feels like it is for the better.

“Do you love her?” Octavia asks as she puts her head onto Clarke’s shoulder, face wet from all the tears.

“Yes.” Her heart swells with the admission.

“Okay.” Octavia sighs. “Why did you leave?”

“I couldn’t stay.”

“Please don’t leave again.”

She doesn’t reply, just lets herself nod off into the sleep that she desperately needs.

There are words that are left unsaid and there are things Clarke wishes she had done before she let Lexa slip so easily out of her fingers.

They echo in her mind and don’t leave her sleep.

She doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to sleep so easily without Lexa by her side.

If Lexa goes,

_She goes too._


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is spiralling out of control. She needs to know what happened to Lexa, and although she is expecting the worst she is also hoping for the best.

_“What’s this?” Clarke asks her mother loudly as she points to the small sharp instrument to the left of her mother. “It looks pointy.”_

_“That, is something you do not touch.” Abby takes the scalpel into her hands swiftly, whilst also managing to avoid her daughters taunting pout. “Mummy uses that for very important work.”_

_Clarke crosses her arms and huffs. “You don’t have to talk to me like a baby. I know you use it to cut into people.”_

_Abby gasps for a second before turning in front of her daughter, scalpel still in hand. “What?”_

_“You use it to cut into people. They get sick and you use it like magic.” Clarke raises her eyebrow, challenging her mother. She wanted her to know that she had won this time._

_Abby raises her eyebrow too. “Then why did you ask if you knew the answer?”_

_“To impress you.” Clarke smiles a toothy smile, showing off her missing front tooth. “Did it work?”_

_“Oh yes.” She assured her daughter, “Maybe you’ll grow up to be just like me.”_

_Clarke stops smiling and stares at her mother with big blue eyes. Curious – seeking for more. “You mean I can use the magic pointy thing? I can fix sick people?”_

_“Maybe, but that isn’t magic.”_

_“Then what is it?”_

_Abby sighs, wondering how she would explain the gruesome details of surgery to her seven year old daughter. “To fix sick people, we need things like medicine. Sometimes people get very sick and they would need more than just medicine; and that’s where I come in.” She points to the scalpel in her hand, “I use this to help those sick people. I cut into their body and fix what went wrong.”_

_Clarke doesn’t stop staring. “That’s still magic.”_

_“No, it isn’t.” Abby chuckles._

_“You do what’s impossible.” She replies as she itches her chin, eyes still big and blue as they were a couple of minutes ago. “That’s magic mummy.”_

_Clarke was too stubborn to believe anything else. What her mother did – to her – was magic. Nothing in the world would let the thought escape from her mind._

_“Whatever it is, Clarke, it’s not easy.” Her mother feels like Clarke should know this._

_She frowns. “Why?”_

_“Sometimes, people are beyond repair. Sometimes, I can’t help them.”_

_The knowledge of this makes Clarke sad. “That isn’t fair.”_

_“I know.” And god, she really does._

_“How do you know who you can fix and who you can’t?” This question is one of the most important to Clarke, she needs it to be answered._

_Abby sighs._

_“I don’t.”_

**

The hours that passed no longer feel like hours. They feel like torture being lengthened to plague not only her body but her mind. The curiosity and the pure need to _know_ if Lexa’s spirit remained intact was taking over Clarke and her though process. She had never felt anything so painful and so _real_ as this and she now knows that she doesn’t want to.

Octavia was fast asleep next to her, her head resting peacefully on Clarke’s shoulder.

Clarke is somehow surprised by the fact that she wants Octavia’s company. She doesn’t think that she can be alone for one more second. There are things that she must deal with when left by herself, and she is nowhere near ready for that.

Her mind is not set for sleep. Her eyes are wide awake and do nothing to allow her to fall into the sleep she knows she needs. After waking from a restless sleep full of memories of her past, her desire to _need_ and to _know_ Lexa’s condition grew stronger.

Right now, she needs to be seven again.

She needs to believe in her mum’s magic. She needs Lexa to be one of the people that her mum can fix. Today, she will opt to be selfish and hope that Lexa will be the one that survives out of the lot of people that won’t. She needs the person she loves to come through something almost impossible. She needs her mum’s magic to exist.

Clarke is sick of the small compact room outside her mother’s surgery room. The walls are bleak and grey and they remind her of her childhood. A childhood now so far away from her reality that it is only a bitter reminder of where she is standing today.

No paintings occupy the walls, just broken TV screens and dents from the crash.

This place is damaged.

Just like her whole situation.

She needs to leave. Slowly she prods Octavia’s shoulder, motioning for her to get up.

“Where are you going?” Octavia asks as she rubs her sluggish eyes.

“Outside.” Clarke sighs, “I think I need some air.”

“People are going to stare. Some will ask questions.” She warns with a slight grip on her arm as she gets up next to her, grunting as she did so.

Clarke nods. “I can deal with it.”

The walk to the outside of the camp takes less than a minute and yet it is still filled with an awkward tension. Clarke has no time to question how Octavia knew about her and Lexa. Right now she cannot care about such petty things. Maybe trivial matters such as these will never mean anything to her again. Not after this. Not after today.

There are wind beaten faces that stare at her, that want to know just as much as she does. Some of them look at her as if she is frail and might break, whilst some look at her as if she is a traitor – ready to attack. These are two sides of Clarke that some of them have seen and only one that Lexa has.

The free and simple part of her she would wish to bask in for the rest of her life.

She ignores them and walks past them. She is not weak. She has suffered so much and so hard that looks and comments will not hurt her. They will not phase her.

Octavia sits down on a table with Raven. Clarke feels a small swell in heart when she watches her look up at her sadly.

_She knows._

Raven takes no time to hug Clarke. There is an intense rush to it that leaves Clarke speechless. She stays there idle for a couple of seconds before finally reciprocating a long and well needed hug. Sometimes, things could still be simple.

“I would have thought you hated me.” Clarke said into the mass of dark brown hair.

She even missed the scent of Raven.

She missed all of them.

“There’s nothing to hate you for.” She replies simply. Then, a smug smile re appears. “So, you and the commander?”

Octavia shoots a death glare towards Raven and shakes her head violently. “Oh.” She clears her throat. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean anything-”

Clarke sat down, held up her hand and shrugged. “It’s fine.”

“Okay.” A moment of silence and she was back at it. “So are you and her…?”

 _“Raven!”_ Octavia hisses so loudly that a couple of people begin to stare at them again.

“Sorry!” She hisses back. “I’m just curious.” She turns back to Clarke, “I know she’s in there right now and you’re scared but we all have questions, and no one wants to bombard you with them but I thought you’d appreciate being treated with some normalcy.”

Clarke sighs, “I would actually appreciate that.”

Raven nods and shoots a look of defiance in Octavia’s direction.

“I know Lexa betrayed us, and there’s no way I can make you understand how she helped me feel better about myself. I had to kill hundreds of innocent people and I couldn’t live with it. I needed to leave.” Clarke watches as Bellamy drops a small plate of food in front of her, a weak smile accompanied along with it. “I didn’t go looking for her. I ended up there by accident.”

“Where?”

“Polis.”

They all share secret looks between each other and Clarke allows them this. They deserve more than this. But this is all she can give them, for now.

“So you and her are together now?” Raven re affirms.

“Not if she doesn’t make it through this.” Clarke comments morbidly.

Whoever said the truth was the most powerful weapon was the most idiotic person alive. The truth only made her want to hole up into a ball and cry. The truth only seemingly screwed up her life further. The truth sucked ass.

There is an odd silence that follows shortly, cut off by Bellamy’s sharp intake of breath. “Have you been okay?” Clarke asks him sheepishly, “I’m sorry I left you like that.”

He nods at her apology. “I’ve been fine.”

She wants to say more to him, but she doesn’t have the peace of mind or the patience. She knows he deserves an explanation and for now, he needs to know that she can’t give that to him. There are certain things she cannot do and she needs to be excused for that.

She is not okay.

Clarke finds that she has nothing much else to say. Questions and friends were not enough for Clarke to stop worrying about Lexa. She finds that to be impossible.

“How’s Jasper?” The thought quickly jumps up into her mind.

Bellamy shrugs, “Still angry. Especially at Monty, but he’s finally starting to see through things.” He pauses and looks at her carefully. “All of us have had some time to heal whilst you’ve been gone.”

“ _She_ was pretty mad at me.” Clarke directed her gaze to Octavia, a hint of a smirk amongst her lips.

“Oh, you know O. Sassy.” Bellamy shoots a knowing glance at Clarke.

Raven scoffs, “I believe the correct word would be ‘Aggressive’.”

Octavia rolls her eyes playfully, “My anger was valid.”

“Everyone’s is.” Clarke notes. She clears her throat. “Have any of you had any threats from another group of grounders? Ones wearing very furry coats, possibly some kind of _Azgeda_ mark on them?” She was desperately trying to move on from the awkward conversation.

No one seems to register any such description.

“Azgeda?” Bellamy asks. “What’s that?”

“They’re the Ice Nation, a part of the coalition with the Tri Kru.” Clarke sighs, “They’ve had some trouble with the Tri Kru before, and they had almost started up another war. We were suspecting them for the attack, but guns are not used by grounders and bullets were what were shot at Lexa.”

“We haven’t seen anyone like that.” Octavia continues to munch into the strange looking meat in front of her. “Lincoln would have told me if he did.”

“We haven’t been visited by anyone since Mount Weather. We’ve made our trips there to get rid of the bodies respectfully and to make use of their resources.” Bellamy shrugs, “It’s been almost peaceful here.”

“Then that means we have a bigger threat on our hands.” Clarke rubs her temples energetically, trying to massage the hell out of her budding migraine. “This might be personal.”

“Personal?” Raven asks silently.

Clarke nods. “Why would someone shoot Lexa?”

Octavia scoffs a little but quickly quietens herself down as she looks at Clarke’s serious face. “Clarke, I know you’re all smitten with her and what not – but let’s not pretend like Lexa hasn’t rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. She betrayed us, too. She’s the reason Finn is dead.”

Her last statement hurts more than it should.

“So are you saying that someone from here could have done this?” It was more of a question rather than a statement and it rolls off her tongue rather sourly.

Octavia shakes her head. “That’s impossible. None of us know where the hell Polis is at. We had no idea you were there, Clarke.”

“Then _who_ did this?” Her hands are now balled up into fists and her knuckles a pale shade of white.

Raven wiped her mouth with a small piece of cloth and placed her hand on Clarke’s, squeezing it lightly. “We’ll find out.”

Clarke nods and realises that the conversation is far too intense for her liking. “I’m going to go get some space and wait some more. It can’t be too long now.”

All they can do is nod back as Clarke walks away.

She can handle being alone now. She needs it more than ever now.

Her head is banging and her eyes are drooping. She retreats back to her old place and prepares herself for the worst. The one thing she knows is coming is about to kick the life out of her, and she will let it.

There is a lack of understanding that no one will ever gain when it comes to Clarke. She does not need to rely on anyone. Not Lexa, not her mother, not Finn, not _anyone_. Clarke knows she can survive the rest of her life without Lexa. It would possibly be a life much simpler – one without the complex commander.

But, this is no longer about what she can do. It is about what she wants to do.

And what she wants to do is be with Lexa.

She is being stripped away from what she wants and Clarke is far too tired to fight anymore. Her fight lies in the hands of her mother. Her need lies in the magic scalpel that has fixed her people for years now.

She needs Lexa because she wants her.

Without her, Clarke’s life is far too bleak. Far too simple. Only about survival. Only partly full. Always partly empty.

She does not want to see a world without her.

_She won’t_

**

Arms are shaking her awake once again.

They are forceful and almost urgent.

Clarke’s eyes shoot open and her heart takes a leap as she witnesses her mother looking down at her softly, a completely unreadable expression on her face.

“I think you should come with me.”

There are a thousand things she wants to say right there and then, but she remains quiet.

Her minds goes silent.

There is only one thing running through her mind.

And she’s beginning to wonder, if it’s really salvageable.

Or if it’s just a lost cause.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loads of emotions. Like. Woah.

Her face was peaceful.

It felt utterly strange to see someone look so peaceful, so serene.

It felt _wrong_.

Clarke wanted to scream, wanted to shout from the highest cliff that it wasn’t fair and that it wasn’t right for Lexa to look so peaceful when _she_ was so _scared_. A thousand blows to the stomach couldn’t have prepared her for that face.

She didn’t think she’d ever see it again.

And now that she is, she wants to hit herself. She wants to shout at herself for not feeling relieved. Shouldn’t she be happy? Shouldn’t she be over the bloody moon? Why are her hands shaking?

Why is she terrified?

“She was lucky.” Abby’s voice cut her out of her longing stare. “Whoever shot her knew exactly where to shoot her.”

Clarke barely nods, barely looks at her mother. She wants to thank her, she really does – but right now she is at a loss for words and no combination of letters and looks could make her feel better. She didn’t want an explanation. She didn’t need one.

But, her mother went on. “She was strong.”

This captured a glance from Clarke. She finds herself frowning, looking at her mother in confusion. “Strong?” Clarke croaks out, “How was she strong?”

“She fought to survive.” Abby clarified, “Her survival under most circumstances was impossible. Just… not this one.”

A wave of admiration and affection flushes over Clarke and she feels like the eternal feeling of being lucky will never leave her. It scares the heck out of her.

“Clarke.”

And she knows this tone. She knows the way her mother says her name as if it would be the last time she could hear it, she knows what she’s about to say.

“I need to know what’s going on.” Clarke can sense the exasperation in Abby’s voice and she suddenly feels guilty. She saved the one person Clarke had grown to love unconditionally and she had not said thank you. She had not given her one hint that what she did for her was _so_ important. “Why did you leave? Why were you with Lexa? _What is going on_?”

Clarke knows she cannot handle the questions that are practically burning to be answered; but she also knows that her mother is completely lost. They all are.

“I need to think, mum.” She knows that she is being selfish, she knows the budding frustration inside of her is wrong but she cannot help it. Too much has happened for her to endure the badgering questions she has received again and again. “I can’t handle this right now.”

Abby walks closer to Clarke, her face angering too. “You think I can?” She hisses and there is almost a look of desperation in her mother’s eyes. It is weakening Clarke and she cannot face her mother anymore. “I had to endure over three months of having absolutely no idea where you were! Every day was a burden, I had to continue helping our people recover from a gruelling war whilst wondering where my daughter was! Every time I find you Clarke, you run away.”

Clarke knows how painfully right her mother is. She can clearly imagine the pain and the discomfort of not knowing. Of barely hoping. She had felt it for the last two days and Abby had felt it for the last three _months_. She knows her mother’s frustration is valid.

And she knows hers is too.

“I helped her because she clearly means a lot to you.” Her mother’s voice is now broken into a softer tone. It makes Clarke want to cry again – even though she knows she won’t. Not now. “You seem to take that for granted.”

Clarke looks at her mother and can’t help the gloss of hidden tears that shadow her eyes as she looks at her. “I haven’t taken it for granted. I’m just trying to hold it all together. That’s what I’ve been trying to do for the last three months.” She looks at Lexa for a second and back to her mother, “She’s the one who made it possible for me to do that. Whatever you may think about her, she’s proved to me otherwise.”

Abby looks at Lexa for a second and closes her eyes. “I have given up on trying to understand why you do certain things. I have faith in you, I have faith in your choices and I will continue to have that faith in you. I just want to know why I couldn’t help you.” She hears Abby inhale a shaky breath, “I want to know why you felt you had to leave.”

“Because I killed innocent people for all of you.”

Abby looks straight at her daughter. Focusing. Questioning.

“I killed so many people because it was the only thing I could do to save you. I did it because you all mean so much to me.” Clarke breaths out heavily and grounds herself. “You were all a constant reminder of that. You still _are_. I felt dead inside and being here only made me feel worse. You couldn’t help me, no one could. It was my choice to leave and _it wasn’t your fault_.”

The silence between them is not a comfortable one. The air is still full of tension and as much as Clarke wants to continue their conversation, she knows that right now her mind is only aware of one thing. That one thing is lying on a bed, breathing rhythmically – like clockwork and utterly peaceful. She needed to focus on that. She needed more information about _that_.

Clarke clears her throat, “Will she be okay?”

Abby nods slowly, “I’ll leave you alone for a bit.”

Clarke smiles weakly at her mother and waits for her to leave. She still feels guilty, but reminds herself to brush it off. The word ‘guilty’ can be eradicated from her vocabulary for all she cares – now is not the time and not the place.

She doesn’t think she can handle being closer to Lexa, but she moves closer anyway. Clarke sits on the side of Lexa’s bed and thinks about touching her. She wants her to wake up, she wants to speak to her – to hug her, but her face is too peaceful and something tells her that the way Lexa is resting now might be a rare instance.

Clarke knows she cannot ruin this.

She retreats to grabbing a chair from behind her and resting her head close to Lexa’s hand.

And Clarke is still terrified.

**

Horrible, spluttering coughs wake her up.

Clarke rises up immediately to see Lexa struggling to breathe.

She rushes to Lexa’s other side and makes her sit upright. “Lexa.” Clarke attempts to calm Lexa down but it is to no avail.

“Lexa calm down.” Clarke tries again, rubbing her back slowly. “You’re okay. You’re _fine_.”

Clarke looks to the other side of the room and sees a glass of water perched on the table next to her. She figured her mother had placed it there for her when she woke up. She ran over to grab it and give some to Lexa.

“Drink.” Clarke orders, “You’ll feel better after you drink.”

Lexa obeys her and gulps the water down so quickly that she leaves Clarke staring quite awkwardly at her.

Her breathing is still uneven and Clarke’s hand is still rubbing her back to calm her down. “I’ll explain everything, just calm down a little.”

It takes Lexa a while to adapt to her surroundings, her hand is reaching for Clarke’s free hand and she holds on to it for dear life. Eventually, she does calm down and Clarke sits on the bed next to her, finally able to hug her and hold her like she has wanted to for the past two days.

“You were shot.”

“Yes.”

Clarke’s fingers are so tightly intertwined with Lexa’s that she feels like the thought of letting go is no longer a possibility.

“How do you feel about that?”

“I don’t know.”

She is still at a loss for words and doesn’t know how to handle this situation. Lexa almost died. Clarke was devastated. How does she even attempt to explain how she was feeling? How could she tell Lexa that the minute she knew there was a chance that she could be lost from the world forever, she was ready to give up her own life?

That she didn’t want to live in a world that didn’t have Lexa in it. That she couldn’t even think about it.

Clarke takes her other hand and caresses Lexa’s face. “I was so scared.”

Lexa tries to avoid her gaze but finds that she cannot manage that for more than a mere couple of seconds. “I know. I saw you.”

“I took you here because my mum was the only person I know would be able to help you.” Clarke breathes in heavily, feeling the weight of everything she was about to tell Lexa – remembering how fragile and frail life was. “I thought you were as good as dead.”

Lexa’s eyes creep onto Clarke’s and there is something in the way Lexa’s lower lip wobbles that makes Clarke completely break down.

“I’m sorry.” The tears are spilling down Clarke’s cheeks faster than expected. “You’ve just come back from something utterly horrible and I’m making this about me.”

Strong arms are wrapped around her waist and she feels Lexa’s warmth press up against her. She feels her wince slightly as she does this, but relaxes as she shifts into a less painful position. “I thought-” She cannot finish any of her sentences, her sobbing has become loud and uncontrollable and she hates how the thought of Lexa brings her to tears.

“I don’t know what happened.” Her shaky breaths are nowhere close to stopping, “It came out of nowhere. You were smiling and-”

Lexa cannot be brave anymore either. She feels like giving herself to Clarke has taken away a certain endurance around her. A tear spills down her cheek and soon enough the two of them are holding each other tightly, both crying, both terrified, both wondering how something so strong and beautiful makes them weak.

“I’m still so scared.” Clarke’s breath hitches, “I feel like I can’t let you out of my sight. Like I need to protect you. I was ready to die for you.”

Lexa tries her very best to stop crying, but finds it hard to stop crying when the girl she’s holding makes her feel things she knows her father warned her against. She can’t find it in her to care about what he says anymore. “I don’t want you to ever do that. You need to live, even if there comes a time that I won’t be anymore.”

“I don’t care.” Clarke sniffles, “Just promise me that you won’t leave me again.”

“You know I can’t do that.” It hurts Lexa more than anything to say that.

“Please, Lexa.”

Lexa sighs and tries to hold Clarke tighter. “I wish I could, Clarke. I really do.”

“Promises aren’t things we can hold on to. Not people like us. You are a leader of your people and I am a leader of mine. You belong _here_ , Clarke and I belong _there_. There isn’t anything that either of us can do about it.” Lexa still has tears running down her cheeks and as much as she hates it she knows that she is saying what needs to be said. “I have a duty and that duty is to my people. We both knew this was going to happen.”

Clarke cannot handle any more of what Lexa is saying. “Why are you saying this now?” Her eyes are red and bloodshot and the way she looks at Lexa makes her heart clench. “What has changed so much that you’re thinking this way again?”

Anger has now clouded Clarke’s fright and she cannot help the last few words come out of her mouth, “Why are you acting like a coward?”

Lexa shift uncomfortably and frowns. She is weak, exasperated and downright too overwhelmed to have such accusations thrown at her. “Because I love you.” The admission leaves Lexa once again breathless, and she doesn’t think she can deal with all that she is feeling.

The words are simple and Clarke hears them so clearly that it shoots a deep pain in her stomach. The words that Clarke had repeated in her head so many times were now being said to her and she could almost understand the gravity of what Lexa was trying to tell her.

“I love you too.” Clarke pleads, “Is that what you want me to say? Because I do, Lexa. I want you and I need you and I can’t have you do this to me again.

“It is dangerous for us to do so.” She ignores Clarke’s statements and continues. “I have hurt you far too many times and I will hurt you again.”

Clarke feels like she could be sucked into a deep whole and never come out of it. “I thought we moved passed this.” She whispers, no longer having enough energy to fight back.

She slips away from Lexa’s touch.

“Clarke.” Lexa pleads.

Clarke shakes her head, determined to leave. The rollercoaster of emotions she had tucked so deeply inside of her had become draining and insufferable.

Enough was enough.

“You said you were willing to die for me.” Lexa reminds her, “I can’t have you do that.”

Clarke turns round, looking at Lexa directly. “Then tell _me_ something. Would you not have thought the same? If you believed me to be dead, would you not have been prepared to do anything? Is that why love is _weakness_ Lexa? Because you are fully ready to do things against your beliefs?”

Lexa closes her eyes and sighs, she clasps her chest in pain and sobs. “I cannot fight Clarke, please. I was so close to death that I could feel it. I could feel it everywhere – I thought I was dead. I looked up at you as you took me to your people and I thought it would be the last time I saw your face.” The desperation in Lexa’s voice is one that Clarke had never heard before. “I was fine knowing I could be faced with the reality of death. I was fine when I believed that my time was up. I wasn’t fine when I knew I would have to leave you, Clarke. I was terrified of what you would do after.”

“You are so much more than just what we have and you don’t deserve to die because I wouldn’t be here anymore.” Lexa’s attempts to catch up with her shaky breaths, “You are strong, Clarke. You can survive without me, just as I can survive without you. I won’t let my demise be yours.”

Clarke bows her head down and tries her best to stop crying. “I just couldn’t bare it.”

“ _I know_.”

And Clarke knows that she does.

“Whatever we have, Lexa.” Clarke looks back up at her, “I won’t let you end it.”

Lexa has no reply, no words to back herself up anymore. “Just like you won’t let me die, I won’t let _us_ die. We’ve been through too much.”

Clarke makes her way back to Lexa and wraps her arms around her, “I’m not letting you go.”

And Lexa finds that she can’t either.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has a talk with her mum and finally lets everything all out.

“I don’t understand this.” Lexa tries to get up from her bed but Clarke gently presses her down. “Clarke.” She gives her a glare but Clarke only smirks, “Please let me get up.”

“Not allowed. _Commander_.” Clarke replied, the smirk still widely strapped onto her face.

Lexa rolls her eyes and groans. “I have been stuck to this bed for the last 5 days and I don’t wish to be stuck here for more, so kindly Clarke – I would like you to allow me to get up. Move.” She pauses. “ _Breathe_.”

“I would.” Clarke answers honestly, “But my mum told me it’s best for you to rest and as much as you are reluctant to do so, you’re going to have to obey those orders.”

She strays away from Clarke’s gaze and shifts her body away from her. “I am the commander of my people, Clarke. I need to protect them, guide them. I have a lot to deal with and I cannot just rest and take time off. I need to find out who did this. I need to know that my people are _safe_.”

“I know.” Clarke places her hand on Lexa’s shoulder and squeezes it lightly. “I _know_ , Lexa. But I almost lost you. Your _people_ almost lost you. Two more days, and you can get up and be your usual commanding self.” She loosens her grip on Lexa and sighs, “We are going to find out who did this, I promise you.”

Clarke was going to keep that promise if it was the last thing she was to do on this earth.

**

Although Clarke had tried her best to spend time with her friends, there was an absence in conversation and a tension that ripped through the entirety of Clarke’s presence. She felt like nothing was resolved between them, and maybe nothing would be.

She also had been purposely avoiding her mother. Small talk was all that was left between them, nothing more than the budding questions that were probably about to spew from her mother’s mouth before Clarke would cut her off and sit next to Lexa.

Clarke knew she owed everything to her mum for saving Lexa, but she just needed to make sense of everything before she could start explaining why and how and where.

And now, Clarke knew that it was time to do exactly that.

She needed to clear up her story with everyone.

“Mum?” Clarke opened the door to her Mum’s old room and walked in. “Is it okay if I come in?”

“You already are in.” Abby gives her a soft smile and beckons her to come sit down next to her. “Is everything okay?”

She doesn’t know how to reply to that. “It’s okay as it can be.” She sighs. “I think it’s about time I explain everything to you, if that’s okay with you.”

Abby’s eyes grow concerned, they seek to know more. _Much_ more. “I would love that, actually.” She pats the empty space on the bed next to her and beckons Clarke to sit next to her. “Please Clarke, just tell me what’s been going on. I need to know.”

Clarke braces herself and decides to sit down next to her mother. “You need to hear me out, and I need you to try understand – put yourself in my shoes, okay?”

Abby nods encouragingly and waits for Clarke patiently.

“Firstly, I just want to thank you for saving her.” Clarke does her best to look at her mother straight in the eyes and tries her best to continue doing so. “I know that to you she’s the person who killed Finn. The person who let all those people die in Ton DC, and the person who didn’t keep her word. The person who left us all to die.” Clarke clears her throat and tries to relieve the dryness in her throat. “When I killed those people-”

Abby lifts up her hand to rebuff Clarke’s last comment but she doesn’t allow it. “ _No_ , Mum.” Clarke replies firmly as she grabs her mother’s hand, “I _killed_ them. There were children, there were people who helped us and I killed them. I had to.”

Her mother sighs and looks away from her for a second. “You shouldn’t have had to take that decision on your own.”

“I wasn’t alone.” Clarke re assures her, “But I still did it. It ate me up inside, and I couldn’t deal with the pain. I couldn’t deal with being around every one. Bellamy and Monty shared the weight of the blame, but we all know that I was the one who took the decision. It was my doing.” She looks across the room for a second to find her favourite painting. It was her very first painting; she was only three years old back then. You could hardly call a dishevelled looking tree a piece of ‘art’, but Clarke’s dad always made it seem like it was. She tries to shake her head away from the thought.

This room held a numerous amount of memories; it was hard to be in here again.

Clarke looks back at her mother and takes a deep breath, “Sometimes I would think about what Dad would say if he was here. I’d like to believe he’d have had my back in all of this; that he would have consoled me.” She sniffed, “But he wasn’t here, and I couldn’t live with what I had done.” She pauses, “So I left.”

“You had me, Clarke.” The older woman’s brow furrows, “Why couldn’t you have spoken to me?”

“There was a time I would have spoken to you about it, but events have taken place and decisions have been made since then and I just knew that talking to you would not have helped.” The admission threatens that the tears in her eyes would re-emerge, but she holds it inside. Now was not the time. “When I left, my aim was not to find Lexa. It wasn’t to find anyone. I just needed to be alone, I was angry at the world and I was angry at myself.”

Abby looked at Clarke genuinely and pursed her lips, “How did Lexa come into the picture then?”

“I was captured.” Clarke almost laughed at the thought now, seeing as the grounders that captured her had never showed up again. “I was being tracked, and they apparently thought that I would be better off dead.” She sighs at the memory, “Lexa stopped them and took me to Polis whilst I was unconscious.” Her mother shot her a confused glance, “She took care of me” Clarke clarified.

“I hated her for that.” She recalls, “God how I hated her.” She realises that she’s wearing a very strange smirk on her face and tries to keep her expression neutral. “I wanted her dead, I wanted to drive a bullet so far into her heart that I would make her feel genuinely sorry. I had no intention of staying, and yet I couldn’t exactly leave.”

Clarke tries to move the story along, “I was far, far away from all of you and I had no intention of going back. I had no choice but to stay there and bear it.” She looked at her mother carefully, “After a while I couldn’t ‘hate’ Lexa anymore. She helped me forgive myself, and in the process of doing that I forgave _her_.”

Abby cocks her eyebrow and goes through a number of facial expressions before looking back at Clarke. “Do you love her, Clarke?”

This catches Clarke off guard as she stares at her mother. “Why are you asking me that?”

“Because it’s quite clear that the only reason you are here is because of her.” She clears her throat, “I can see that it pains you to be here, Clarke. All these memories, all these faces – I don’t think you can handle it. This isn’t your home anymore, is it?”

Abby’s statement hits Clarke hard. It hits her in all the places she had tried to forget and in all the ways she wished it didn’t. She felt herself gasp for air at the understanding of all this, she felt her eyes well up in tears as she nodded.

_Mother knows best._

Her mother’s arms are cradled around her as she weeps, weeps for herself and for Lexa. For her friends and the people – all the people who once were innocent, for the lies and the deceit. The innocent lives that couldn’t be spared were an even more pungent reminder of this.

She sobbed for the situation she has been placed in. For the fact that the place she could feel comfortable in now made her feel sick to her stomach. It was early, too early to be feeling all that she was feeling – but something told her that it was _right_.

“I’ve never wanted anything more than the best for you Clarke.” Abby tucks a loose strand of hair behind Clarke’s ear. “If you feel like being with Lexa is the only way you can feel better, than you can be with her. I love you, I love you so much, but I cannot lose you again Clarke. Not again. Please stay, Clarke.”

The request squeezes at Clarke’s heart and as much as she wants to bark ‘No’ back to her mother, she finds that doing so would be cruel and selfish. She doesn’t know if she can answer truthfully answer so all she does is tell her mother that she’d think about it.

And she really would try to.

**

“She wants me to stay, Lexa.” Clarke nuzzles into Lexa’s neck and takes comfort in the darkness around her. Moments like these between them are rare, they both know this. “I feel like I should.” She admits.

Lexa’s rhythmic breathing stops abruptly and Clarke feels her breath hitch. “Do you _want_ to stay, Clarke? Or do you feel compelled to?”

She feels an arm caress her cheek and she looks up at Lexa. She wants to focus on Lexa for a while, forget the impending decision she’d have to take and forget that Lexa almost died a couple of days ago. Clarke wants to forget this and wants to remember her. She wants to remember her for the rest of her life.

“I’ll stay if you stay.”

Clarke knows the words are unfair the second they slip out of her mouth, but she knows that she is speaking the truth. If the Ark was no longer her home, Lexa definitely was.

“Clarke…”

“No, Lexa.” Clarke breathes in, “I’m not expecting you to stay. I know you have your own people to take care of, you have a duty to them – I _know_.” She closes her eyes forcefully, “I just want to be close to you. Like this, for the rest of my life.”

She feels lips press onto hers and she allows herself to fall into the kiss like the many times she did before. Like the first time.

There is a flurry of emotions that run through Clarke’s system that lets her kiss Lexa with all the power she had inside her. She never lets the shiver down her spine go amiss and never forgets the reason why the way Lexa kisses her was the only way she ever wanted to be kissed.

 _She was the best thing that ever happened to her_.

“Clarke!”

She hears a familiar voice pull her away from Lexa and profusely frowns at the intruder.

The lights go on and a wind beaten Raven is in front of them both, nostrils flaring, eyes awake. “You need to come with me.”

“What’s going on?” Clarke asks urgently.

She gives her a small smile, “You’ll know when you come with me.” Her eyes waver over to Lexa wearily, “You should probably come too.” Her voice is curt and there is a certain coldness that laces it.

Lexa luckily ignores this.

Clarke looks over at Lexa who seems to have the same confused expression on her face and jerks her head in Raven’s direction. “Let’s go.” She says softly.

She smiles and with a little struggle, follows Clarke and Raven out of the room.

It is the smile on Clarke’s face that never disappears when she knows, when she just _knows_ that good things were coming their way. 


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Answers, it's what Clarke has been looking for. And now, she's finally getting them.

It was dark, and Clarke was beginning to question how urgent this matter really was.

Lexa was trudging behind them slowly, but surely and she was getting worried that maybe this was too much. Too soon.

“Raven.” Clarke whispered as she sped up to Raven’s pace. “What’s going on?”

Raven barely looks at Clarke before sighing. “I don’t know.” She replied honestly. “I think you’re going to have to tell me that.”

She opens the door to a secluded room and turns on the lights. Inside, Lincoln and Octavia hold a man in their hands – struggling to hold him down as they placed the handcuffs on him.

The man’s face is covered in dirt, grime and most of all blood. Something deep inside Clarke’s heart knows that the blood is not his own. The man shy’s away from Clarke’s presence and wilfully she walks closer to him, anticipating at every step.

A flicker of recognition is all it takes for Clarke to be set into a full rage.

“Emmerson.”

The words fall of Clarke’s tongue so quickly and so fiercely that she can feel her veins crackle at the name. “What is he doing here?” It is too much of a reminder, the constant reminder that she isn’t ready.

_This is too much. Too soon._

“We found him lurking around the camp.” Octavia grabs a rifle on the table next to her and hands it over to Clarke. “He was carrying this with him.”

The rifle feels heavy in Clarke’s hand. The weight of it feels wrong, it feels forbidden. She drops it on the floor and kicks it away from him.

“You remembered your way here, I see.” There is no smirk behind her comment, no mercy, absolutely no sense of compassion. “Wasn’t very smart of you to come here alone, now was it?”

She knows the intention behind her comment. She knows that he knows it too.

He remains silent. Eyes scampering away from Clark, instead focusing grimly behind her. His eyes flicker continuously and his brow begins to furrow.

Clarke looks back to see Lexa staring at Emmerson blankly. She hangs onto the doorknob and relies on its support as she pulls her weight up, determined to show Emmerson that she is not weak. Not ever.

“Confused?” Clarke walks around Emmerson slowly. “Why would that be?”

Slowly his eyes finally focus on Clarke’s.

She is taken aback at the lack of fear in them and feels wary.

She remembers all of a sudden, how much he must hate her. How much he must have wished for her death in a thousand different ways. Each cruel, each unimaginable. She knows the feeling, she has felt it too. There is an ounce of pity that flows through her and she feels guilty.

Clarke feels the same empty feeling that she felt three months ago, except now – it is in the presence of the last of his kind.

“She should be dead.” He squints at Lexa and looks back at Clarke.

Clarke walks closer towards him and breaths heavily. “What?”

“The Commander.” He chuckles roughly, “My target. She shouldn’t still be _breathing_.”

There is no one capable of dulling down the anger she felt there and then. Not even Lexa.

No one.

“Are you telling me what I believe you to be telling me?” Her words are laced with pure hate and there is no ounce of guilt or pity left in her body. It is gone. “If so.” She breaths in heavily and clenches her jaw, “You might not like the outcome.”

He shakes his head in disbelief and lets out a raspy laugh. “Does it look like I am scared, Clarke?” His face is a deadly shade of apathy and it sends a chill down Clarke’s spine. “Does it look like I have anything _left_ to lose?” The last few words are harsh and loud and only fuel Clarke’s anger more.

“You are very wrong if you believe that you shouldn’t be, Emmerson.” She grabs his tatty vest and pulls him up, “What were you thinking? Why _her_?”

His eyes do not shy away from Clarke’s and he continues to look up at her, bloody and all. “So you would know what it felt like.” The words are bullets being lodged into her skull, crying – wailing for release. “To lose everything. Right in front of you.”

Clarke swallows and releases her grip on him. “Would you not have done the same to my people?” She challenges him, “Were you not doing that already?”

“ _47_.” He shouts, “47 to spare the rest of us.”

“47 _kids_!” She shouts back, “Innocent, merciful kids! They are _still_ my people. We both know that you wouldn’t have stopped there.” She exhales, “I did what I had to do. For the good of my people.” Her words echo Lexa’s and she finally truly understands them.

He is left broken. Speechless.

“How did you find us?” She asks carefully, “How did you know?”

“You don’t deserve that information.” He spits, “Why would I tell you?”

Clarke snarls, “Because you have nothing left to lose.”

Emmerson shakes his head and allows his nostrils to flare. “I followed you, after the attack. I saw that you were taken to Polis and camped outside for months.” He smirks, “Calculating, allowing you and the commander to become closer and closer.” He laughs hysterically, “Until I could pull the trigger. Until she was _gone_.”

Octavia and Lincoln stare at Clarke worriedly and move closer to her.

Clarke, in a quick rage – pulls out her dagger and aims it at his eye socket.

But there is a familiar, yet strong forcing her back. Forcing her away.

She can struggle. She can struggle for the rest of her life but she knows that she is to give in soon.

“ _No_ , Clarke.” She hears a soothing voice whisper behind her, “You don’t want to do this. You can’t.”

Clarke turns around and glares at Lexa. “Why are you stopping me? He tried to kill you, Lexa!” She feels tears creep up onto her and fights them back, “He almost _managed_.”

“He can serve better uses, Clarke.” She eyes her carefully and takes the dagger from Clarke’s hand. “It is not wise to kill him.”

“And it is to let him live?” Clarke shakes her head and looks away from Lexa. “He doesn’t deserve the air that this world grants him, nor the food – nor the attention. He deserves to die, and only that.”

Lexa grabs Clarke’s chin and gently makes her look at her, “I never said that we were going to let him live.” She whispers, “Just trust me, Clarke. I have an idea.”

She can only hope that Clarke’s trust in Lexa is well placed, this time.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The weight of the world is on their shoulders, and sometimes the promise of peace is not enough.

“So you’re telling me that Emmerson could serve as a trade?” She’s being patient, and she knows that Lexa knows this too. What Lexa doesn’t know however, is that Clarke is ready – at any second, to wreak havoc on him if anything didn’t go as planned.

Mercy was not something she could feel in such a heated moment.

“Yes.” Lexa nods quickly, “If we offer his life as a declaration of alliance to the Ice Nation, we can avoid a war and avoid any more suffering.” She lets out a small breath of air and looks at Clarke tentatively, “For _both_ our people.”

Clarke sighs, “Didn’t you say they viewed us a threat?”

“They do.” Lexa steadies herself on the ground and purses her lips. “But they view the mountain men as a bigger threat. However, since he is the last of his kind if you were to offer his life as a declaration of peace, you’d be safe.”

“Temporarily.” Clarke adds.

“Temporarily.” Lexa repeats, and lets out a slight grimace. “Nia is not merciful, she does not take anyone’s life into consideration – only hers.” She hesitantly grabs for Clarke’s hand and squeezes it, “But you and I both know that another war is not something that anyone can handle, at least not right now. You need to take small steps Clarke, one at a time.”

“Fine.” She nods too tired to even think about fighting anymore, “But how does that protect your people?”

“This is the part that your people might not enjoy.” Lexa wipes her brow and sighs, “The Ice Nation are still under the impression that we are still both allied, therefore your declaration of peace keeps them at bay. For now, at least.” Lexa lowers her voice so that surely only Clarke can hear this, “Our people must be allied once again, maybe even join the coalition.”

Clarke bites her lip and inwardly groans. “This isn’t going to be easy.”

“When was it ever, Clarke?” She shoots Clarke a small smile and Clarke can’t help but smile back.

Clarke leans into Lexa gently and nestles into her neck. “I just want this to be over.”

“This is the burden we must live through Clarke.” She feels Lexa’s hand brush through her hair and sighs. “I don’t think it can ever be truly over for us.”

And somewhere deep in Clarke knows that Lexa is right, and knows that she always has been.

**

“Mum.” Clarke clings onto her mother’s arm desperately, “This is the only way we can save our people from another war.” She gestures to the people outside, to their people – the ones she lives for. The ones she has given her sanity up for, her friends – her _family_. She cannot watch them suffer anymore, she doesn’t think she has it in her. “Look at them. Do you honestly think we can survive the Ice Nation? Do you even know how deep, dark and miserable their queen is? Just trust me, once more. That’s all I’m asking.”

She knows that maybe she has asked too much, but she also knows that she will not live another day in fear. Her mind is empty, her heart is discontent and sometimes she doesn’t think that her recover is possible.

What is she really recovering from?

“Alright.” Abby finally agrees and looks over to Marcus, “We’re going to have to give everyone a big explanation, and we’re going to have to be completely honest.” Shakily, she takes in a deep breath. “Maybe, peace is finally in reach.”

Clarke wants to utter a word or two in agreement, but she has been through too much to know that their peace is not the peace that she desires too.

**

“It took a lot of convincing.” Clarke rubs her eyes, “Some people rebelled against the idea, calling us ‘brainwashed’- but that reaction was to be expected, I suppose.”

She feels the ghost of Lexa’s fingers shadow the back of her neck and let’s herself shudder. “It is okay to be scared, Clarke. It is not weakness.” Clarke wants to burrow into Lexa and break down into a flurry of tears, maybe that way she could let go of the hollow feeling that resurfaced in her stomach ever since she came back. “You are not the only one who must burden the loss of your people, and nor are you the one who must bear the weight of the world on their shadows. I have lived with this responsibility for years on end.” She lightly presses a thumb to Clarke’s cheek, “You are never alone in this.”

She knows this is utterly true, and it is ultimately what makes her cry anyway. “Why?”

“I don’t know.” Is all that can really be an answer for Clarke. “But I have lost the need to question why things are the way they are. If there was a reason for all the wrong that happened in this world, maybe it wouldn’t happen at all.”

“Maybe.” Clarke hastily wipes her tears away, determined that crying is no longer the answer. It never was. “Sometimes I feel this rage – like fire in my lungs, and yet there’s a bottomless pit at the bottom of my heart and it is like feeling nothing and everything all at once.” She faces Lexa and grabs her hands, “I don’t know how to accept the lives I have traded for my own, and I don’t know if I can accept the fact that I will have to do it again.”

Lexa squeezes Clarke’s hands as if she could hang on to them for the rest of her life. “When I became _head,_ the responsibility was far too much for me to take in at the moment. I was still young – merely a child.” She sighed, “I had no time for friends or thoughts – only the ones in secret. The plight of my people became my life, my goal – my duty.” Clarke sees something on Lexa that she had never really seen before, something that made the insides of her stomach churn into endless rounds of doubt. “My life was not really my life, Clarke. It never was. That is sometimes the hardest thing to accept, for me – for anyone who has the curse of deciding and living through what I must.”

“I lived to die, Clarke.”

“But you?” She lifts Clarke’s chin up with her finger and smiles, “You have hope in you, it’s instilled – buried in you. You have had to make decisions that you never asked for – a life that started when you came down to earth.” She laughs, “Your people – although strange – love you. You do not belong to them Clarke – you belong to _you_.”

“And you?” Clarke frowns, “What about you?”

“I live for my people.” But there is no sadness in her tone – no regret. “But they live for me.” A tear drops down her cheek and she doesn’t flinch as it does. “I live for the ones who care, who bleed in my name. I live for the souls who without question put their lives on the line for me. I live for you and for me – for us.” She closes her eyes momentarily, “I lived for Costia, for my mother and my father. For my sister who died in front of my eyes just at the age of 7. I live and prosper for all of them, for all those who are forgotten – for those who were unloved, cold and heartless.”

“I may live to die. But who I die _for,_ Clarke – is the reason I should do so in the first place.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time has come for us to meet Nia, unfortunately.

Nobody’s lost. Nobody’s won.

This is a draw.

The meaning of battle, suffering, sacrifice and peace have all blurred into one.

Because this is the only way that she can breathe again.

Live again.

This is the only way, the most crucial way – to be _her_ again.

**

“Today, Emmerson’s life will be given up as a trade for our peace.” Lexa addresses Clarke’s people as if they are her own and it jolts a form of pride in Clarke, even though it is still so foreign – and raw. “I know that some of you are still wounded and contemptuous from the last time we formed an alliance, and rightly so; however there is a bigger threat out there.” Her grip on her sword tightens, “The Ice Nation are not the problem, it is their queen that is. _Nia_ has no concern for human life, not her people’s and certainly not ours. It is only herself she cares about, anything and anyone beyond that is completely irrelevant.”

Sometimes Lexa would tell her short tales of her past encounters with Nia – and none of them were harmless. It seemed as if she always ripped something out of Lexa when she could, always manipulated her and always brought her to a grievous decision. Clarke hoped, till the ends of the earth that this would not happen today.

“This is why,” She continues, “You need to be ready.” She gives a small look to all the people she sees, arkers who volunteered to help – amongst them Octavia, Lincoln and Miller. “We know what they are capable of, we know what _she_ is capable of – you do not.”

“This should be the last time, hopefully for a while – where we have to face our enemies together.” Lexa lifts her sword up from the floor and surprisingly; the arkers do the same with their guns. A small grin appears instantly on her face, and Clarke will probably never forget the gleam in her eyes.

**

Her goodbyes to Abby where short – but sweet. She wanted to hold on to the faith that most of them would come out of this alive, and yet she knew that this would only be the ideal outcome – and they certainly do not live in an idealistic world.

Raven and Monty were taking care of any interference that could occur along the way, and would be in her earpiece if she ever needed them. She did not need a goodbye.

Recruits from Polis travelled after Lexa sent Indra to inform them about their plans. Nyko came along as an extra healer if anything had to happen to Clarke.

Bellamy fought and grovelled to come with them but Clarke put him in his place and told him that they all needed him to stay put. It took some convincing and a couple of angry words but he did understand eventually, or at least – she hoped he did.

Of course then, there was Lexa. Lexa who took the air out of her lungs and not because she was in awe of her, but because she was in awe of everything that she meant to her. In awe of how her absence would affect her in such tremendous ways. It scared her to love someone that much, but what scared her more was what she was capable of doing if someone took her away from her.

She was hoping that she wouldn’t get to find out today.

**

Three days into their journey and they had arrived.

Three small markers of a blue flag were spread out in front of them, giving Clarke an eerie sense of worry and foreboding. Everything she knew and heard about Nia could come true – or it could not. Was it wrong to let fear take over her for a couple of seconds? If so, she was completely in the wrong there and then.

Two warriors with fur coats and war paint came out of nowhere and held out their swords. “What is your business here?” Her voice is sharp and cold and only instils even more fear in Clarke – but she will not let it show.

Lexa gets off her horse and keeps her hand held tightly on the dagger deep inside of her pocket. “I’d recommend you would not speak in such a tone to your _heda_.” It is said with the same hostility that Lexa had shared with Clarke the first time they met each other. “I would like to speak to your _kwin_ , we have unattended business.”

The warrior grimaces and holds out her hand, “You and you only may enter. All your warriors must remain outside, any weapons on you must be given to me. If you are found with any hidden weapons, your people will be held accountable for it.” She hisses the sentence out of her mouth as if it is a plague to utter just those words and takes a step closer to Lexa.

Calmly, Lexa hands over all her weapons and Clarke almost wonders if she’d gone mad. “Another thing, however.” She gestures towards Clarke and keeps her eyes steadily on her. “ _She_ must enter with me.”

She steals a glance at the other warrior and looks back at Lexa. “Who is she?”

“Clarke kom skaikru.” Lexa replies hastily and watches as both warrior’s face turn pale in realisation. It is something that Clarke finds disturbingly odd, and not at all gratifying.

Lexa whispers something in Indra’s ear quickly and Indra nods gruffly. “A prisoner we captured recently is also coming in with us.” Clarke notices, instantly how Lexa says this as a statement rather than a question.

Emmerson is in painful handcuffs and is brought over towards Clarke and Lexa.

“For what reason?” She asks again.

“One that isn’t of your concern.”

Clarke is removed of all her weapons and along with Lexa and Emmerson – escorted inside.

People watch in awe as they walk towards Nia’s tent, and the only thing Clarke can really think about is how poor and under nourished they all seem. Somehow, she had always thought of the Ice Nation as a big scary group of people who would stop at nothing but get what they want – and yet all their civilians seemed utterly terrified.

No plants, or food flourished around them. The air was dense and bleak and it was absolutely nothing like Polis.

Clarke shared a tense look with Lexa as they entered the tent and saw that she indeed was fearful, but she gave her a short reassuring smile and somehow that made her feel instantly better.

As they entered the tent, five other warriors stood beside Nia who was tentatively sitting on some kind of ‘throne’ stared at them both with beady eyes. She didn’t seem to take any notice of Emmerson, who was now face down on the floor with Lexa’s foot on his back. The two warriors who escorted them in, were close behind them – breathing down their necks.

Nia was not young. Her eyes although a beautiful kind of blue were concaved in wrinkles, her mouth slightly parted and almost in some kind of mechanical smile. She was tall and gracious – even in her increasingly obvious weakness; and any type of fear was hidden from view.

She was nothing but intimidating.

“Lexa.” Nia’s voice is neutral and holds very little hostility in it. “I see you’ve brought _her_ with you.” Her beady eyes go over to Clarke almost immediately and it sends a shiver down her spine, but she stands up tall and purses her lips. “The one they call _Wanheda_.”

“Let us not discuss such petty matters, Nia.” Lexa narrows her eyes down to her, “We have more important affairs on hand – such as, your reason for your warriors abducting and _torturing_ me?”

She takes her eyes off Clarke hesitantly and stares back at Lexa. “It was necessary for our survival; you had information we needed.”

“You failed to obtain it.” Lexa breathes in heavily and clenches her jaw, “Was attacking my general necessary too? Did stabbing her in the back with one of your poisons obtain information?” She scoffs, “Nia, you are not one known to hide behind your words and yet you will not admit your treacheries when they are right in front of you. Not a trait of an honest leader, now is it?”

She ignores Lexa’s remarks and finally takes note of Emmerson, who now no longer struggled beneath Lexa’s foot. “Why have you brought me this obscene thing of a man? What is his presence here worth?”

“A lot more than you think.” She inches closer and steps on him harder, receiving a grunt from him. “He is the last of his kind. _Maunon_.”

Nia is no longer subtle with her hostility. Her beady eyes turn grave as she tenses up, “Impossible!” She spits the word out like venom, “They are unable to walk outside without their skin shrivelling up into dust like the weak fools they are.”

Lexa remains calm and tilts her head towards Clarke, and it is then that Clarke knows it is her time to speak. “They captured 47 of my people. Used them for their bone marrow – allowing many of them to filter the radiation out of their bodies.” She could see that Nia was understanding almost none of this, and instead reached out for Emmerson’s arm. “See this?” She points at a slight scar on his arm, “That is where the bone marrow was injected inside him, it allows him to walk amongst us.”

She can tell that her argument got them somewhere, she can see that the worry is there – deep inside her, resurfacing. “Even if I were to believe these slanderous comments; how is he still alive? How is he possibly living and breathing?”

“He escaped before I-” She pauses for a second and knows she can’t show hesitation. “ _Killed_ them all. He is truly the last one, and what you decide to do with him now is your choice.”

She furrows her brows, “What _I_ decide to do with him? Explain yourself.”

 “He is here for you.” She exhales, “As a temporary peace treaty between your people and mine.” She allows herself a small defiant smile as she says this, “The Tri Ku are also involved in this peace treaty, as we are in a current alliance – and any attack on your behalf towards them will be seen as a threat.”

Nia does not budge, does not flinch as she processes all this. “Fair enough.” And just as Clarke is going to breathe a sigh of relief and share a look of joy with Lexa – she speaks again. “On one condition.”

“That being?”

“You have to be the one to kill him.”

The words are a poison in her mind as she utters them out and she can only look at the floor in shock. “You said that he is mine to do with what I please, and this is what would greatly please me.”

Weeks ago, she would have agreed – without hesitation – to do it. To take his life away from him just as easily as he almost had done to Lexa; but now she can only be reminded of the mountain men and how they all perished in a matter of seconds at the hand of her ‘wrath’.

It is then when she realises exactly what Lexa meant about Nia. She knew your weak points before you even knew them yourself, she dug at them and poked them until you were weak – she was destructive, sadistic and utterly a maniac.

This was the only way.

“That is not a fair de-” Lexa begins to retort but is cut off immediately.

“Okay.” Clarke replies. “I’ll do it.”

Lexa looks at her in bewilderment and she can see the questions and voices screaming loud at her, she knows that she is confused – but she also knows that she will understand.

If this is the price that she will have to pay to keep her people safe, then so be it.

Nia has taken the defiant smile right off Clarke’s face and strapped it on to herself. “Give her back her weapon.” She tilts her head at Clarke, “You may choose which one you would like to use.” She says this as if it some favour but all it reaks is sickness and deceit.

Clarke chooses her dagger and walks towards Emmerson as Lexa walks backwards. He stares at her with a dead look in his eyes and it alarms her that he could await his death in such indifference – in such apathy.

She pulls him up to stand up and holds the dagger to his neck as she stares at Nia. She tries to forget all the blood her hands are already doused in as she swiftly drags the dagger across his neck. He drops to his knees as blood splutters onto the floor and looks away from him as she hands her dagger back to the warrior in front of her, who stares back at her with wide – but calm – eyes.

“Our deal is done.” Clarke stares at Nia for the last time. “You’d be wise to follow your end of the bargain.”

Nia nods at the warriors and her and Lexa are starting to be escorted out of the tent.

“She is stronger this one, _Leksa_.” Nia’s voice is heard again, this time laced in satisfaction. “Less light and innocent than the other one. Scarred and wounded in all the right ways. Perhaps, she truly is the commander of death.” There is a pause as she utters the last sentence, “But don’t think I won’t do what I did to your love struck warrior to her too.”


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything falls into place, slowly but surely and the world is not as lonely as it was thought to be, certainly not for Lexa and definitely not for Clarke.

“Come on, Lexa.” Clarke sidles up to Lexa’s neck and closes her eyes momentarily. “You don’t need to worry about me; I did what I had to do, and I got what I wanted.” Her eyes flutter all over Lexa, never forgetting to take her all in – ever. “What we _both_ wanted.”

No words are uttered for the next couple of seconds. There is a deafening silence that follows after, almost sending Clarke into a state of worry herself. “It is only temporary, Clarke. This ruse of peace? It is only wishful thinking to believe she will keep her promises. Nia is-”

Having heard enough, Clarke puts a finger to Lexa’s lips and stops her. “She could have done worse. I know what we got is temporary but it’s better than nothing.” Her hands are wandering around Lexa’s face, studying her – loving her. “This is a victory, Lexa. A minor one, I know – but a victory none the less.”

Lexa’s furrowed eyebrows are once again restful. A small, crooked smile is all that Clarke needs to wrap herself around Lexa.

“This night is ours.” Is all that she whispers in Lexa’s ears before enveloping them into a world where only the two of them could exist.

**

“Things aren’t solved yet.” Abby addresses her people carefully, with Kane sitting idly beside her nodding at every last word she utters. “But they are solved _for now_. We have something that others do not, and that is the grace of time. We have the time to help each other, to recover from our previous grievances and to forgive others for their own inflicted wounds.” Abby looks at Clarke for a second, seemingly thanking her for a second before getting back to the crowd of Arkers who had crowded around them – eagerly waiting for news on what happened the day before. “I must urge you all to make peace with those you have held grudges against.” Her eyes quickly flitter on to Lexa and it strikes a strong pang in Clarke’s heart. “I have done the same.”

Lexa’s eyebrows raise momentarily before nodding at Abby in praise.

Clarke can’t help but smile at all that is unfolding in front of her, two of the most important people in her life are somehow making peace.

Whoever would have thought it to be possible?

“Could I say something short?” Clarke asks her mother quietly and takes a deep breath as her mother nods in confirmation.

She takes Abby’s place and looks at everyone around her, quickly targeting Jasper who stared at her eagerly. “I’m sure most of you would like to know what happened, the details, maybe some of you even wish for more justice.” She clears her throat and continues, “Whatever it may be that you’re looking for – it’s never more important than the people you are surrounded by.”

“We’ve been through a lot, all of us.” She looks at Jasper straight in the eye as she says this, “Some of the people that we love the most aren’t here with us today, and some of us hate the world for it – but  never forget those who last, those who are still alive.” This time however, she looks at Lexa. “You need to accept the world for the way it is and be thankful that there is still life in it. Be thankful for everything and everyone because you never know when that can be taken away from you.”

“Now.” Clarke looks back at the crowd who seemed to have settled down at her slight speech. “Enough of the sentimental crap – it’s time to celebrate.”

Woops of joy are heard all around, and it’s enough to say that these could be the happiest days of her life.

**

Some of the grounder warriors were drunk off their faces, and it would be safe to say that the majority of the arkers were too.

Lexa, who was in an intense conversation with one of her generals, had strayed far away from the ruse of alcohol, distanced herself from the celebratory elements of the day and stuck to remaining mostly by herself. Clarke made a mental note to go speak to her later, but first she needed to talk to someone else.

She looks for him everywhere, searches for one ounce of his name and yet nothing comes up. Before she can move on with anything else, before she can even bother ‘relaxing’ – she needed to talk to Bellamy. Desperately.

“Looking for someone?”

She knows who it is before she even turns her head.

“Looks like I found them.” She faces Bellamy and smiles awkwardly at him, trying to hide the fact that every bone in her body was shaking from anticipation - ultimately always knowing that they would have this conversation one way or another.

Their conversations were not in any way cut short and he never showed any sign of resentment, but Clarke was used to analysing everything and splitting it up into tiny single forms that could only shape itself in another form, one way or another. She knew, that he was mad. Clarke knew, that Bellamy was left in the dark with no one to talk to when she left and she knew, that no one could bear the weight of a leader and that meant he had to do what he thought he could do all over again.

Anyone would be angry, anyone would be devastatingly and intensely livid at someone who would leave them to deal with everything on their own – but anyone and everyone would never put their feet in someone elses shoes, why would they? Why should they?

But Clarke would. Clarke really would.

“I want to talk to you.” She says simply as she settles her hands in front of her.

“About what?” He avoids her eyes and looks around him, does anything to escape Clarke’s very obvious stare.

“You know what.” She sighs, “I’m not going to beat around the bush, I just wanted to say sorry.” Bellamy finally looks up at her and she can see the questions that are forming at the back of his mind. “I’m sorry for leaving you to deal with everything when you were probably just as scared as me and I’m sorry for things I can’t even explain – for acting like I was the only one who had to bear it all but if you had to ask me if I regretted any of it, I’d have to reply with a firm no.”

For a moment, he just stares at her with a confused – bewildered – face and eyes the size of marbles. And yet, seconds later he still walks up to her and gives her the strongest hug in her life – squeezing the air right out of her lungs and she _loves it_.

“I was angry before.” He sighs, “But now? I’m just goddamn happy you’re okay.”

It’s enough to make her smile a smile she hadn’t smiled in days.

And it’s nearly enough to make her feel okay again.

**

Drunken laughs could be heard all around, it was a beautiful sight really – Arkers and Grounders alike.

Octavia and Lincoln were loaded up in some kind of drinking contest (which Octavia was unsurprisingly winning) whilst the two of them held on for their dear lives to the spirit of the night that could so desperately fall away.

Raven and Bellamy on the other hand, sat together and watched everyone around them. She took one look at Clarke and sent her a cheeky wink; which Clarke instantly laughed at.

Her mother and Kane, were so easily enthralled with each other that Clarke didn’t understand how she didn’t see it before – but maybe, these things were not meant to be seen until they could really be accounted for.

Indra had shared with her a couple of (actual, genuine) smiles and it was probably one of the biggest accomplishments in her whole week, (why wouldn’t it be? It’s _Indra_.) Whereas Nyko caught up with the other generals, always stealing a glance at Clarke when he could.

Even Jasper, (who was now actually attempting a conversation with Monty) was indeed sporting the hint of a smile on his face, was showing a little bit of his old self again.

It seemed as if everything was falling into place, her people were happy – Lexa’s people were happy, and most of all; there was a settling peace in her that she hadn’t felt for a long, long time. She could compare her life to a mere two months ago and marvel at how much she had changed – how much she had grown; both emotionally and intellectually.

So there and then, Clarke decided it was not a bad thing to be proud of herself. Even with the blood of so many on her hands, even with the blood of the innocents and the guilty – she was proud of herself.

She hoped that she would never stop feeling this way, and whether that hope would be fulfilled she did not know. However, she is strong. She can feel it.

She _knows_ it.

And yet, someone was still missing.

**

She found her there, sitting on the outside of the fence gates looking out at the woods in a somewhat wonderful gaze. It was almost cruel to break something so personal and so seemingly intense up – but, Clarke was in desperate need of talking to her.

Slowly, she walked behind her and heard Lexa heave a deep sigh.

“So that’s it.”

“What?”

“That’s all we can do for now.” Lexa re affirms.

“Oh.” Clarke is momentarily surprised that her mind is still thinking and indulging in that very same thought. “Yes.”

Lexa says nothing after that, just keeps on looking onwards – perhaps a never ending battle running along in her head. So, Clarke sits next to her and takes her hand, rubs circles around her thumb until she feels like talking would not break her.

Minutes pass by and as much as the silence is comfortable, Clarke wishes to break it.

“Ai hod yu in.” The worlds slip so easily out of her own mouth that it startles herself just as much as it startles Lexa.

Her head turns sharply towards Clarke and she can feel the worry resonate onto her own skin. “Why are you saying that?”

“Because it’s true.” She replies simply, never letting her eyes escape Lexa’s. “Because it shouldn’t matter how dangerous and utterly horrendous it may be to live through – I love you. I might not ever be able to stop, and if I don’t say it now then when?” She squeezes Lexa’s hand and moves closer to her, “We don’t always have to be at war, Lexa. Not with our selves, not with each other.”

Lexa’s eyes flutter before she engulfs Clarke in an uncharacteristically forceful hug, making Clarke feel more at home than she thought she ever could feel. “Sometimes, you say the most beautiful things Clarke.”

“Does it make you throw up a little in your mouth when I do?” Clarke smirks as Lexa clings on to her.

“Why would it make me do such a thing?” Lexa stares at Clarke strangely and Clarke just shakes her head in amusement.

“No reason.”

“Clarke.” Lexa sighs as she folds a tuft of Clarke’s hair behind her ear, “I don’t know how to tell you everything I want to tell you.” She closes her eyes momentarily, “What could happen in the next few months is entirely unpredictable, I don’t know if you’ll be staying her or coming back to polis with me – or finding a balance between both – but whatever you do, I vow to be right beside you. _Always_.”

“Your duty is to your people, Lexa.” Clarke exhales heavily, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

She shakes her head vigorously and traces her finger along the lining of Clarke’s cheek. “You _are_ my people, Clarke.”

They kiss, and it is as heated as the first time and just as passionate as the second. They kiss and it is not just an act of love but an act of a promise. This time, she knows that none of them will break it – none of them can ever break something so strong.

“You know.” Clarke laughs and bites her lip, “There are three words you can say instead of that whole cheesy declaration of love.”

She feels a swat on her head and laughs harder, “Don’t belittle my speech, Clarke.”

“Okay, Lexa.” Clarke teases her back and if there were happier times than this very moment, her life would be a lie.

After moments of comfortable silence, Clarke looks up at Lexa and breathes in relief at the grace of having her so close next to her – breathing and _alive_. “You and me, Lexa. I think it was inevitable.”

Lexa looks back at her and there’s the same old crooked smile on her face that makes Clarke’s insides melt to the dust.

“I think so too.”


End file.
